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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have completely lost my temper with my mum?

24 replies

HappySlapper · 25/07/2010 15:32

I won't bore you with the background. It's not abusive or anything like that, but there has been resentment building for many years between me and my mum.

They had dd staying with them last week and brought her home yesterday - my mum mentioned something that she's well aware is a sensitive issue... and I blew. I mean, really blew. I threw her out of my house several times, even though she didn't actually do it.

I don't like confrontation - in fact, I go out of my way to avoid it, so this isn't something that is usual behaviour. But it just pushed me that little bit too far, and I lost my head.

We sort of made up before she went home, but the relationship has shifted, I can feel it.

Is it a sort of unwritten rule that you shouldn't lose your temper with your mum? AIBU?

I feel slightly guilty, but mostly cleansed

OP posts:
jaffacake2 · 25/07/2010 15:46

Just a thought--- would you want your daughter to treat you like that in later years if you had made a mistake?

Original poster
HappySlapper · 25/07/2010 15:48

I wouldn't want anyone to treat me like that. I hate arguing. But sometimes it has to be done, doesn't it?

OP posts:
YunoYurbubson · 25/07/2010 15:49

From the limited and cryptic info in the op I'm going with YABU because (a) she didn't actually do it, and (b) losing your temper always makes you a bit in the wrong, and (c) your name makes me think of teenage girls beating people up and filming it on a mobile phone (sorry, I realise that isn't relevant but it's true, and in the interests of full disclosure etc etc).

SugarMousePink · 25/07/2010 15:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jaffacake2 · 25/07/2010 15:52

But is this too far throwing her out of the house ? If my daughters treated me like that then I might not ever return unless we sat down together and quietly went through the problem.

Whatever has happened your mum is a special person having brought you up and life is too short to lose her.

SlartyBartFast · 25/07/2010 15:59

and you are a mother yourself, i presume your dd's witnessed this grownup bheaviour?

SlartyBartFast · 25/07/2010 15:59

what was the sensitive issue though nosey

Original poster
HappySlapper · 25/07/2010 16:04

I'm trying to think of a way to cut a long story short.

Me and my mum, are quite close - but she's never really... mumsy with me. Never really has been. She has a sort of cold streak that I don't really understand. My younger sister has always been the favourite. It sounds ridiculous, but it's true and we all know it. However, despite that, me and my sister were always close. A few months ago, my sister and I fell out over a situation where I felt she had manipulated my daughter, and we haven't spoken for a few months.

Every time I see my mum (I live 150 miles away from the rest of them) -she mentions it - asks me to call my sister, blah blah. I have said several times, very reasonably, to please keep out of it.

So yesterday.. we were making tea, and she started again. It just tipped me over the edge and turned into this huge row about my relationship with her, and how I have felt for such a long time.

She didn't hold back either, btw - it's not like I stood and assassinated her character and made her cry - it was a proper adult argument - the first one that I've ever had with her since I've been a grown up... and I'm 40 tomorrow. I don't think that's bad going

OP posts:
Original poster
HappySlapper · 25/07/2010 16:05

No, Slarty, the children were out of the house.

OP posts:
coventgarden · 25/07/2010 16:08

Some times things need to be said but it is more important what happens next.

Tortington · 25/07/2010 16:08

i dont think its unreasonable for your mum to want you to speak with your sister

Original poster
HappySlapper · 25/07/2010 16:13

I don't either custardo. I can see where she's coming from. But, as I explained before it all blew up, I don't want to dread seeing her in case she keeps bringing it up. So I asked her to drop it and she wouldn't.

Please don't think I'm some Princess - my explanation regarding my issue with my mother looks very petty by itself - but honestly, these things go way back. I'm not being precious - it would just take too long to explain it all.

OP posts:
SugarMousePink · 25/07/2010 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thumbwitch · 25/07/2010 16:46

I can totally relate to your not wanting your mum to keep bringing it up. I had similar with my mum but over my brother - we actually can't stand each other, which made my mum sad, but her efforts to "help us get over it" made it all ten times worse, as it caused even more resentment and feelings of being got at etc. She did give up in the end because it was just making things worse - but she managed to do it again when she was in hospital, dying - which resulted in my brother saying that he didn't want to be in her room at the same time as me. He got damn short shrift from everyone over that and in the end we were all with her when she went.

There is no law that says you can't "have things out" with your Mum, and tbh I'm quite amazed you got to nearly 40 without having done it before! But perhaps 'throwing her out' of your house was a bit OTT, even if she didn't leave. Perhaps you'll be able to have a more rational conversation with her about it soon - it's only natural for mothers to want their DC to all get along and it probably upsets her that you don't (as it did mine) - but her interference could just prolong the situation, which is what I told my mum and she did attempt to leave it alone.

Original poster
HappySlapper · 25/07/2010 17:08

I didn't throw her out, but ask her to leave. In a manner of speaking. I didn't try and manhandle her out of my house or anything

OP posts:
SugarMousePink · 25/07/2010 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 25/07/2010 17:18

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Sometimes things have to be said, regardless of the consequences.

Animation · 25/07/2010 17:26

HappySlapper.

I think you were right to try and set a boundary with your mum. It sounds like your sister is the 'golden child' of the famiily which must be irritating, particularly if you're the scapegoat.

I'm interested to know why you've called yourself "Happy Slapper?" Going into analytical mode, it made me wonder if you might tend to do things that spoil it for yoursef - and make people not take you seriously.

UnquietDad · 25/07/2010 17:29

I synmpathise. I have done it myself. The flashpoint was my mother's continual, uninformed racist comments - but it sounds a similar situation in that she knew it was controversial and something we'd agreed not to talk about. But she did. Over and over again. And in that very obvious "picking an argument" tone too. I lost my temper the 100th time after we had let it go 99 times.

And then, of course, she can smugly occupy the moral high ground because she can always refer back to "the time you flew into a rage for no reason" [sic]

How old is your mum? I think a lot of people, once they get past a certain point, expect their views to be heard unchallenged. It's the "I'll say my piece" mentality. I've discussed this on here before and found a lot of people saying "god, are we related?!" because their mothers are just like mine. She will sit, hands in lap, and look around at everyone one by one while she pontificates, holds court, and sets all these misguided journalists and "experts" to rights.

And they have friends who don't pick them up on these things because it's just too much trouble - far easier to say, "Yes, Maureen, you're right" and change the subject. So they feel as if they live in a world where their views are OK and it looks like it is "just you" with the "problem".

Original poster
HappySlapper · 25/07/2010 17:29

It was an alter that I used to post about something sensitive to my marriage - before we separated

OP posts:
Original poster
HappySlapper · 25/07/2010 17:35

She's 62, UnquietDad. She has been the same for as long as I can remember. Everything is about her - even when we were arguing yesterday, she made it all about her. So frustrating...

She asked me for examples of when I felt I was treated badly - so I gave them - all of them - and you know what? She couldn't remember any of the incidents I referred to, and told me I was petty and paranoid

So yes - I suspect it is me with the 'problem'

OP posts:
UnquietDad · 25/07/2010 17:39

Mine is 80, but she's been like it for as long as I can remember!

Animation · 25/07/2010 19:12

I sympathise with you. It sounds like your mum has some narcissistic traits if she can't see your pain and makes it all about her, and probably unable to take responsibility and admit she's wrong either. It sounds like you've been carrying an injustice around a long time.

SalFresco · 25/07/2010 20:31

My mum also has a "coldness", OP. When she is angry or annoyed with you, she will do this thing where she withdraws, without actually cutting me out - ie, she only answer if I speak to her, Yes/No answers,etc, and often for the pettiest reasons (she kept it up for 2 weeks when I was preg with DS2, becuase I asked her not to say something horrible about my MIL in front of DS1 - I don't like my MIL but she is DS1's nana!

Most recently, she did it when I had an argument with my sister. There was no reason for her to be involved, and certainly not for her to join with my sister in attacking me. I am normally diplomatic, but for the first time I blew up at her. Like you, I felt weirdly cleansed - I had never done this before. For the first time ever, she actually apologised, and since then she has acted slightly differently towards me - not so belittling and patronising.

You probably will find there has been a shift in your relationship from now on, but that is not necessarily a bad thing.

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