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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to come clean after two yrs even if it drops a friend in it?

48 replies

Ladyanonymous · 26/07/2010 18:44

Complicated situation bear with me will try to be as brief as I can.

Live in area with v competitve middle school situation with a "good" school and a "bad" school (90% ex travelling community).

DS1 luckily got into the "good" school even though we weren't "in catchment". BFs DS also not in catchment got in as she used someone elses "in catchment" address. I wholly dissaproved and told her so.

The next yr DD did not get into the "good" school on the sibling agreement due to it being over subscribed and I lost at appeal. Had to send her to a school in a different area leaving me, a working single mum, with 3 under 10s at 3 different schools.

I know a lot of kids who did get in used others addresses so I wrote to the local paper (anonymously for many reasons) venting my frustration at the whole situation. Letter was published and I showed BF letter who was annoyed with me for writing it highlighting the issue - local MP also got in touch with me through paper re my letter.

BFs DS2 went up following year - I told her I didn't want know where he was going or how she was going about it.

I heard he got into "good" school. Two months later out of the blue I had msge via Facebook from BF saying she had "read my letter to admissions and what an evil, sad, twisted lonely bitter bitch I was to have 'grassed her up'" . Apparently someone had written an anonymous letter imforming admissions that she had been dishonest - and she was called in and interviewed and her DS2's place had been withdrawn. That was two years ago and we haven't spoken since. Mums at school were quite unpleasent to me after being informed what I had supposedly done.

Her DS then bullied my DS1 saying all manner of things to him about me to the point where I had to ask him be moved class.

Thing is I found out pretty soon after this happened two years ago that it was another friend who has moved out of the area who wrote the letter - but I never told now ex BF.

Boys are now going up to the next school and have been put in the same class. I have also found while clearing out a whole load of expensive studio prints of her boys which I had here for some reason.

AIBU to send the pictures back with a blunt note explaining the truth to spare my DS further hassle at the new school in Sep - in the hope she will at least know it was nothing to do with me and leave me and my family alone but then dropping my other friend in it (who knows ex BF has accused me).

OP posts:

SirBoobAlot · 26/07/2010 20:00

I can see where you're coming from, but I think the likelihood of her believing you is slim, and that you could unintentionally make things worse for your DS.

somethinganything · 26/07/2010 20:02

Def tell her. If it achieves nothing else it might give her a bit of food for thought - she might think twice before treating anyone like that in future. And it might well help where your DS is concerned too. I think there's a good chance she will believe you too - if she's got an ounce of decency she'll know deep down that she treated you really badly.

As for the other friend, wouldn't worry about dropping her in it. I think she should have set the record straight as soon as she knew what had happened. And with that in mind I think she'll hopefully understand that you have your DS' best interests at heart. Maybe warn her in advance? Though I guess she might not care if she's moved away.

Good luck - let us know how you get on?

Original poster

Ladyanonymous · 26/07/2010 20:20

I think if I did decide to do it and named someone she would know I was telling the truth as she knows I would never point the finger at someone who had done nothing.

I never point the finger .

I can see PPs point though that I may break my dignified silence and achieve nothing - when all I want is for my son to enjoy his education in peace and for me not have to turn up to every parents eve etc anxious that we may bump into each other and the awkwardness that all creates.

OP posts:

mumbar · 26/07/2010 20:39

I would do it and write something along the lines of:

Dear .....

I know this is all water under the bridge with us but I'm sad for our ds' that they can't be friends, I would just like to let you know it was me anononously writing to the paper regarding school places however it was x who wrote the specific letter stating you as a culprit. I do not expect a friendship with you however I do have some lovely photos of the boys I think you'd like so contact me to arrange collection of them if you wish.

Yours ladyanon.

That way the ball is in her court and she has a reason to contact you if she wishes and the photos are a talking point if nothing else.

meltedchocolate · 26/07/2010 20:46

Surely your son will get less hastle going to a new school because both boys will be more interested in the new school. If you bring it up in any way now it could stir it all back up for him. I wouldn't even send the pics. Let it lie!

Original poster

Ladyanonymous · 26/07/2010 20:49

Thanks Mumbar.

May use part of your letter but kust include the photos as I want no contact with her. I just want my son to have a slightly smoother ride through High School.

Her son is on the footy team, has everything material that a child could need (they are on benefits and entitled to free school meals although her ex put her DS2 in a private school ) and is very popular.

My son gets the piss taken because he is very small and although holds his own as he is very funny.

Just know he doesn't need this kid raking this all up in the jungle that will we High School.

OP posts:

MerryMarigold · 26/07/2010 20:49

I would tell her in the way you intended, posting the prints back...and also say you think it's sad the kids can't get along since they are in the same class. I can understand why she jumped to the conclusion it was you after the letter to the paper...you never know, she may believe you and it may make things better. I would risk it. I don't understand really how it can make things worse.

nagoo · 26/07/2010 21:09

Oh I don't think that the Op would make things worse, just I wouldn't bother doing anything nice (ie returning pictures) for the horrible exBF!

Ladyanonymous, I think that your son will be ok. You are worrying because he's starting High School, and this boy is 'cool and popular' and your son is not in that club. Sending the letter and photos won't change the way your son is percieved at school. It sounds like he is doing well to stand up for himself and using humour.

He'll be ok, and I'm sure that the thing 2 years ago is not in the mind of the boys when they are at school. I know it's easier to blame yourself, to try to find a reason why your son is being picked on, but I really don't think that it will all come down to a falling out between their mums.

I'm trying to say this in a positive way, I hope that it is coming across how I intend it to

Biscuitbreaker · 26/07/2010 21:53

I can't believe your other 'friend' has let you take the blame for this for two years!

Original poster

Ladyanonymous · 26/07/2010 22:02

nagoo Its cool I can see what you are trying to say - thankyou

biscuit I know and I don't know how I feel about that but - I don't know I don't have the answers.

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 26/07/2010 22:15

Since your other friend doesn't even live in the area any more, can't you get her to write to this other woman, telling her the truth?

Original poster

Ladyanonymous · 27/07/2010 00:05

I still don't know what I am going to do.

OP posts:

Limara · 27/07/2010 00:15

I Do you feel in any way responsible for your friend writing the letter?

Limara · 27/07/2010 00:16

Ignore the 'I' !

DetectivePotato · 27/07/2010 09:29

You should tell her. And tell her to make sure her DC leaves yours alone when they are in the same class.

What a great 'friend' she was.

Original poster

Ladyanonymous · 27/07/2010 10:27

No - I don't feel responsible - but maybe I feel implicated as I made my feelings known.

I cannot control any of my friends actions though.

Being accused of something you haven't done publicly is not very nice though, but the more you protest your innocence I think the more guilty you look.

If she hadn't lied in the first place there would have been no reason for anyone to do anything.

OP posts:

swanandduck · 27/07/2010 11:58

I don't see why you should take the rap for this other friend, who presumably knew you were being blamed for her anonymous letter. How did you find out it was her? If you explain this to your BF, surely she'll believe you?

onadietcokebreak · 27/07/2010 12:11

I would be even more direct.

Dear x

please find enclosed photos of your DS. As I am not a evil and vindictive person I have returned these to you as soon as I discovered them.

I would like to clarify that it was not me that wrote an anonoymous letter to the admissions board. Whether you choose to believe this is up to you. However your sons bullying of my son over this matter was not acceptable and that is why he moved class.

It has come to my attention that they have been placed in the same class in September. I hope this will be a fresh start for both of them. If however there is a repeat of the past I will be taking immediate action to ensure it is resolved.

Yours...

miso · 27/07/2010 13:33

I suspect the other friend is the only one she would believe.

I wouldn't do anything at all, and feel no obligation to return the photos, if she wants them she can ask.

Chil1234 · 27/07/2010 13:53

I agree with miso.... do nothing and don't return the photos. Too much water under the bridge and, if people are still bearing grudges, that's really their problem. All that telling her the truth will do is make you feel temporarily better.

Let sleeping dogs lie...

Biscuitbreaker · 27/07/2010 15:26

Would the other friend admit to writing the letter if she was asked? Because if she just swears blindly that it wasn't her, everything would get stirred up again...

Original poster

Ladyanonymous · 27/07/2010 16:36

Other friend told me it as her.

OP posts:

MerryMarigold · 27/07/2010 16:49

Ladya, I think it's a shame to go through life feeling that sort of apprehension round parents' evening etc. It's not like it's really 'water under the bridge'. The issue is still there for you, esp with the kids in the same class. I do think you should try and make the situation better, although accept that it may not work. I still don't think it can make it worse though.

a. I would ask friend that wrote letter to own up. Explain how it affects you, and your son, and just ask. She may do it. How great would that be?

b. I would still send the photos, whether you choose to mention the whole incident or not. I guess you don't want them cluttering up your house anyway. And be gracious, not bitchy...'heap coals of fire' and all that. Just because she's behaved atrociously doesn't mean you have to lower your high standards of integrity. You sound like a genuinely nice person! At least your conscience will be clear with the pics - and that's a nice place to be.

I think nagoo's comments about the boys are spot on - I doubt the old stuff between their Mums is really going to make a day to day difference in their school lives. Sounds like they'll move in different circles anyway...

Good luck!

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