DH's 40th birthday

[bunkers]

DH turns 40 in a couple of months. We live overseas and are making a trip back to the uk for his birthday as he wanted to celebrate with friends and family from home.

To celebrate his birthday he wanted to go to Ibiza for a long weekend with a few friends. We have 2 dd's, age 4yrs and 10 months. I couldn't go to Ibiza without them as dd2 is bf. If I took them with me I would be stuck in hotel with them at night while dh and friends go out. Call me old fashioned, but I was a bit peeved that my husbands idea of the perfect birthday celebration was something that I couldn't be included in.

After some argument discussion he decided to celebrate at home with family on his actual birthday and go clubbing at a Sunday event a few weeks later with friends.

The clubbing event has now turned into him going to London for three days, renting a house and staying there with brothers and a couple of friends, and organising a party in a bar on the Saturday night before the Sunday event. The house will not be a suitable place for dd's to stay, so obviously I can't stay there either. I can go to the Sunday event for a few hours, but am unable to leave dd2 for too long due to bf on demand and the fact that she is a poor sleeper and needs me to settle her. He clearly sees this weekend as his 'real' celebration, but yet again I am mostly excluded from the plans.

I feel like he might as well be going to Ibiza. I know it's his 40th and he should celebrate how he wants, bla bla bla. But AIBU to wish that my husband would want to do something that his wife could be part of too? AIBU to want him to scale back the plans and just go to the Sunday event?

cheeky bugger

I'd be fuming

YANBU.

Whenever the time comes that you've stopped BF, when it's your birthday, go away for three days and leave him with the kids! Don't tell him that now though, just wait til the time comes.

Sounds like your dh is trying to relive his youth. YANBU, tell him how you feel.

That's what I think Spring.
Like that idea Hairy! I love bf dd2, but am looking forward to the time when she is not so dependent on me.
Thanks Mowgli, I have told him my feelings. It took a lot for him to see the Ibiza issue from my pov. I just wish I didn't have to spell it out to him and that we were a bit more in sync with what we want.

Totally pathetic, just like my DH. Nothing helpful to say unfortunately!

Wellll, I went skiing for my 40th with my friends and DH didn't come. It was something I was desperate to do and turning 40 seemed like the right opportunity to make it happen.

I can't quite see this as a huge problem tbh. Your DH has compromised so he isn't going away on the actual day and is celebrating it with friends and family, but a few weeks later is going away for a couple of nights to do something he really enjoys but doesn't get much of an opportunity to do now he has a family.

I think it is pathetic they way men still want to celebrate their 40ths in a way that would have been fine for turning 21, or maybe even 30, but 40?? Come on lads, grow up.

I speak as someone who's husband would have loved to have done what yours is doing. In the end, we had an overnight celebration at a hotel that family and close friends went to then a couple weeks later he went on a golf trip (4 days) to scotland, which was fine by me.

But the whole 40th birthday thing has just become ridiculous, like stags, just a chance for men to relive their misspent youth!

HRRMPH!

But he is celebrating his 40th with you and your DDs

at clubbing at 40 tbh......I haven't been clubbing for years and I'm 30!

He's being totally unreasonable in making plans which can't include you. He needs to grow up and have some consideration for his wife and children IMO.

YANBU and he is having a mid-life crisis! Sure going away (like skiing) for an experience or to visit somewhere you've always wanted to, but clubbing? Christ, how is that even fun after 25? No. He needs to accept where he is in his life - a father of a EBF baby and the husband of a BF mum.

Grow up Mr Bunkers! (And happy birthday)

He doesn't sound like a man ready to embrace middle age. I suspect this is why he's acting like a twat - you're right to feel aggrieved, but tread carefully. Unless of course he's just a twat.

I'm 40 and would hate the idea of a weekend clubbing, but just because the OPs DH is 40 as well does that mean he has to don a pair of slippers and sit at home watching Strictly Come Dancing for the next 40 years. Why on earth should he embrace middle age, it's not obligatory you know.

He just wants to go away for his birthday, ok again clubbing for a long weekend sounds like my idea of water torture but there has been no mention of drugs, unfaithfulness or general debauchery so why is it so particularly inappropriate that this is what he wants to do. Presumably as well they can afford it or this would have been mentioned by the OP

His children are BF, does this mean that he should not like clubbing - cannot see the logic in this statement at all.

I personally think that a 40 year old man who feels that he can only find fulfilment by going clubbing is a little bit sad actually.

My 40th b'day was at the beginning of May this year and I had a lovely time with DH, my 2 yo DD, my 5 week old DD and my parents. The following day, DH walked himself into A&E. Two days later he was diagnosed with cancer. My lovely father died less than 2 weeks ago - it was his funeral yesterday. I have grown up more in the past 2.5 months than I had in the whole of the previous 40 years.

Not saying this to gain any sympathy. Just to give some perspective.

o just stop thinking about the weekend in london as his birthday celebration.

he is spending his 40th with you and dc

weeks later he is going away for a few days with his mates. do you really object to him going away for a few days with his mates?

seriously we all need time out to be ourselves, or the people we think we are. leave well alone

Let him off the leash with good grace.
They are very very grateful when they come back, trust me.

"Let him off the leash" fgs

I think he has compromised nicely. he is spending his birthday with you and your children which Im sure he will love and is looking forward to.
But then he is going out with his friends clubbing in London for along weekend.

Im quite sad about the number of people who are disgusted and shocked at a 40 year old man who enjoys clubbing.
He isnt going to a strip club, or a brothal!

Clubbing is a genuine hobby that a lot of people do it their 40s... including my DP.

he's not sad or pathetic, he's just passionate about music and having a good time!

He went clubbing for his 40th and I went! I can see why you're upset you cant join in but that is what you sacrifice for breast feeding for this long. Its only a short time and pressumably next birthday you'll be able to join in.

Some balanced replies. Thanks everyone .

He's not on a leash, and given that he isn't going to Ibiza I definitely wont ask him not to make such a big weekend of it. I'm more just disappointed that he doesn't see a $7k trip to the uk to spend the day with his family as enough of a celebration.

As for being able to afford it, well dh is a contractor, his work is finishing the day before we go away and no work as yet for when we come back, so anything that we spend is coming out of our savings with which we hoped to put down a deposit for a house.

Also, last year he put on a big party for his birthday. I was 8 months pregnant, had a sprained ankle, at home caring for dd2 who had a cold which brought on her asthma. I asked him to come straight home after party (which was finishing at 6am). Come 7am, no dh, no answer on mob. He'd got trashed and was sleeping it off round a friends . I know I need to let that go, but it has definitely made me feel a bit unsupportive about what he wants to do this year.

Rindercella, so sorry about your dad. How is your dh? It certainly does put things in perspective. This birthday issue is not huge in the grand scheme of things and he is a good husband and loving father.