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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please talk some sense into me! Should I take ds to meet my dad?

19 replies

Marjee · 21/07/2010 02:50

I've posted here about my dad before. Long story short is my parents divorced when I was in my early teens and contact with my dad gradually tailed off despite us living in the same (very small) town. I've really tried hard to maintain contact with him but hes a very selfish man, only cares about money, drink and women (and himself). He goes through occasional phases where he becomes almost a "proper dad" but then he loses interest and I don't hear from him for months. The last "phase" was shortly before I fell pregnant with ds who is now 8mo. He remembered my birthday for the first time in over 10 years, called me just to chat, seemed to genuinely care then it suddenly stopped. My db called him to tell him when ds was born (his first grandchild) and he didn't even bother to call me . I called him a few months ago and got the usual empty promises, he'd call and come to visit etc but he still hasn't met my ds.

I'm going to visit some friends near where he lives in a few days (we now live 200 miles away) and I'm really thinking about going to visit him so he finally meets ds but if I do it really will be his final chance. Dh thinks I'm crazy to even consider it and says he doesn't want to see me upset when he lets me down again.

So I guess its more of a wwyd? I'm scared of being rejected again and angry that so far hes completely ignored ds' existance but if I don't go I'll always wonder if I might have been able to change the situation.

OP posts:

asbolutelyfabulous · 21/07/2010 03:00

Can you call your dad and tell him that you'll be visiting friends in his town, and that if he'd like to see you and your DS to give you a call that morning? That way you've given him the option, and if he lets you down again you can honestly say you tried and wash the guilt away with your next shower.

It's a crap situation, of course, (I have a brother who I've fallen out with, who refuses to acknowledge that my 8 month old DD even exists)but there has to come a time when you say 'fuck it' and just get on with nurturing your wonderful family.

14hourstillbedtime · 21/07/2010 04:53

My dad is brain damaged we still make every effort to go and see him. He knows who we are/who DS and DD are (it's frontal temporal lobe damage... affects his emotional states though he is still mentally lucid). Despite not feeling it as a child, I'm really glad my mum made us go visit him... it's important.. to him, to us, to the DC, to know that sometimes you have to 'do the right thing'.

Go visit your Dad. Not too often - just sometimes. He will (even if he doesn't say so) appreciate it, and you will know, in your heart of hearts, you've given it your best shot.

Feel for you. Been there.

Original poster

Marjee · 21/07/2010 10:41

Thanks for replies. I think I probably will go and see him, just need to psyche myself up first! I don't think calling him first will work, his wife will probably go crazy and stop him coming to meet me (she hates me for some reason). I may have to just bite the bullet and turn up

OP posts:

iamamug · 21/07/2010 12:05

Do go and see him - I had similar experience and found it very hard to bond with my dad when I made contact as an adult - he left when we were little and my mum didn't allow access - very long story and very sad - will always miss what I never had. Made peace as an adult and he met my kids and was thrilled that he did. He wasn't a great dad but he wasn't a monster either and I was able to say goodbye to him when he was dying in hospital thanks to his wonderful wife who never discouraged contact.
You will know that you have done the right thing - Good luck.

Original poster

Marjee · 21/07/2010 12:32

I understand what you are all saying and I would really love to have a relationship with him for myself and ds but I still feel so angry with him! My mother never stopped him having contact with us and I have practically chased him in the past but hes so flippant about us like he doesn't care if he speaks to me or not and it hurts so much

OP posts:

Chil1234 · 21/07/2010 12:40

Unfortuately parents are parents. What you've got there is a 'proper dad'... just happens not to fit the Enid Blyton model. You may never have the kind of idealised relationship you want because your dad is the kind of man he is and your expectations are unrealistic. So, if it is important to you to retain contact, then you have to accept him warts and all and also accept that it's going to be you doing all the running. Then he is not 'letting you down' because you are the one setting the agenda. Being angry fixes nothing.

BubsMaw · 21/07/2010 12:54

I'm reading with interest, my gut instinct is to say leave him be, it's his loss and you've got your own life now which is probably better than his, you have your lovely DC while he is just getting older. However other posters above are probably approaching this from a more mature/wholesome standpoint in advising you to do the right thing.

My Dad left us when I was a toddler, he had no involvement in our childhoods at all. Now that I'm an adult he's been trying to make contact. I wish he would just disappear.

ginnny · 21/07/2010 12:58

Visit him.
My dad was like this and I didn't see him very often, we fell out and I didn't see him for over a year before he died.
Now I wish I'd made more of an effort, I still feel guilty about avoiding contact for so long and the way I used to feel towards him (he was a complete shit to me too, but the guilt is still there )
Go without expectations, just show your face and introduce your ds and take it from there.

Chil1234 · 21/07/2010 13:02

@Bubsmaw... yours is a different situation because the motivation is coming from the parent and not you. The question to ask yourself is 'if he dropped dead tomorrow would I feel a shred of regret or an ounce of curiosity?' And if the answer is a genuine 'no' then you ignore the contact, get on with your life and - as you say - it's his loss. If the answer is 'yes' then, like the OP, you could manage contact on your terms and potentially come out of the experience stronger.

GeekOfTheWeek · 21/07/2010 13:48

Chil talks sense.

My bio dad is an arse. I have no contact and suspect I will feel nothing when he dies. Arse.

Original poster

Marjee · 21/07/2010 15:33

Thanks for the advice ladies, I will take ds to visit him. As Chil says if I expect nothing he can't disappoint me. At least when he dies I can tell ds that he did meet his granddad.

I won't have internet access for a few days but I will update you when I get back xx

OP posts:

14hourstillbedtime · 22/07/2010 04:18

Well done, you! Even if it's awful (and it might be) remember that you're doing the right thing and you, at least, will feel better for it.

Update us all when you get back!

BubsMaw · 22/07/2010 23:03

All the best Marjee! I hope it goes well for you. Your OP has really got me thinking my situation over, and over again. I'm pretty sure you're doing the right thing.

Chil does talk sense. I guess I am angry about my past, and I know it fixes nothing, I can't seem to stop it though. I admire you for your approach. Good luck!

Original poster

Marjee · 28/07/2010 19:12

Update!

I went to see him, it was strange not sure how I feel about it really! He seemed pleased to meet ds and gave the usual promises, he'd call and come to visit etc . We only stayed about 20 mins and the whole time it was awkward, neither of us knew what to say so I made my excuses and left. His wife completely ignored us, I'm not sure what her problem is but she took issue with me 3 years ago and hasn't spoken to me since! I'll probably never see him again but at least I tried.

Thanks for the advice and support everyone. Bubsmaw I hope you come to a decision soon

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 28/07/2010 19:16

Marjee - well, as you say, he can't say you didn't try and you have taken your DS to see him. Did you take any photos of them together??

God knows what his wifes problem is - but that's exactly what it is - her problem.

Did you enjoy the rest of your trip??

Original poster

Marjee · 28/07/2010 19:40

The rest of the trip was great, caught up with lots of old friends and ds got spoiled rotten.

I didn't take any pictures of them, I had my camera but the atmosphere was weird and it didn't seem appropriate somehow. As petty as it sounds his wifes got really fat since I last saw her so thats some consolation!

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 28/07/2010 20:09

Marjee

Glad you enjoyed the trip.

I understand what you mean about the photos. It will be interesting to see if you hear from him at all now you have DS and he's seen him. At least you know well enough not to be holding your breath.

We all some get consolation from petty things at times - yeah, it's not big and it's not clever - but it's human nature. I am sure there are plenty of people getting some kind of consolation, pleasure out of how much weight I've put on - but hey, ho, it's all swings and roundabouts!

Chil1234 · 28/07/2010 20:29

Sounds like you handled the situation well. Short visits are always good! Your is right because on past experience he won't stay in touch or call.. but you could organise a visit pre-Xmas. Six months sounds like a decent interval. If you keep it on your terms (and ignore the silly wife person) then you're staying in contact, not being disappointed at empty promises, and you might even think of something to talk about next time.

Original poster

Marjee · 31/07/2010 11:06

Well hes just called me! I really wasn't expecting to hear from him. He asked me to send him some pictures of ds so we'll see what happens.

He also said he wants to come to visit next week - I won't hold my breath on that one but at least he bothered to call!

OP posts:

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