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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious that my dp has just announced he's working 7 days after my c-section tomorrow!

23 replies

duejuly2010 · 21/07/2010 01:27

I'm having a c-section on Thursday and my dp announced today that on the following Thursday he's going to an auction.

Basically this will be all day, leaving me 7 days post surgery with the new baby and 2 dd's (7 and 9). This is voluntary because he works for himself and could give it a miss if he wants.

When I protested as soon as he said it tonight I got things like 'well you don't expect me to be chained to the house waiting on you hand and foot for two weeks do you!?'...

My opinion is that actually I have been carrying this baby for the past 9 months and will be doing the breastfeeding/sleepless nights bit for the next god knows how long so YES I do expect a bit more that a week out of his schedule and a bit of 'waiting on hand and foot' for a while.

There's no question over him going to this auction next week as far as he's concerned and I'm pissed off with his attitude towards it all. AIBU?

OP posts:
Tortington · 21/07/2010 01:31

the 7 & 9 year old can look after themselves and help you out regarding fetching and carrying.

if he's working one day here and there, i don't think it's a big deal tbh.

i realise a c-section is a big deal - i do. but i think you could manage for a day

Original poster
duejuly2010 · 21/07/2010 01:44

I feel gutted that to him there's no question about him going. I realise that I may be fine without another adult around, but I'm also a bit scared to be facing it so soon after I leave hospital. I can't help but feel it's selfish of him to not just leave the option open and see how things are. It's his 'well I'm doing it no matter what you think' attitude that leaves me totally deflated the day before I have a baby.

OP posts:
thursday · 21/07/2010 01:48

i'd be disappointed if it was purely optional and he could easily stay home when i didnt want him to go. i'd be tempted to say lets see how i am on thursday, if all good you go, if not, dont. i may be coloured by my own experiences where my husband has been back at work once before i was even out of hospital, and once the day after i came home after a section....neither time through our choice, but i hated it. i came home 7 days post section so about the same.

thursday · 21/07/2010 01:50

yes, i think is perfectly reasonable to be upset its a 'regardless what you think' stance. chained to the house waiting on you? wowzers.

Original poster
duejuly2010 · 21/07/2010 01:57

It is purely optional, and I'm not really sure after his attitude tonight what he is 'prepared' to do when I get home.

I've cooked meals for the freezer in advance to make things easier for everyone and was fairly confident I'd get a bit of tlc for a week or two. But now I feel quite worried about coming home and I'm annoyed he's made me feel like that. Hence being up at 2am

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 21/07/2010 02:03

His behaiour is knobbish (does it have a k?) in the extreme imo..and yes you could probably deal with it 'blah blah blah' but thats not the point is it?..

thumbwitch · 21/07/2010 05:08

Selfish sod. Oh, so he has a problem being stuck in the house, does he? How about you?
7 days post-CS and you might not be up to even walking about by yourself (or you might); you might get an infection ot all sorts! But how dare you incovenience him in that way?

His attitude sucks. Let's hope you never get really ill, hey.

tadjennyp · 21/07/2010 06:07

He was being really thoughtless with his comment but I wonder whether there is a bit more to his behaviour. Is he a bit scared of having 3dcs and all the hard work that entails? Is he a bit crap at the newborn phase as he feels left out when you do all the feeding? I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour the day before you give birth as he should be 100% behind you. Anyway, I wish you loads of luck for tomorrow and enjoy your new little one!

prozacfairy · 21/07/2010 06:15

YANBU but tbh I'd be more pissed off and upset at his attitude. "I'm not going to be chained to the house waiting on you hand and foot", than him going to this auction and leaving me high and dry. You haven't got a cold you've had a major operation, resulting in a newborn baby!

Can anyone else come help you should you need it? I'm sure your girls will help you but a bit of extra support might be useful.

BaggedandTagged · 21/07/2010 06:37

Have you had a c-section before? I think a lot of men dont realise that it is major surgery because it is talked about pretty casually these days- and is a lifestyle choice for many. They think you just get a zip put in or something.......

Also, when you work for yourself, any work is "optional" in the sense that no-one's making you do it apart from you, but at the same time there's more pressure on you because you dont get paid paternity leave etc. Could he be stressing about money with another child imminent (I know DH has suddenly got very into "we need to work out where all the money's going" with our new arrival coming).

Of course, he might just be being selfish, but thought I'd throw a couple of other possibilities out there.

Littlepurpleprincess · 21/07/2010 08:49

'well you don't expect me to be chained to the house waiting on you hand and foot for two weeks do you!?'...

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mamatomany · 21/07/2010 08:54

Mine was at work the afternoon after I had DS leaving me with 4 children, you'll be fine with the ages of the older two.

mamatomany · 21/07/2010 08:56

Have you had a CSection before I just ask because my cousin was at her 30th birthday party, dancing 7 days after hers, I thought she'd still be in bed !

Doodleydoo · 21/07/2010 08:58

I had a similar conversation at the weekend, with my dh - something along the lines of him suggesting he takes one weeks holiday after the birth of dc 2 in 3-4 weeks. Fine possibly if I don't have a c-section, not so fine if I do (we live in the back of beyond, no public transport - no neighbours, etc!) and this is all because of paternity pay etc which I do understand but if he does that we may have to pay someone to come in and help out so would there really be a cost saving? (I am sure I could cope but as we don't know yet if a c-section then I am obviously quite concerned at his attitude!!!)

So I sympathise, I don't know what to say apart from Bloody Men!

cory · 21/07/2010 09:05

It's the attitude that stinks. Our dcs were born before paternity leave, so dh didn't have a lot of choice in the matter. But I wouldn't think a lot of a man who was so thoughtless/scared of coping/whatever that he would pass comments like that.

upahill · 21/07/2010 09:08

Blimey due calm dowm.
You are talking about a week after the event. Things can change a lot in that time. You may be reasonably Ok and it's not a problem or you may be struggling and he can see that then and can change plans.

Dh was unable to take one day off when I had DS1 because he was self employed and the buisness was in dire straits and he had to keep battling for financial survival. (We failed in the end

Also it's not like you have two other babies.Your daughters are 7 and 9. They are old enough to make you a cup of tea and help out.
It's not like he is going to missing for days is it?

His response was insenisitve though!

FakePlasticTrees · 21/07/2010 09:14

have you pointed out if you have an complications, you might still be in hospital 7 days after a c-section? I know woman who were unable to walk for over a week post c section, you really need someone else there to do stuff like lift the baby to you etc.

Could your mum or MIL come to stay for a few days?

Maryqueenofchocs · 21/07/2010 09:17

due, I sympathise, having a c section can go swimmingly and you'll be up and about in a couple of days, or not and be laid up for a week. You just don't know till you get there.

If it was me, i'd organise a friend/parent to be over the day he wants to go out. Make a contingency.

I would also tell him how unreasonable he's being and the last thing you need to think about at the moment is flippin child care arrangements for him.

tbh, shelve it, see how you are afterwards...things may all change when the little one has arrived.

Good Luck tomorrow!!

sunshiney · 21/07/2010 09:20

You will most probably cope fine. But I don't blame you for being upset by his attitude.

Original poster
duejuly2010 · 21/07/2010 15:59

Thanks for the responses. I've calmed down a bit today but am still pretty pissed at his attitude, which I guess is what it's about.

I am freaking about tomorrow too and just want him to to be nice about it and say something like 'I'll be there for you if you think you'll need me' and give me a hug not make out like I'm some big inconvenience he won't go out of his way for. Bloody men.

OP posts:
upahill · 22/07/2010 11:20

I've only just got back to this post and noticed the date.

Good Luck due!! (You will need a new name soon!)
Let us knkow how you get on

(and tell us if he went to the auction or not!)

Animation · 22/07/2010 11:27

Damned right!! you expect him there helping out 100% for 2 weeks.

He better be there!!

All the best for today.

Dropdeadfred · 22/07/2010 11:44

I think you'll be okay a week after. I think they let you go home afer 48 hrs now and you can do most stuff, just not heavy lifing or hoovering.

I woould be more worried about his attitude though...is he always like this? is he looking forward to the baby arriving?

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