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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

that a mother has put my dc at risk, and not to say anything about it.

90 replies

poppincandy · 25/07/2010 20:30

My dd (13) was invited to a birthday party, but I was unable to take her as I was at work. Therefore dd declined the invitation.

When she told her friend why she couldn't go, the mother of the girl who's party it was, offered to take her. This is not someone I know, but as a school friend, I was happy for her to go.

Fast forward to day of the party dd went with this girl and realised a number of the others were also getting a lift with the girl and her mum, 9 girls and the mum in a Zafira. One girl was to go in the front, 4 in the middle and 4 in the back. Now my dd said that she'd better not go, as I wouldn't like her travelling like that - the girl's mother basically coerced her and said oh it's fine don't worry about it, and unfortunately she gave into peer pressure, and travelled approximately 5 miles to the party like this.

Now dd is right and if I had known this was the travelling arrangements there would be no way I'd of allowed her to travel to the party like that, even if it meant she did not attend the party.

Now I want to contact the mother and tell her I'm not happy at all, but dd has asked not to embarrass her further, and won't accept a lift with this mother again, dh has said just don't let her drive dd any where again.

AIBU to be cross at this, would you allow your dd to travel to the party? Do I keep quiet now and just not allow this mother to give my dd a lift ever again?

OP posts:
pjmama · 25/07/2010 20:33

I'd be bloody annoyed too, but as no harm was done and your DD has asked you to not make an issue of it then I'd let it go and never accept a lift from the irresponsible cow again.

ZZZenAgain · 25/07/2010 20:34

not good but tricky. I don't know what I would do about it tbh

maxpower · 25/07/2010 20:40

YANBU to be cross but no harm was done and you and your dd have learned from it. Your dd told you the truth and has asked you not to say anything. IMO keeping her honesty and trust is more important. Let it go.

SloanyPony · 25/07/2010 21:02

What's the point doing anything now anyway? What's done is done. You can't stop the woman driving like that again - and no harm was done to your daughter.

Just make sure she doesn't accept a lift off her again.

Original poster
poppincandy · 25/07/2010 21:04

Ok I think I just needed to vent, and be glad that my dd can tell me things, even knowing they will make me cross. I think I will shudder at the thought of what could of been, and then put it to the back of my mind as experience.

OP posts:
Kaloki · 25/07/2010 21:08

Your DD sounds very sensible I'd leave it tbh

Ineed2 · 25/07/2010 21:09

Gosh thats scary, I have a zafira and can't imagine how you would get 4 kids in the back. Why do people do such daft things with other peoples kids??

chipmonkey · 25/07/2010 21:11

I was about to post, just leave it but then had the thought, what if she does this again and someone's child gets badly injured? If another Mum has given her a hard time about it, maybe she would think twice about doing it again? But then, to do it in the first place makes her an irresponsible cow and she's unlikely to change.

activate · 25/07/2010 21:12

you need to trust your sensible dd

benbenandme · 25/07/2010 21:20

YANBU but you also have one very sensible and mature daughter who you should be very proud of

SalFresco · 25/07/2010 21:26

Well done to your DD. That must have been a difficult situation for her to be in, and I can understand why she gave into pressure.

What the hell was the woman thinking? It isn't actually the 80's anymore...!

lisianthus · 25/07/2010 21:31

I think I might say something to the mother. Your DD DID refuse to get in the car, but the mother pressured her to get in. Who is to say that this wouldn't happen again even though your DD is very sensible. I would be inclined to say to the mother that you would be very unhappy if she put your daughter under pressure to do something like that again.

ChippingIn · 26/07/2010 01:14

I wouldn't say anything - your daughters trust is more important. I doubt saying something to the woman would make her change her ways and your daughter will not want to confide in you if she can't trust you to keep her confidences.

I would also be reiterating to your daughter how important it is that she does what she knows is the right thing & doesn't give into this kind of pressure - I wouldn't be cross, but I would be firm about it.

SolidGoldBrass · 26/07/2010 01:19

I'm bemused as to why this is such a big deal. I spent most of my younger days bundled into the boots of hatchbacks with various pals - and plenty of time rattling around in the back of converted landrovers and dodgy transits. and Not Dying. People fuss far too much about this sort of thing.

scanty · 26/07/2010 01:21

Just avoid this in future. Have had similar when Dc 7yrs old) was told they didn't need seat belt on short trip and then was allowed to play on the street and out of sight with their friend on another playdate. Have decided they can't play there aymore but happy to have friend over here. You asume that other parents have your norms in parenting - but not everyone does.

bruxeur · 26/07/2010 01:24

Of course to give the other side of the story, SGB, we really need to see some posts from those who did that and Then Died.

Oh wait! Self-selecting sample FTW!!1!

booyhoo · 26/07/2010 01:31

i agree with others that nothing can be achieved by ringing her now but i know if it was me i would ring and say something like, "thank you very much for collecting dd for the party, however i was quite concerned when i heard how many girls were actually in the car. dd did say that she didn't want to travel like that but said she felt pressured into it." and i woul then wait to see what she said about it. most likely she would make up some excuse about it being quicker than doing two runs and it was a one-off or she would get defensive and say, "well in that case i'll never offer to take her anywhere again." and slam the phone down.

BigBadMummy · 26/07/2010 01:32

I would have to say something. If there was an accident those kids would be unlikely to survive.

it is against the law to travel without seatbelts so what is this woman thinking?

Added to which any insurance would be invalid.

I really would not want my DCs travelling like this and would have to say something. Even if it was a gentle "I hope my DD wasn't rude to you when she said that I would not be happy for her to travel in the car without a seatbelt."

MummyWithA1Family · 26/07/2010 01:45

I agree with keeping your DDs trust and not making a huge deal of it if you've promised but I do think you need to mention to her that you were very grateful for the lift but had you known that many DCs would be going in one car then your DD wouldn't have gone. How old is DD? Incidently, who sat in the front? Just wondering if it was her own child ie doesn't matter as much about others as her own?

I'm sorry but can't agree with the 'no harm was done'. It is possible that this woman could do this hundreds maybe thousands of times without incidence, maybe she's a great driver, but it's not necessarily her driving that would cause an accident but possibly one of the other idiots on the road (let's face it there's plenty about). Who would be happy with their advice if the OP were to come back in a couple of months to say that she hadn't aired her grievances about this to the other mother who'd gone on to do it again and killed or seriously injured some or all of the children?

I'm not disagreeing with anyone's advice just trying to offer food for thought.

There's alot more cars on the road than in the 80's and peoples attitudes have changed to a me, me, me/now, now, now attitude so I believe our roads are more dangerous than then. Also you could argue a point of 'my grandchild doesn't need to wear a seatbelt as I didn't wear one when I was a child in the 50's'. Just because it was acceptable back then doesn't make it acceptable today!

solo · 26/07/2010 03:10

I know of several occasions where an overloaded car has had fatal consequenses.

Also, the insurance would be invalidated. Each passenger must have their own seat and seat belt. When you insure your car, you have to specify the number of seats your car has.

hillee · 26/07/2010 04:34

My DH works in one of the largest neuro/spine units in the country - and there are many many young men and women with massively debilitating injuries there (interestingly more young men than women). And these are the ones who were lucky enough not to die.

My BIL (who is much younger) was out visiting us last year, and he came home one night to tell me of how he squashed eleven people in his car to drive to a party. It's one of the few times I've ever seen my DH properly angry.

The mother you speak of is incredibly irresponsible, and while I agree that tackling her now might be socially difficult, someone needs to point out the danger she is placing these children in. And if that doesn't do it - how about the fact that she might be up for manslaughter if the worst does happen.

LittleSilver · 26/07/2010 08:24

What a beautifully brought up daughter you have OP. She sounds very mature.

BouncingTurtle · 26/07/2010 08:46

What you have to remember SGB - and I do understand where you are coming from, I certainly remember travelling around with my 2 brothers in the back of my Dad's Sierra with no seatbelts - is the cars are bigger, and faster and roads are much busier than the times whenwe were kids, and seatbelts in the back were a rarity.
Deaths and serious injuries to children have reduced massively since rear seatbelts and childseats were introduced.
Also you could be the SAFEST driver in the world - but you have zero control over the actions of other people. So why take a chance with your own or your child's safety?

IIRC there was a terrible accident a couple of years ago, a mother transported 6 children in her Citroen Xsara Picasso (a 5 seater car). 3 of the children were killed instantly as they were thrown out of the car, another 3 and the mother survived albeit with severe injuries when she lost control of the car in the fast lane of the motorway.

OP your daughter sounds very sensible. I wouldn't say anything to the other mother, but I wouldn't be allowing your DD to travel under such circumstances again - it does sound like she personally doesn't want to either.

GiddyPickle · 26/07/2010 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morloth · 26/07/2010 09:02

I used to spend my childhood climbing around cars without seat belts and even jumping on an off the back of a moving vehicle delivering feed.

I survived, but plenty of kids in my age bracket didn't hence the introduction of seatbelts and seat belt laws. Not a chance my DSs would be in a car without an appropriate restraint. (Strangely though I will allow them to do the truck thing if he wants when we are home).

OP, I wouldn't say anything, just go with your DD and try to let her know that next time she doesn't want to do anything she should go with it because she sounds very sensible indeed.