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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry at my step-father's irresponsibility - please help!

28 replies

GreenGeekGirl · 27/07/2010 10:59

I am absolutely fuming! I seriously need some guidance on this as I am too angry to be possibly thinking clearly.

My step-father contracted bacterial meningitis in January. The illness was very severe, he only just made it through and has been left with some debilitating lasting effects. Amongst these is the loss of periferal vision and a lack of attention span. As a result his doctor has said he is not fit to drive. He has taken no notice of this and continues to drive, which makes me angry enough as it is. I hate the fact that he is selfishly putting the lives of others at risk like that but don't know what I can do to stop him. He won't listen to reason.

What has made me totally blow my top though is I just found out that he is planning to drive his teenage grandchildren to the airport this evening. It's just too much and I'm considering taking drastic action. The childrens' father knows and doesn't care (like father like son he just doesn't want to have to drive them himself!) but I have no idea if the kids know that he isn't allowed to drive.

I barely know his grandchildren but could contact them through facebook. I think they have a right to know that the person driving them is not legally safe to do so. I'm ashamed to admit that I am scared of the repurcussions. I don't want to create more issues than there already are in my family (and trust me there are plenty). Although my mum hates what he's doing she refuses to do anything and probably wouldn't appreciate my interferring.

Should I tell the grandchildren? Is there anything else I can do to stop him putting them and others at risk? I have considered calling the police or his company (who own the car and don't know he's not permitted to drive). I'm have no idea whether any action is responsible or just interferring. Please help!

OP posts:

steamedtreaclesponge · 27/07/2010 11:02

You should definitely tell someone - imagine how dreadful you'd feel if something happened.

Not sure who would be best to tell though...

MoonUnitAlpha · 27/07/2010 11:02

Maybe call the DVLA?

moondog · 27/07/2010 11:03

If the GP said he is not fit, he probably isn't insured either.
I'd contact the family of the kids.

Original poster

GreenGeekGirl · 27/07/2010 11:08

He's definitely not insured and he will lose his job if they find out he's driving right now, hence my reluctance to tell his company. Also if they take away his company car he will just drive my mum's - she says she can't stop him.

I only have contact details for the kids father but I already know he doesn't give a monkeys!

OP posts:

Hassled · 27/07/2010 11:08

It's not just about him, or even the grandchildren, it's about all the people who could potentially be injured by his lack of peripheral vision and attention. Has he actually been asked to hand his licence in? I'm pretty sure that when FIL developed tunnel vision he had to actually physically return his licence to the DVLA - so does he have a valid licence at this stage? If not, you could call the police.

Original poster

GreenGeekGirl · 27/07/2010 11:08

Aaaargh! What's wrong with these people!

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 27/07/2010 11:08

He is a danger not only to his GC, but to all other road users. I would call the police. Imagine how you would feel if he kills some innocent family because of his sefishness. Rotten for you to be put in this position though. Think your mum should step up and put a stop to her husbands reckless behaviour

moondog · 27/07/2010 11:09

What a prick.

jeee · 27/07/2010 11:09

Could you speak to his GP - obviously accepting that his GP will have to maintian patient confidentiality?

It is unacceptable that he continues to drive - but when a person has acquired a disability it can be very difficult to accept it. This doesn't mean that he's a bad or selfish person. But he is doing a bad thing. You do need to something about it - - if all else fails I think you have to speak to the police.

BuzzingNoise · 27/07/2010 11:10

He could potentially wreck man lives. I would get onto the police, if I were you.

BuzzingNoise · 27/07/2010 11:10

many lives, I mean, not man.

Eglu · 27/07/2010 11:11

Poor you for being put in this awful situation.

I think you need to call the police. What he i doing is just wrong

TheLifeOfRiley · 27/07/2010 11:13

I think I would contact the police for advice and see i you can leave it in their hands and keep you out of it. I wouldn' be able to do nothing it would weigh on my mind too much.

YANBU to be angry! I do agree with jeee that it is probably very hard for him to accept and that he may not be a bad person but he is doing a bad thing.

Original poster

GreenGeekGirl · 27/07/2010 11:13

Oh I totally know Hassled! They haven't made him hand in his licence because his condition might improve but that could take up to two years. It's outrageous but even if he handed in his licence he would just see that as a piece of paper anyway. Wouldn't make the slightest bit of difference to him. He would just continue driving anyway. Even if he got caught he would still probably continue doing it.

My dilemma is that in this specific instance these kids might be putting themselves at serious risk, when they have no idea and I could let them know so they can at least make an informed decision. There is of course the wider problem but I can't see any actions I might take actually stopping him from doing it.

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 27/07/2010 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MoonUnitAlpha · 27/07/2010 12:10

Even if you do manage to contact the kids, they're unlikely to be able to do much with the information - they'd have to go against their dad and their grandad and possibly not get a lift to the airport. Not much of an informed decision to make

I think it's up to you as the adult to put a stop to this really - call your mum and stepdad and tell them that if he does drive then you feel you'll have no choice but to inform the police and his company.

anonymousbird · 27/07/2010 12:20

My elderly neighbours drive when one has lost his licence (following stroke) and the other technically has a licence, but knows she is now unfit to drive.

I have told someone close to them (friends not family) on several occasions that I have real concerns about this. I have had to swerve out of the way on a few occasions to get out of the way of them driving down our narrow lane. I was hoping that friend would intervene to ensure that neither of them drives again. Apparently they did say to that friend that they would sell the car and get taxis or lifts for the things they need to go out for, but still they are driving.

I would feel awful telling the "authorities" as they are well into their 80s, but it is just downright dangerous for them and more importantly other road users....

Police involvement seems drastic for an otherwise law abiding and gentle old couple, but the consequences of not doing anything could be utterly awful.

Sorry to hijack, but whilst we are on the subject, any guidance much appreciated!

MoonUnitAlpha · 27/07/2010 12:28

Bet you'd feel worse if they killed a child than you would about telling the police though.

anonymousbird · 27/07/2010 12:48

MUA you are absolutely right.
The method of going via the mutual friend does not seem to be bearing fruit as I hoped it might, so I think I may be left with no alternative. Next time I see them get the car out, I think I will need to take steps.

I just feel so shocked that I might actually have to do this to them, but could prevent something really bad.

Onetoomanycornettos · 27/07/2010 12:52

You do have to send off your paper license if you are unable to drive for medical reasons, and there are forms that you and your doctor/consultant have to fill in. I would go back to the doctor/consultant and tell them, as they have a duty to report patients who can't drive (although they often leave it up to the driver).

That doesn't solve today's problem, perhaps you could approach it in a 'I'm really surprised to hear X is taking the children when he's not able to drive' rather than what might be perceived as an interfering way. But you can contact the DVLA/doctor/police about it- after all, his insurance is completely invalid if he's driving against his doctors advice.

Original poster

GreenGeekGirl · 27/07/2010 13:00

The situation has become a bit more complicated. I've just spoken to my step-sister, his daughter, who says that he told her he is definitely allowed to drive. He did go to his last doctor's appointment on his own, so it is entirely possible his doctor has now told him it's ok - unlikely but certainly possible. I just confronted my mum again and she says all she know is that the last time she was present the doctor categorically said he wasn't allowed (and he continued to drive then). She still won't get in a car with him though.

So now I don't even know if he definitely isn't allowed to drive, the doctor won't be able to tell me and if I take action and I'm wrong, I not only risk causing a huge amount of stress in my family but also wasting police time.

OP posts:

tabouleh · 27/07/2010 13:35

OP - is this info of use?.

I don't think that you can "trust" the new info.

Call the GP and say that you are worried that step-father has misunderstood his appointment and has in fact been driving for weeks. It will be up to them to decide what to do.

I would also contact the grandchildren.

Yes to issuing the ultimatum about the police.

Don't feel guilty about his job/the police - if he gets in trouble it is not your fault, it is his fault.

Better for him to be in trouble than to cause an accident.

tabouleh · 27/07/2010 13:39

anonymousbird - you need to sort your neighbours now!

Do you know who their GP is? Tell their GP.

Get round there and tell them that you are contacting the police unless they promise not to drive again (or at least the one with the licence has an all clear from GP).

This isssue is going to come up more and more with an ageing population - it is our duty as responsible citizens to report these matters.

FakePlasticTrees · 27/07/2010 13:53

To avoid the immediate problem - how far is it to the airport? Can you afford the price of a taxi and could you contact the kids, explain the danger of the situation and offer to pay for a taxi. Or offer to drive them yourself.

Then you need to contact your step father, and tell him you'll be contacting the police next time you know he's driving.

If he looses his job becuase he got caught driving without a licence, then that's his fault, and he's been warned you'll do it. (And make sure you do, it will break your heart if he kills someone and you know you could have saved them)

Oh, and good luck with all this, I know how hard it was for my Mum to get my Nana to see she couldn't drive anymore.

FakePlasticTrees · 27/07/2010 13:55

oh, just seen your update - I'd still go with paying for the kids to go by taxi if you can afford it, or offering to drive yourself.

And then contact the GP, if he's lying about the GP giving the all clear, they can then report him, if he's not, then you'll have a slightly embarrassing conversation with the GP and that's about it.

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