Firstly, I'm only posting in AIBU because it's busy and i'll get a quick response..
A couple of nights ago, some friends of ours came over for a drink. We haven't seen them for a while, and don't know them that well. (they're more friends of friends, but we've become a bit of a group in the last 6 months or so)
He is Pakistani, and she is white british. I tell you this, because i have no idea if this fact has any relevance to people in regards to what is acceptable and what is not.
Anyway, when we all get together, we have a drink and a good laugh, but we have noticed that he can be quite controlling. ie: telling her she shouldnt have anymore to drink, ordering her food for her. Nothing too serious, just little things that i wouldn't put up with from DP, but each to their own.
Well, the other night, they both got really drunk and ended up having an argument. Just a silly row about something he said she said etc. Anyway, during this argument, she shouted 'what are you going to do, hit me again??' in front of all of us. He then went mad, saying he had never touched her, how dare she etc.
She then started shouting about how his family had treated her and her first ds badly because 'they are white', turning their photos towards the wall when people visit, aksing her to 'share' him with an asian wife, telling her she can't wear make up or certain clothes. She then told us all that her DPs brother had punched her in the mouth during a family argument that she became involved in! He admitted all of the things said about how his family had treated her were true, but that he didn't agree with this, and he had been trying to get them to move out, but it was hard because in their culture, generations of families live together and they all own part of the house. At this point they were both really angry and shouting at each other, but she kept shrinking back from being angry and apologising to him, asking him to just forget it, before something else he said made her angry again. I took her into another room hoping they would both calm down.
Whe we were alone together, she said she is made to feel unwelcome in the home, although it 'hasn't been as bad since she had his ds' (her second) and that she spends most of her day on her own in her room, or with ds1. She said she is scared of them all, and that her DP has hit her in the past (although she was desperate to tell me it's not often! ) She also said that he pressures her to have sex with him when she doesn't want to. She ended by telling me that she drinks every night and takes sleeping pills because she's so unhappy.
I should also say that he was in the other room with my DP, and was very angry, swearing at my DP etc, but was still saying he had never ever touched her, or contributed to the way his family had treated her.
Anyway, once things had calmed down a bit he went home with a friend, and she stayed with us, and left in the early hours of the morning to go home.
She has since called me to say she's really sorry, she was just drunk and its all her fault. he has never ever hit her, and she made it up to make him look bad because they were arguing. Also that he has forgiven her and is the best partner in the world (her words) and that she doesn't want me to think badly of him.
He has also txt to say he's really sorry about it all. We have replied to them both to say that it's forgotten, everything is ok etc.
As i don't know either of them long term, it's impossible for me to honestly say what I believe. my natural instincts tell me that she was telling the truth. She is a very meek and mild, nervous person, and doesn't strike me as the sort that would lie to be cruel. However, I do know that she has had a lot of problems in the past (history of abuse in previous relationships) so, whilst i think this could be a case of her finding herself in another abusive relationship, could it also be her using her past experiences against him when she's really pissed off with him?
My question for you all is this? What would you do? Would you tell anyone the things she told me? Would you try to push her into talking to you again? Or would you just forget it, as it's none of your business?
I'm sorry this is long, but I have no experience whatsoever of domestic abuse, and if i am the only one she has ever told about this, I really don't want to let her down by dealing with it badly. I know a lot of people on MN have experience with this, and could really do with some advice on how to help her (or not?)
FWIW, i did strongly recommend her getting professional help for the things she has been through in life, but I don't think she will