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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think her feedback was somewhat smug?

58 replies

Psammead · 21/07/2010 14:03

I just finished a course today with DD (6 months) and 6 other babies, all of whom were born January/February this year. I enjoyed the course and it was nice to meet other mums with similarly aged babies. When the course started, the leader said that although it officially starts at 9am, the first 15 mins are really just to arrive, settle down etc, so not to feel stressed out to get there on the dot.

At the end, the course leader asked us for any feedback, positive or negative. Most people had positives and the most common negative was that the course time was too early. For example, I always had to wake DD to get there on time and only made it for exactly 9am about half the time. Once I got there really late due to a specific incident which I explained and apologised about.

When one particular mum's turn came, her negative comment was that she always made it on time every single week and it was really frustrating that the rest of us found it hard to be punctual. She said that she also had to wake her DD to get there but that she just organised her time a bit better. Bear in mind that this course started when the babies were 3 months old or thereabouts.

AIBU to think that she was being unbearably smug about it? Ho-bloody-rah for her that she is so organised. Some people just find it a little harder with a small baby to be on time for things. It's put a dampner on my day and I don't know why - I wish she'd said something earlier so we could have discussed it. Now she's said it right at the end and I feel like it's been left hanging. No idea why I am letting it bug me.

OP posts:

FindingMyMojo · 21/07/2010 14:44

I used to be quite punctual - since I've had DD I'm very rarely on time.

I think the lady was upset because you forgot to give her a sticker for "always being on time".

OP I'd let it go - the punctual participant didn't set the kick off time, the course leader did & the course leader said the first 15 minutes were 'graceful' if you like. So the moaner is just moaning for the sake of it - what she probably really wanted to say was "Look I know we are all in the same boat but I got here on time EVERY WEEK!!! Therefore I WIN!" maybe she even wanted to say "Therefore I am a BETTER MOTHER than you!". She is possibly miserable in other areas of her life and looking to score some moral boosting brownie points for herself? Who knows? The mind of the always punctual mother is a mystery to me. Possibly she is just an annoying person.

Original poster

Psammead · 21/07/2010 15:02

I am glad some people agree!

The course was in no way affected by people's lateness - it carried on regardless so it's not like she lost any course time because of it.

Maybe she never heard the course leader when she said that the course would actually start at 9:15 and the doors would be open at 9 for us to get ready etc. Maybe she was under the impression that it ought to actually start at 9 on the nose, in which case I can see her frustration at 'losing' 15 mins each week. But the leader was really quite clear on it, so I am not sure how she missed it.

OP posts:

Deliaskis · 21/07/2010 15:35

I think it was probably unhelpful for the course leader to say 'starts at 9 but not really until 9.15' as this inevitably means people understand different things about the start time. It would be better to say course starts at 9.15 but feel free to arrive any time after 9 to get settled etc.

So really, the feedback should have been more directed to the course leader in the sense of 'it would have been helpful to be clearer about start times as I was never sure whether it was really meant to be 9 or 9.15'.

Rude of other Mum to mention it in this way IMO.

MrsC2010 · 21/07/2010 15:37

I can understand her gripe, but surely the feedback is meant to be how to improve the course? Not feedback for the other mothers on how their behaviour grates?!

thumbwitch · 21/07/2010 15:47

Yes I think it was smug - the bit about her getting frustrated because she was always there early/on time = fair enough; but her suggesting that she is just much better organised than all the rest of you poor saps is smuggery.

Let it go. I doubt it was directed at you, which is probably why you are feeling a bit shit about it - you've taken it as a personal criticism and it isn't.

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/07/2010 16:27

So the course was basically a load of mothers sat on the floor massaging their babies.

Sounds like it wouldn't have been affected by people coming in late whatsoever.

sapphireblue · 21/07/2010 16:34

Unfortunately I am an orgainised one and am always early everywhere (although this is aided by DD1 being up at 5.30 every day!!). I totally recognise that everyone is different though and would never comment about anyone else arriving later than me! It's a social event FFS not work......does she think the late commers should be handed a detention!?

Original poster

Psammead · 21/07/2010 16:48

sapphireblue she is actually a teacher! I hope it didn't go on my record of achievement.

GetOrfMoiLand yes - with a bit of singing thrown in now and then, and some 'sharing' about our week, which was always at the end of the class.

OP posts:

littleshinyone · 21/07/2010 18:51

I've got a 3 month old, and have gone from someone who was always on time, to someone who sometimes is, sometimes isn't, and sometimes makes it early, so that the next feed can be at the destination, rather than make me late!

She doesn't sound like a particularly chilled out mum- and that's up to her, but she'll be getting herself in a state if she lets it get to her that much that she actually feels the need to comment.

I'd try and rise above it, know that you are a mum, so your child comes before organisation, and feel smug that everyone else in the room would have thought she was being a toss-pot too.

also, well done for EVER making a 9 o'clock on time!!

carriedababi · 21/07/2010 18:58

yabu for waking a 3 month old baby up for a course!

but thats your prerogative

Conundrumish · 21/07/2010 18:59

'When one particular mum's turn came, her negative comment was that she always made it on time every single week' - she's going to be popular among the other mums. Poor kid.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 21/07/2010 19:01

Bloody hell - both of you had to wake your babies to get there on time?

I am v jealous

< babies woke at sparrows fart for years and years >

Jamieandhismagictorch · 21/07/2010 19:02

I agree with MrsC2010

NormalityBites · 21/07/2010 19:34

If I committed to a 9am start I'd get there for 9am barring some terrible emergency.

What is it about tiny, portable, sleepy babies that makes punctuality difficult?

She was being U for phrasing it the way she did, I agree with you - but can't think why a baby would make you late.

Original poster

Psammead · 21/07/2010 21:12

Well, it wasn't the baby who made me late actually. For fairness the the other mum, I didn't include it in my OP because there was no way she could have known it, but whenever I was late it was because of the bus. Where we live the most buses are run by a small private company and they sometimes don't have any wheelchair or pushchair access. So about half the time I would have to wait for the next bus, making me about 10 mins later than planned.

Really though, that's besides the point. It's really none of her business to know that. The point is that I was late only once, properly, and that was due to something totally unforeseen. The rest of the time I turned up between 8:55 and 9:10, as was acceptable, but she seemed to feel it was important to point out that she managed to be punctual every week and that the rest of us had somehow interfered with her enjoyment of the course by being 'late' (i.e. arriving in the later part of the 15 mins arrival time).

OP posts:

5DollarShake · 21/07/2010 21:26

NormalityBites - what if they've had a bumpy night and so you let them sleep a bit longer, and then the breastfeed takes longer than normal? That seems like a pretty typical scenario for a 3-month old, I'd have thought...

Original poster

Psammead · 21/07/2010 21:35

Well yes - you really never know another person's situation, especially with a small baby. Luckily for us, DD is very easy to look after so apart from feeling horrible for having to wake her up each time, that aspect of it wasn't problematic for us. Could have been for the other late-coming mum - I never asked, always assumed it was something like that though.

It's just silly though, isn't it? A relaxed class meant for mothers to get to know each other, learn some nice things to do with their babies etc, and someone was apparently taking note of how punctual we were!

OP posts:

confuddledDOTcom · 21/07/2010 21:56

Question for you... is this woman your next door neighbour and catches the same bus?

BettyisNOTBlu · 21/07/2010 22:05

It's her feedback - her reality, that's all. It obviously disturbed her to have people arriving after the 'official' start time of 9am. Presumably that feedback would also contribute to the course organisers having a reason starting the class later, eg some people would find it easier to turn up on time, and others would be less annoyed by latecomers.

Original poster

Psammead · 22/07/2010 07:59

confuddledDOTcom No! She lives in a different town and drives

OP posts:

confuddledDOTcom · 22/07/2010 10:44

Well there you go. She is not in the same situation as you, she has no idea what you go through in the morning. Even if she was your next door neighbour and caught the same bus she still has a different baby and partner to you!

NormalityBites · 22/07/2010 10:54

I have never used a pushchair so never had trouble getting on a bus. ALL nights were bumpy at 3mo and days and nights so interchangeable it made no difference where I had to be for when, I'd just bundle up sleeping baby and head out, and feed as and when.

I had much much more trouble/reason to be late at 2 and 3 years old. But even then I'd pretend I had to be somewhere 30 mins before I did and then I'd always be there on time. I am a bit anal about it though - comes from having an always late mother and suffering the constant embarrassment of being late for school/clubs/classes/meeting friends when it was out of my control!

misdee · 22/07/2010 10:59

not read it all, but i get very anxious if i am running late or other people are.

5DollarShake · 22/07/2010 11:02

I can well imagine a super-organised teacher-type Mum, on a Gina Ford-esque routine, with a baby who sleeps well and predictably and who bottle feeds her baby (and so knows exactly how long feeds will take), and who drives will have no problem getting there on time. Even a Mum who just does some of these things probably will.

Not everyone has such a predictable set-up so I really don't think it's so inconceivable that even with the best will in the world, some Mums may be a tiny bit 'late' (and not even, considering there was 15 minutes' grace) for the session.

Original poster

Psammead · 22/07/2010 11:39

Ooh, hijacking my own thread here, but NormalityBites do/did you use a sling on the bus? I did that once but it made me feel so nervous. I had this picture in my head of the bus crashing and DD being squashed against the seat in front . I couldn't get off the bus fast enough. I know that's really silly. I've never seen someone else with a sling on the bus, so I just assumed it 'wasn't done'. Would love some reassurance as it would make my life easier.

OP posts:

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