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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not bother making friends with women any more because they're too bloody bitchy

60 replies

Dinkytinky · 23/07/2010 00:22

Went out for dinner with new work colleagues (all temps) and one woman who has been nice to me all week just turned on me- sniping about everything I said/dirty looks.
At one point we were talking about money and I said I'd like to work in banking/brokering so I could earn alot quickly and pay off my mums mortgage and she could retire. She said 'don't pretend you're that kind of person dinky, why do you act all sweet all the time? You don't have to sugarcoat everything like an x factor story'
she's only known me a week! Grr
then sniped at me being excited about new tv- it'll be the first brand new one I've ever owned and I only mentioned it once.

I act confident but I'm really shy and really want to make more female friends but I just can't stand it!! Grr, it took alot for me to work up the courage to go out, I just want to hide in my cave again

OP posts:

mamasmissionimpossible · 23/07/2010 08:48

Not all women are bitchy. I'm not! I have experienced bitchiness with women though. Such a shame. I hope you manage to find some women on your wavelength.

sunny2010 · 23/07/2010 08:50

I work in an all female environment and we never have this. I always think women who constantly experience this it must be the women who says women always are bitchy erx as I manage to work in all female environments wthout it ever being like this.

I do agree about the men thing. My husband works in a manual place and they say things like pass that to me you ugly cunt and they all laugh about it. If this happened to someone women they would have an emotional breakdown!

sarah293 · 23/07/2010 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Chil1234 · 23/07/2010 09:10

Riven you must lead a charmed life women-wise!! Men do tend to rib each other robustly about stuff, but it's almost always up front and not behind backs. The nasty woman experienced by the OP was unusual in that respect. Usually women are all smiles to the face and keep the nasty gossip for later .... The only men I've ever found to be on a par with women for this have been gay ones...

lolapoppins · 23/07/2010 09:11

For those of you who say most of your friends are male, have you known them all for a long time?

I have always prefered the company of men to women, and almost all my friends were men. Then I married dh and they all pulled away from me, like I was now the fecking property of another man or something (not that I'm saying I am, but that's how I felt they came across). I stayed in touch, then they got partners/married and it turned into their partners being friends with me more. I've not seen my closest male friend who I have known since I was 15 alone in over 10 years. When we get together, i'm always with his wife, who is lovely but that's not the point.

I would love some male freinds. But I don't work (home ed ds) and am surrounded by other mothers all bloody day. If i go out and get chatting to men, I get bitchy comments from women I am with for talking to other men when I am married.

It all makes me very sad really, I miss male friendships so much. I have always found women quite nasty to each other, but since becomming a parent I found a while new world of bitchy, nasty women in other mothers and I can't be arsed with it all.

Oblomov · 23/07/2010 09:22

was mid thread read, and then rushed off to discover ds2 has unrolled the whole brand new toilet roll. again.
where was I ?

AmazingBouncingFerret · 23/07/2010 09:24

When a group of men that know each other call each other names and take the piss it's generally "jolly banter" and they all laugh about it. If a woman was to do this in a group of women it usually has an ulterior motive which is why it gets the label bitchy.

That's how I see it anyway. Could be wrong, usually am!

Oblomov · 23/07/2010 09:25

work is fine. you get the odd strange woman but no bitchiness.
Op this woman sounds horrible.
Have been shocked and saddened at how bitchy the playground mums are. So many nice ones but the bitching of some is horrible.

Booboobedoo · 23/07/2010 09:34

I rarely come across women like this now I've reached adulthood.

The behind-yer-back gossiping wouldn't bother me as long as I didn't find out, and if someone tries to engage me in such a conversation I back off rapidly.

I'm just not interested in that kind of 'bonding'.

That's what it is, though, isn't it?

If we can all agree that so-and-so is somehow inferior to the rest of the pack, we can all feel complacent and matey together.

It's scapegoating, and it's dull.

MarineIguana · 23/07/2010 09:34

I use to be a man's woman and had no female friends, when I was at university... gradually over the past 20 years I've done a 180 degree turn and now I have a variety of female friends who are wonderful and not bitchy (well ok some are but in a funny way, not snipy at me IYSWIM)

What I've slowly realised is that you have to take time to get to know people and the worst experiences I've had are with women who seem like they're my best buddy straight away. Take it slowly and carefully edit anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable or tries mind games on you.

Also you might find it easier to go for lunch or a coffee with one woman, not a group.

Sidge · 23/07/2010 09:43

I wouldn't take this woman as representative of the species - it sounds to me like as the new girl at work she mistakenly thought she'd appear more witty and amusing by making bitchy comments.

Unfortunately some people confuse bitchiness with humorous - they think they're being hilarious when actually they're being vile.

belleymum · 23/07/2010 09:45

What were all the other women like?
The one you describe sounds disgraceful but maybe the others are ok?
Unfortunately she may be influential over the others if they didn't respond to the horrendous comments.

ChocolateMoose · 23/07/2010 10:09

I haven't really come across adult women being bitchy like that, either friends or colleagues. Reminds me unpleasantly of some people at school though!
Dinky, sorry you had a horrible experience. Hopefully once you've been there for a bit longer you'll get a feel for who is genuinely friendly.

porcamiseria · 23/07/2010 10:10

maybe its not that women are bitches, just that you are not very likeable?

TheMoonOnAStick · 23/07/2010 10:17

'Unfortunately some people confuse bitchiness with humorous - they think they're being hilarious when actually they're being vile.' I know someone that does this.

I find it very hard to deal with. I know at heart she is a decent person and when she's being ok I like her a lot, but I find I have to remind myself of the fact so often when she's being 'funny' (acerbic), that I'm starting to wonder if there's any point.

Strangely though most people seem to find her to be great and don't seem at all fazed by it, even when she's said something incredibly rude or cutting. It does my head in though

whatname · 23/07/2010 10:22

ime, women are very bitchy.
work colleagues would gossip about everyone. i never opened up to them
i found ante natal groups awful with the amount of one-upmanship.
hence i have no friends

Morloth · 23/07/2010 10:26

Men can be mean and snipey. My brother is a complete cow.

SpiderObsession · 23/07/2010 10:26

Dinky, I've worked in an office were I was singled out by a group of women hiding behind a ringleader. If this women is making snide comments to your face in the first week she is the ringleader and it will only get worse unless you stand up to her.

Get her alone (divide and conquer) and ask her what the problem is. Say you've been here a week, have been trying to settle in and were really surprised at her nasty comments. You have to work together so it would be best if whatever problem there is is brought out in the open so it can be dealt with.

I'm sure other Mners can make that more succinct, but unless you draw her out it will get worse.

SpiderObsession · 23/07/2010 10:28

Oh SHE's been here a week. Even better, that puts you in a stronger position. Still have a word. If you don't she'll try to undermine you.

compo · 23/07/2010 10:34

By porcamiseria Fri 23-Jul-10 10:10:45
maybe its not that women are bitches, just that you are not very likeable?

Lol do you have any friends with comments like that ?!?

LittleMissHissyFit · 23/07/2010 10:34

Thing is, women can be really bitchy.

Blokes however can be pretty condescending and patronising. A pat on the head, a there there every so often... and there is nothing that they have done that is overtly offensive... but somehow it IS.

That said, I would hate to work for another female boss. It has been a litany of disaster IME.

Dinky, you need to step back and observe more, see what kind of Alpha female thing is going on and make sure you stay well out of it. If you DO get any crappy comments like that, call her out on them.

Every. Single. Time.

Such as Bloody Hell woman, that was a bit strong!

To everyone else, is she always this rude?

Stand up for yourself, she is insecure, jealous and a bully. Stand up to her and she will crumble. Put her back in her box, she was only 'showing off cos you had guests' i.e the audience.

Laugh her off, don't take her seriously.

porcamiseria · 23/07/2010 10:57

compo

gazillions! but seriously I was just reacting to a thread that stated all women aree bitchy, be being a bitch!

OP stand up to her, dont take any shit. and dont assum,e all women are bitches! tis not true

people are people

Original poster

Dinkytinky · 23/07/2010 12:36

Morning all! Thanks everyone for replying, the other women did seem to hide behind er a bit apart from one lovely polish girl Who just rolled her eyes and winked at me.

I hope I'm not unlikeable haha! I think blokes do just get verything out in the open/call you out if you're being a nob. Like this morning my mate popped in for a brew and got all silly when I used the same tea spoon for his coffee that I used for my tea, and DP just said 'oh fuck off lady muck, if you don't like it bring your own teaspoon' then they squirreled off to look at brackets!

OP posts:

swanandduck · 23/07/2010 13:15

She's probably the office bitch and the other's were just relieved she was leaving them alone for a change.

5Foot5 · 23/07/2010 13:33

Most of my career I have been in a male-dominated job so I have only rarely worked with women. However, where I have worked for the last 2 years it is roughly 50-50 and I can honestly say I have met nobody like the person OP describes. Everyone seems very friendly and normal.

One good thing abut working with more women - in my last place I was the only woman on the team and if we went out for lunch or in the evening it was only a matter of time before the conversation turned to football and once there could take forever before it could be shifted. This is a subject about which I know nothing and care less so I was effectively excluded from the conversation. here we have a ladies lunch quite often and the conversation covers many subjects but never football

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