to feel so trapped

[caughtinatrap]

Please don't flame me too much as I'm feeling very low today.

I grew up in a town that I absolutely hate. Without giving too much away, it's not a very nice place, full of depressing high rises, litter on the streets, just generally the kind of place that makes your spirits sink.

It was always my ambition all through school and uni that I would leave ( I went to uni here as parents couldn't afford to send me away). Then I got pregnant at the end of uni and ended up staying here with dd for a bit longer than planned to be close to my parents so I wasn't totally alone - split up with dd's abusive father shortly after she was born, we have no contact.

By the time dd was about five I had my life sorted, we were planning to make the big move to another city where I've always dreamed of living. Then I met my DH to be, who has a ds of whom he has shared custody, we have him every weekend.

I fell so in love with him and we got married after a couple of years.We now have our own ds together. But it is only recently really sinking in that I am NEVER leaving this awful place, at least not until DSD leaves school and maybe goes to uni - until then we will have him every weekend, and have to live here. DH would not want to live in a different town from DSD. I guess I just haven't allowed myself to think about this before now. So I'll be well into my 40's before I can get out, and I'm finding that very hard to cope with. I can't imagine what my 15 year old self would think of me right now. All my school and uni friends have left here - it's just me now. I know they all know that I always wanted to leave, and it's so hard pretending to everyone that actually I'm happy living here.

I suppose I didn't think about the implications of marrying DH and what it would mean at the time. I just feel there are so many amazing places out there and I am literally trapped here. I have the kind of job that could take me anywhere in the world - but I am stuck here.

I know that I am so lucky to have my DCs and that this situation is of my own making. I just can't see a way out and am finding it harder and harder to get out of bed in the mornings. I am probably depressed but the only thing that would help would be to leave here and that isn't going to happen - even though DH and I really don't get on any more, I won't split our family up by moving.

Please don't be too harsh if you disagree with me as I feel totally desperate and can't bear the thought of another ten years in this place.

Dear Caught I have to say that it sounds to me like you are depressed, and maybe the best course of action is to seek out some councelling. I guess the starting point is your GP, and if you have a good job maybe you can pay for some? I know it does wonders, and really helps you understand the root of the problem. For I think that this cannot be the only thing that is making you depressed. As you said, you fell in love with your DH, got married. On some level you must have known what this means. And on some level you must have been ok with staying. It somehow just seems to me like there is more to your current state.

Moving isn't everything. I have lived all over the place, and am currently not living in my own country. What you do, who you spend your time with and your family are far more important than where you live. There are sooooo many miserable people in London (where I currently live), because they do not have all these other things sorted. Every town has a nice area. Do you live in a particularly grim part? Can you move to a nicer part? Or even slightly outside and commute in?

Can you travel? If you go somewhere for every holiday it will make a difference. You could even make another city your 'second home' if you go often enough. Be it Bristol, Manchester, London or New York! If you go often enough you'll get to know it's nooks and crannies and enjoy spending time there. You could even pave your way for moving there one day in the future. But perhaps those are the plans that you should talk to your DH about. How does he feel about the place?

You say it is hard to pretend to your friends that you are happy. Why do you have to pretend? Is it competitivness?

I think its telling you say you are not getting on with DH, that may be the reason you are feeling trapped, its not the place but the relationship.

Maybe talk to him about it? Tell him how you feel, get the relationship back to how it was, then you can start to change the other things around you. Could you not move say 10 miles away and still be near enough for DS every weekend?

I would start with the marriage, then look at where you live. You can make some changes, everyone has choices, so do you, at the moment you are choosing not to change the status quo.

Even small changes will make a world of difference to your outlook.

Oh, I did not see that Caught does not get on with her DH anymore. Sorry, good point Mary.

first things first, get some help for the depression. you will never make any changes when depressed. my mate is on the lowest dose of prozac and the change it has made is wonderful

then, you might want to take a clear look at your marriage and see if its workable

good luck, but do get depression addressed