Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to expect my XH to wash DDs whilst in his care?

17 replies

sugar2spice · 23/07/2010 22:25

My soon to be XH has our 2 DDs every other weekend. The last time I picked them up they were quite dirty and eldest hadn't changed her clothes since Friday night (when I dropped off), collected them Sunday evening. When I pointed out that they didn't look acceptable he kicked off, said that I was nitpicking and that they used to get just as dirty when we all lived togeher. My sol says I should refuse to leave them with him if I think he's neglecting them, which I have done and it's not gone down well.

OP posts:

BertieBasset · 23/07/2010 22:33

I don't think you should stop him seeing them, unless there are safefy issues at his home in regard to cleanliness, but I don't think yabu to want them washed!

Surely your girls prefer to be clean too!

fernie3 · 23/07/2010 22:35

well I personally wouldnt stop them seeing their dad over this, its annoying but I wouldnt call it neglect unless they actually had matted hair or were in dirty nappies etc.
If they had a good time and were otherwise happy I woudl have overlooked it.

Al1son · 23/07/2010 22:39

I would just accept that they will come back from him ready for a bath and hairwash which you'd probably do on Sunday night anyway.

It's not pleasant but it won't do them any harm and it could well be happening to wind you up. Therefore it's best ignore in the interests of family harmony for the sake of your children.

Original poster

sugar2spice · 23/07/2010 23:23

Thanks, I guess I'll have to put up wih it as they don't seemed too fussed about have sauce round their faces and in their hair all weekend. I just have the tears when I try & remove it.A few of my friends have seen them out & about with soon to be XH and have txtd me to say what a filthy state they were in, yet he is immaculate. My DDs are 5 & 6 and are not that great at hairbrushing etc by themselves.

OP posts:

seeker · 23/07/2010 23:37

How filthy can you get in one night? And I speak as the poarent of the original dirt magnet. He is very often quite dirty, but I don;t think anyone would describe him as being "in a filty state" after one night away!

zazen · 23/07/2010 23:43

Sounds like that's "women's work" to him...

Is he brushing their teeth? helping them wipe themselves after a poo? If not it is neglect.

might a visit from the HV be a good idea, to help him get over himself, and learn how to get his hands dirty with the nitty gritty of parenting?

jendaisy · 23/07/2010 23:44

My DD has just turned 6 and I have exactly the same arrangement as you have in that dd goes to my ex every other weekend. He never brushes her hair, or her teeth, and she is often absolutely filthy when she comes back. But irritating though it is it's not enough of a reason to stop him seeing her, and after a good bath and some clean jammies she is good as new! I have argued with him about it so many times over the years and nothing changes, so I don't waste my energy on it. At least as they get older they will be able to take more responsibility in keeping themselves clean.

thursday · 23/07/2010 23:47

i'm not sure its possible for expecting a child to be washed every day to be considered unreasonable.

although i wouldnt stop contact over it, i would tell him i think it serious and if it continued i wouldnt be leaving them over night so at least i knew they were getting clean clothes every day and teeth cleaned etc. he can choose to sulk about that, or man up and be a better dad.

Al1son · 23/07/2010 23:56

I think the girls will learn to care for themselves quite quickly. Anything that bothers them will be something they learn to deal with after a while and you can support them by teaching them in a calm relaxed way at home.

I also think he'll end up embarrassed by it in the end so if you're showing quiet acceptance he may decide that it's not winding you up and he needs to make a bit of effort to save face.

I'm not sure how you'd handle him having them for longer periods in the school holidays though. I happily let my children get filthy for whole weekends camping but they get a good shower/bath at the end of the 2 days. A week or two would definitely be a different matter. He'd have to buck his ideas up before I left them with him for any longer than a weekend.

hairytriangle · 24/07/2010 09:17

Zazen this isn't neglect ffs. It's not actually harming them it's just a little short of what has become society expected standard.

Mowgli1970 · 24/07/2010 09:37

Could you say you're doing a star chart for them and pack it in their overnight bag. If they remember to clean their teeth, brush their hair, wash their hands and face and have clean clothes they get a star and if they remember to do it, 5 stars get a treat. That way you're not telling him to do it, your girls will learn good habits and hopefully it'll be done peacefully.

Flisspaps · 24/07/2010 16:20

Hang on, when you say she's not changed her clothes since Friday night, do you mean she's been wearing the same socks/pants etc as well, or just the same top and bottoms?

Same socks/pants ime is a good enough reason to say he needs to sort it out, same outerwear not so much.

jeminthecellar · 24/07/2010 16:25

How old are your daughters? /
my ex sometimres sends home clean washing sometimes doesn't. Mine are old enough to ask for a bath and change themslves though.

tbh it is not worth nit-picking- you obviously must feel he cares for your daughters or if there were any real child protection issues you would not let him look after them...so it DOES come across as if you are trying to have a go at him...dunno.....how old are they?? Mine are older so i am probably sounding a bit harsh on you if you are just worried, sorry

cory · 24/07/2010 16:34

"Is he brushing their teeth? helping them wipe themselves after a poo? If not it is neglect."

Sorry but why would a 6yo need someone to help her after a poo? They don't get that at school, do they?

Unless they have slept in the "outerwear", I would say it is normal to wear the same tops and skirts/trousers for two or three days. In fact, lots of people would think it totally irresponsible to wash clothes after only a day.

crisproll2 · 24/07/2010 17:03

Are they definitely wearing same clothes all weekend? My XP strips our DS as soon as he gets in his house, stuffs the clothes in a bag and puts DS back in them on sunday when he brings him home. At first I was a bit annoyed, like they thought the clothes were dirty or something but now Im just glad I get the clothes back. Could you not send them with one change of clothes just now and see how the situation develops. If its a recent split he might not be very well organised at his new place.
It is so hard handing over your DC to someone you no longer like/love.
I used to worry like mad, but a few years down the line I am a bit at the fuss I used to make about some things. It`s normal!

Original poster

sugar2spice · 24/07/2010 22:16

Thanks for all the replies I get the both my DDs changed into clean outer clothes once home from school and they take 2 complete changes of clothes for Saturday & Sunday, especially as my youngest (5) has accidents occasionally. XH lives with his parents, but they go to their caravan at the weekends. I have asked him to make sure that the DDS change their underwear every day and NOT to put youngest DD's wet stuff back into the bag, asked nicely to wash it or put it in a plastic bag for me to. I have just recently had a conversation with his mum and asked them to be home a bit more often to help him, I had hoped that after a few months things would improve. Hopefully this and the star chart will help.

OP posts:

zazen · 24/07/2010 23:18

"Sorry but why would a 6yo need someone to help her after a poo? They don't get that at school, do they?"
No indeed most don't Cory but some do and if they do need help, the fact they're not helped at school bears no relavence to parental care when they're not at school. DYSWIM? If they need help they need it, and if they're not getting it, or help with their teeth brushing (as is recommended by the dental council) they are being neglected.

Hope your MIL can get your X's ducks in a row for you OP.

Flip