To be upset by MIL's attitude toward my mum

[asteri]

Bit long sorry................
Ok so a bit of history, DH and I live about 140 miles away from my family as we were in a long distance relationship and due to circs at the time it was easier for me to move up north than for him to move down south. My dad passed away a few years ago and since then my mum gets a bit lonely from time to time, I have brothers and SIL's that still live near my mum and we are quite a large close family so she's never really alone. We visit as often as we can and she also comes to see us for the weekend. Now my mum and MIL used to take turns to call each other every weekend however, sometimes when my mum calls his mum she can be on the phone for quite a while (she usually is to everyone, like I said I think she gets a bit lonely, I quite enjoy long chats with my mum as I do miss her and she can be really funny and is really sweet). MIL will oblige her on the phone talking to her, but then when we go and visit she will sit and make fun of how long my mum keeps her on the phone and how she's not really interested (so why doesnt she just find a way to cut it short rather than keep going and then make fun of her???)Now I am pregnant and my mum has been to visit quite a lot as I have been very sick (was diagnosed with HG)she is up again this weekend. We dropped a card and present off at MIL's last night and she said "heard your mum was coming up this weekend dont know what she keeps coming for, you're only pregnant" I have been trapped like a prisoner in my home for weeks as have been too sick to get out, been feeling very depressed, am very happy that my mum has made the journey to come visit me as she (who lives ten mins away and goes past my house every day), has never even popped her head round the door to see if I'm ok! AIBU to think that its a bit mean for MIl to keep letting my mum believe they have some kind of friendship (when she comes to visit she always makes time to go and see MIL) when, realistically MIL just is nice to her face and then bitches about her/makes fun of her behind her back. There have been many other incidences like this, I feel I should say something but don't want to upset my mum. Or am I just being hormonal........

Have you made it clear to your MIL that you're struggling to get out and about? What's your DH's take on it? As it's his mother, I would ask what he thinks, is she like this with other people etc.

I wouldn't tell my mother that my MIL was bitching about her, but get DH to say something to his mum about being rude about your mum. (hope that makes sense)

Next time your MIL makes a comment about the long phonecalls, just reply with "She's just a bit lonely and enjoys a chat, I don't think it's very kind to make fun of her." Regarding the visits, tell MIL that your Mum doesn't need and excuse to come and visit, she's your Mum and is welcome anytime and you're pleased to see her.

Sounds like classic MIL one-upmanship to me. I don't think you should say anything to your Mum, but a few well placed comments to MIL might point out that she's being rather less than charitable.

Your MIL sounds like a nasty bitch. and you are better off without her "popping round" I think.

BUt if your mum really doesn't know what a cow she is. Don't tell her. It will only hurt her feelings not worth it.

fakeplastictrees MIL knows I have been confined to sofa/bed for 7 weeks. Not sure how to handle it with DH as am feeling very down/hormonal and will probably just end up blurting out "FGS will you stop your mother being such a cow"

Asteri what is HG?

how about saying to your DH - "I get really hurt when your mother insults mine. I know my mum can be a bit hard work, but she is really trying hard, do you think you could say something, or should I?"

oh, and my MIL never popped round when I was pregnant unless she was sure DH was here, after having DS we see her at least once a week. As much as we get on, I know she's far more interested in DS than me!

fakeplastictrees we have lived in this house for 4 years and MIL has only ever been around once and that was for a party we had the first xmas....

takelovingchances HG is Hyperemesis gravidarum, excessive vomiting that prevents adequate intake of food and fluids.

Mil sounds quite bitchy
& surely she realises that some help will come in handy with HG, you can hardly do anything?? I would just keep telling her like pjmama said not rudely but just keep responding dont let her away with these remarks with no come back @ all

I think you'll have to accept she's like this, and I would say something to DH, and make it clear you will pull her up on it if she says something again, even if he doesn't.

Also, if she's not helping now, you've got no chance after your DC arrive, so perhaps ask your mum to visit after your DH goes back to work after having your DC. (She does sound the "sit on the sofa and let DIL who's had an emergancy c-section run round making me cups of tea while I cuddle my grandchild" type!)

Perhaps next time she say anything along the lines of "don't know what she keeps coming for, you're only pregnant", you could respond along the lines of "I need a hand because the vomitting is making it all a bit tricky. But if you're offering some help, it would save her the journey."

TBH, the phone calls between them sounds a bit unusual to me - my mother and MIL ask after each other via me (mother 300 miles away, MIL local) but don't do direct contact.

"Don't know what she keeps coming for, you're only pregnant" would be met with "Because she's my mother and she loves me. And I love her and enjoy spending time with her." I'd also remind her gently any time she starts being bitchy "That's my mum you're talking about, try and be nice, OK?"

OP - thanks for explaining HG to me. I'm sorry to read you're having such a rough time of things

I think the advice given from most other posters here is good advice.

YANBU.

She's only been to your house once in 4 years?? God, there are plenty of people on MN who would kill you for a MIL like that

Though seriously, she sounds very mean and nasty. I am suprised you have let her continue for this long.

Don't involve your DH - it only puts him in the middle - deal with it yourself.

I would do exactly as pjmama suggested!!

Also, I would say to my Mum, 'DH's mum is going through a bit of an odd patch - I think it would be better if you didn't phone her anymore and if she wants to talk she can phone you. I don't know what's with her - but I think she needs to sort herself out and I think this is a good way of letting her do that'. (My Mum would then say 'what do you think's up with her' and I'd say 'I really don't know, but she seems to want to be left alone right now and I think we should respect that').

Mil is jealous of your mum, and knows the baby will be closer to your mum than her. Rise above it x

I´d definitely tell your Mum not to phone MIL anymore.

And I´d ignore MIL as much as poss tbh.

You don´t have to justify your mother visiting you.

I'd defend my mum to MIL myself- men are so crap at defending ime anyway. And your MIL is a 2faced cow who needs to be brought down a peg or 2.

Sounds like MIL might be a tad put out by how involved your mum is. I'd steer your mum away from her- no idea how without telling her what's happened, but really life is too short for people like this.

But OPs mum isn´t that involved is she as she´s quite a distance away.

TBH, when baby is here I would be letting MIL visit as little as possible-and pref. not at all when husband isn´t there.

But then I´m a b!tch!

There are some adults who children don´t benefit from a relationship with imo.

I like Sherida's advice.

I had HG and it is debilitating. I vomited 30 times a day for 9 months - even in labour! No one would believe how ill I was eventhough I was bed bound and fainting every 5 minutes. Even the GP's weren't interested so you ave no chance with your cow of a MIL.

TBH I would tell OH to ask MIL not to discuss your mother in your company again as you are offended by her rude comments. Or do it yourself.