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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take him to court?

30 replies

splashy · 21/07/2010 00:09

I am separated from my husband with whom I am expecting a baby. He was angry I wouldn't have an abortion and it came to a case of him or the baby. I originally wanted to divorce him as amicably as possible without going to court, in order to avoid the stress/cost to both of us.

I spoke to him about separating finances etc and he has demanded I pay him in full for furniture and appliances which he bought while we were married for our home, including the full original cost of gifts his father gave us, despite both of us using them during our marriage and them being worth a lot less now. He also said he wants to keep keys to our home, keep his belongings here, but wants me to pay the full mortgage, despite both our names being on it. Also he calculated the minimum he is obliged to pay for our child, but I know he didn't take into account his (quite significant) income from overtime.

I feel like he is being really unreasonable with his demands, and this would leave me in considerable debt, and struggling to afford accomodation and the basic needs of my baby when she does come. Would I be right in taking him to court to try to get a better deal? I'm a student so would get legal aid (I think), however it's still something I'm reluctant to do as I feel it's sad to have to take things this far. However I feel like I need to be able to secure a future for my child, and I'm unsure how involved he will be in this child's life seeing as he still makes it clear he wishes I aborted this baby.

OP posts:
IWriteLikeCoryDoctorow · 21/07/2010 00:16

you need proper advice asap

tweetymum · 21/07/2010 00:19

Oh God, YANBU and yes you need to get it sorted by a court ASAP!!

Ronaldinhio · 21/07/2010 00:19

being informed does not mean that you are not willing to be amicable
as this pertains to your and your child's future get decent advice and act upon it asap

Alambil · 21/07/2010 00:19

get to the citizen's advice pronto.

sign nothing.

agree to nothing.

get advice.

SugarMousePink · 21/07/2010 00:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fruitysunshine · 21/07/2010 00:26

Get advice and agree to nothing until you have done that.

All marital property is seen as community property at the time of separation so it belongs to you as much as him. Likewise you are both still responsible for the mortgage if it is joint until such times as somebody's name comes off it. I am not giving you advice at all just a little heads up of why you should not be agreeing to any of his demands until you have had proper legal advice.

Tip: Get as many original documents as possible; bank, mortgage, savings, shares, utility bills, marriage certificate, payslips (or copies of).

Gives him smaller chance of pulling the wool over the court's eyes in relation to finances. Don't tell him you are doing this because he will then want it all from you.

Money talks with him now and you have to learn the language if you are going to get out the other side.

Good luck.

Vallhala · 21/07/2010 00:29

Ditto. And AFAIK, you are not soley responsible for the mortgage per se. You are jointly and severally responsible for it and if his name is upon it, he has as much obligation as you.

DON'T talk to him, agree to anything, sign anything or put anything in writing without legal advice.

solo · 21/07/2010 00:45

This happened to me too 20 years ago and even with a solicitor acting for me, I ended up buying back the majority of the household items that 'we' had bought together. It's pants. My exh did not pay his half of the mortgage and I couldn't afford to pay more than half...it makes you very bitter.

Please get proper advice and help with this.

Good luck.

SugarMousePink · 21/07/2010 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

porcamiseria · 21/07/2010 09:48

listen, GET A LAWYER, throw some money at this. dont even try and figure this out yourself

he is BU

addictedishavingagirl · 21/07/2010 09:53

you need proper advice and to take this to court, if not for anyother reason do it for the future of your baby. she will need things that he will need to help pay for and he needs to pay his way in other areas too.
you were/still are married, everything you bought was bought together and everything you were given was given to both of you, even if it did come from his father.

please please get some propper legal advice before you agree to anything.

he is being SO unreasonable

GiddyPickle · 21/07/2010 09:54

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 21/07/2010 09:57

Get a good lawyer, one who specialises in family law. Don't agree to anything until you have seen a lawyer. You can't have an 'amicable' divorce with a man who has decided that he is entitled to punish you for disobeying him so don't even try.
Oh and make sure you have RL support around you, this man thinks that his wishes override yours and he is going to keep trying to bully you.

teaandcakeplease · 21/07/2010 10:04

Go to citizens advice, you'll be surprised at all the financial help available for you and the baby at this difficult time. They will let you know how to go about claiming everything. They'll also discuss your rights too in regards to the property and contents.

Speak to the mortgage company too and ensure they're aware you're separated. You don't want him calling them and trying to arrange anything without your knowledge. You should have to sign anything agreed but he may try and forge your signature if he's devious/ angry enough.

Yes see a lawyer too asap and you may have to consider moving somewhere safer or changing the locks? May be worth speaking to womens aid too.

Maybe some people have mentioned these already as I skimmed the thread and read your OP.

My mum's first child was unwanted by the dad, my mum went on to have him, find my dad and marry and have 4 more children and I can honestly say my eldest brother is wonderful and I wouldn't be without him. So sorry this is happening to you

jaebird · 21/07/2010 10:10

Try www.resolution.org.uk to find a good Family lawyer in your area.

You are also right to focus on the big things - the house and maintenance for your baby. Ignore, ignore, ignore any demands about furniture. Family Court judges usually hate dealing with it because it's petty, and your husband will soon get bored of arguing about contents with a resale value of ~£1,000 when he realises he's paying £200 an hour to do it.

Tryharder · 21/07/2010 10:15

He knows you are feeling vulnerable, want to avoid the courts and so is trying to bully you into settling for something completely unreasonable. He sounds lovely

So he wants you to pay the mortgage, but yet he keep keys, can come and go as he pleases and presumably keeps his names on the docs and thus keep his share of any equity. And you have to reimburse him for every fucking teaspoon he bought when you were together. And only pay you a piddly amount of maintenance for a child you conceived together while you were married.

Nah.

Get a solicitor now. I'm not a believer in taking every penny or fleecing someone but you and your baby need a roof over your head and he needs to man up and take proper responsibility.

2kids2dogsandahorse · 21/07/2010 13:05

Please see a proper solicitor not CAB I went to them and was given absolutely rubbish and incorrect advice. I'm not saying CAB are like that everywhere but right now you cannot afford to take the risk.

And he's taking the piss. Royally taking the piss. Big time.

pranma · 21/07/2010 13:10

change the locks and see a solicitor asap

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 21/07/2010 13:26

Don't change the locks, you'll just have to give him the new key anyway. Do see a solicitor and get proper advise, as everyone here is saying.

addictedishavingagirl · 21/07/2010 13:35

changing the locks wont help you, his name is still on the morgage so he is entitled to live there too

dont change the locks

Original poster
splashy · 21/07/2010 15:11

I wasn't going to change the locks anyway because of the type of door we have it would probably need to replace the whole door and frame and I just don't have the money for that.

Thank you for all the advice. I really didn't see how unreasonable he was being and I think he was just taking advantage of my reluctance to take things the legal route. Guess I needed an outside perspective to see that.

OP posts:
Original poster
splashy · 21/07/2010 15:13

Didn't finish typing.

Again do really appreciate all the advice/support, please keep it coming.

Will get some legal advice and decide how to proceed. Still have a reasonable relationship with my FIL so don't want to ruin that if possible, but he should be able to see his son is being unreasonable.

OP posts:
pranma · 21/07/2010 17:58

Sorry I was stupid about the locks-I just felt so cross that he felt he should be able to come and go as he pleased.

addictedishavingagirl · 21/07/2010 18:04

i agree pranma, he shouldnt be allowed to do it. but the law is on his side its just a case of playing the long game to get what you want at the end

SugarMousePink · 21/07/2010 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.