AIBU to be feeling like I'm being taken advantage of by a neighbour?

[abdnhiker]

The neighbours across the street have a 5 year old girl, I have two boys (4 and 2). Up until recently, things have been great but lately I've felt like a mug. We've always helped each other out, having the kids over when one of us had a doctors appt etc. I took her daughter to a 5&under playgroup with us a bunch and we've had her over regularly. My boys go over quite a bit less, but then they are more work being younger.

But lately she's been phoning me to take her daughter for an hour so she can walk her dog simply because her daughter doesn't want to. I was feeling a bit uncool about this because it's happening so often but last week she was on a course and her daughter was home bored with her grandmother (who's not young) so I had her daughter over for most of two whole days because I felt sorry for her (and we can see into each other's front windows).

Today she'd invited my older boy could come over while my younger one naps (my younger one needs cuddles to sleep at the moment, he's very unsettled) but when I brought my DS1 over, she was not happy to see him because they were still having lunch and made it very clear that he wasn't really welcome. I needed to bring DS1 over then because I had to put DS2 down and that involves lying down with him at the moment (I know it's a bad sleep habit, but he's a bit insecure after a disastrous attempt at toilet training two weeks ago so I'm just rolling with it). I snapped because this cold lack of welcome is completely opposite to all the hard work I've put in with her five year old (who is hard work - likes a lot of attention). I lost it, didn't say anything, but went into the house and picked up my son (who'd wandered in) and took him home. She tried to grab him from me, which scared him, so he was happy to come home with me, even though

All I said was "he's not staying if he's not really welcome". She was mad that I rushed off but I yelled that I had to get home to DS2 (who was home alone for the minute this took). Am I being an idiot for always opening my house to her daughter when the favour is not returned or only returned begrudgingly?

I think she is taking the piss, but it sounds like you are very in each other's pockets which I couldn't stand.

YABU a bit to leave your 2 year old unattended at home if he was awake.

Yes it sounds like she is being unreasonable and I think when you feel calm you are going to have to say something. May lead to you two falling out but it depends how you feel about it.

I wouldn't leave my 2-year-old on her own in the house for a minute if she was asleep or awake!

yanbu - you've helped her out & she's not doing the same. Would keep your kids at your home & let her walk her dog with her 5yr old

Don't think you should have 'snapped' in front of the children present and definitely don't think you should have left your 'unsettled' son at home alone- whether for one minute or one hour.

No wonder your other ds was scared withtwo mad women lunging at him!

Maybe lunchtime was a stressful time?
That may explain why the red carpet wasn't rolled out for your welcome? We all have off days. What kind of welcome did you want?

This is a communication problem - your neighbour asks for a favour you agree grudgingly (but keep your feelings to yourself), and you take it upon yourself to entertain her daughter when her gran is looking after her. Then when you want your neighbour to take your son she is openly ungracious and as you feel put upon, you are offended and rush off dramatically.

You can say no when she asks you to look after her daughter, this is a request not an obligation. Do not blame her for asking or for not being as obliging as you. Take control of the situation it is not a good idea to argue with your neighbours so try and keep relations friendly if possible.

Thanks for the comments - I think many of you are right and this is a communication problem and i'll definitely get a spine and start saying no. It's hard to do that as we've no family so I feel like I constantly need to make sure I do favours for everyone so that I can get help in return when I really need it (like when my youngest had surgery) but I think I need to learn that not everyone will help - no matter what I do - and I should focus my efforts a bit more so I don't burn out. (She couldn't help the day my son had surgery because her daughter had a swimming lesson - another friend dropped everything to help though during the day and another neighbour took dS1 at night so we were fine).

As for snapping - I really wish I hadn't but there was no screaming or anything involved & my son seems fine (her daughter was in another room). I'll chalk it up to experience and make sure I don't put myself in that situation again.

As for leaving my other son - it's right across the street, the door was open, i could hear him. We live in a small village and traffic isn't an issue. But I do see that this might seem unacceptable for people who haven't seen our neighbourhood. honestly it's not much different than letting them be in another room in the house (and I do allow him that - which is why he poured shampoo all over my bedroom floor - but that's another, less stressful and funnier, story!).

how are you going to react next time you bump into her -which will be soon presumably?

You were across the road? I thought you were BU when I presumed the hosues were right next to each other.

madduggar I don't want to go down this route because everyone has different levels of acceptable risk and I know that there's no point to discussing it but I can see and hear my house much better from across the street than right next door - the plan was I'd only have to walk my older boy across the street, leaving my front door open so I could hear and keep an eye on the door in case DS2 (who knew where I was) wanted me. That's why I was upset to have to go into her house and pull DS1 out.

ZZZenAgain I've already seen her - and it's turned into a non-issue because she spoke first and told me that I was obviously having a really bad day (ie. she'll forgive me - but also absolving herself of any blame). I'm okay with this for neighbourhood harmony but I will think about how I interact with her and what favours I do in the future.

ok, but you can say no in the future now can't you?

Fwiw, if she was in the middle of lunch, i do understand why she was a little put out. Did you not agree an actual time?

Get some distance back between you. It's not your business if her daughter is with the grandmother and you think she might be bored, so have her over at yours.

You've said it yourself, she's a bit hard work, so why inflict that on yourself willingly?