to think my father is unreasonable?

[Ionderog]

My mother had a long illness (and subsequently passed away) for 10 years starting when I was 22.

As she was on chemo, she was worried about infection and saw very little of us (or anyone else). Unsurprisingly we got no help when our first son was born from my parents as my Mum was sick and my Dad her primary carer.

When my Mum was diagnosed terminal, we moved to be near them, away from my husband's family who were always up for babysitting or whatever.

I did what I regarded as my family duty and helped in whatever way I could, taking time off work and jeopardising my career as my boss didn't really understand why I needed to.

I was pregnant at the time, and used up all the annual leave I was saving to augment my statutory maternity leave.

Hubby was very understanding and patient with all of this, as in his family, family comes first.

When my mother died, I helped my father with all the funeral arrangements and had him over for meals etc, although I was 7 months pregnant and working 15 hour days to make up for the time I had taken off for work.

Now, 5 months on, I have a gorgeous second child, but my Dad barely visits and certainly offers no help with the kiddies. When I asked him to babysit big brother so I could get baby to a hospital appointment, he said that my grandmother had given herself a stroke caring for my cousin and he wasn't going to do the same thing. They were my kids and my responsibiity

He is constantly off travelling and talking about his grand plans to buy a flat, or a car "for a bit of fun".

He never asks how the kids or I are and regularly tells me how useless my husband is in his opinion. He keeps telling me I should buy a new car or get the kitchen done, things I just can't afford.

I don't expect him to do regular childcare or to offer financial support, and I don't regret supporting him and my Mum, and he has no empathy with the fact that time and money are tight in our household, in part due to the fact that moving here to be near them has cost us a lot and moved us away from the support of hubby's side of the family.

I'd just like to have him take an interest or empathise with some of the difficulties of being a working mum with a new baby.

well, he's being a bit of an arse in not being overly interested in you and the gcs and in not recognising the sacrifices your family has made, BUT he has just spent 10 years of his life caring for someone who was very ill. I'm not surprised that he wants to kick his heels and remind himself of the pleasures to be had in life. I'm pretty sure that in due course he'll pitch in - I think YABa little bit U

I'm afraid I would simply move back to be close to your husband's family. It doesn't sound as thought he needs you there.

Have you voiced your opinions on all of this?

Sometimes having parents can be like having children. This one sounds like he wants independence from family, like a teenager.

I think maybe you should could let him have that and try not to stress about it. You have done a great job for him and your mother and it would be nice to see some appreciation of that but sounds like you will just have to know in yourself that you did the right things and have no regrets.

I think you could try to reorient your life not factoring him in so much. Build more of a life in this area with friends. And pull him up when is is rude about your husband or goes on about spendng money - he is probably trying to justify his own behaviour, even if subconsciously.

Yabu. Love is not conditional

No, I haven't said anything to him outright, pretty much for the reasons that DrivingMissCrazy has said - I know he's been through a lot and don't want to pick a fight as we are the only two members of the family left.

I have told him money is tight to try to get him to stop embarrassing us by suggesting we need to buy things in front of my 3 year old, but all I then get is a lecture about how we shouln't have had kids if we can't afford them. We can afford them, just can't afford them and a brand new car and new carpets and everything else he feels we need to buy to make us good parents.

As to moving back, I'd love to but its easier said than done - we knew Mum was terminally ill but thought she had several years to live and wanted to be there for that and to support my Dad after so have relocated our lives, buying a house and taking local jobs.

I do think his negativity towards your family is a bit much though - do you think he resents the fact that your attention is now (of course) focussed on your young family and not on his situation? It sounds like there must be something behind that attitude

Your dad has been bereaved of his life-long partner for whom he has been caring for 10 years. Have some kindness for him.

While you've been having nooky and fun and games with your dh/p, his family, etc, your poor dad has coped day in and day out with watching his wife sicken and die.

You chose to move. You chose to pop in a bit. Let the guy have some fun now. God knows he deserves it.

his lifelong partner died 5 months ago and you think he i sbeing unreasonable? wow.

Thank you all for your responses and views. I value all of them.

Jux, I really don't mean to sound angry with you - I know it sounds a bit like that so I'm saying it first, I'm angry with the situation, and did find your comments helpful.

He has lost his wife and did care for her full time BUT in that time a lot of shit happened in my life that I, for obvious reasons didn't bother them with. I've miscarried, had my husband out of work for two years and suffering depression and lost my mother. I nearly lost my daughter because of the fact I was doing a long commute to be near them and working long hours and nursing my mother to give him respite.

I chose to do that, I'd do it all again.

I just don't appreciate the negative comments or the fact that we are the only family we each have left biologically and he doesn't want to really know who I am or what I am doing or spend any quality time