Headstones - Strange or Not Strange

[Bathsheba]

Bit of family chronology..

DH's dad died in 1984 when Dh was 14.

DH's Mum was then in a long term relationship and finally (after living together for at least 10 years), she and her DP were married about 12 years ago.

About 18 months ago MIL's 2nd H died.

They live in a very small, rural village community.

Now, my Dh was very very affected by his Dad's death. In the time I've known him (12.5 years) he has never visited his Dad's grave. I on the other hand, have done a couple of times - to show my DD's etc. I've left flowers a few times, but I've never gont with DH. (The graveyard is about 30 mkiles from our house).

I was there yesterday, first time since MIL's 2nd H had died - thought I'd tkae DD2 and my new baby (its weird, there isn;t really a reason but I feel its important)....so I was looking for MIL's 2n'd husband's grave. Found one with his name on it, but that was his dad's...

Anyway, we went to DH's dad's grave and, at the bottom of Dh's Dad's headstone was "Also MIL's 2nd husband, a beloved husband, father and grandfather"....so MIL's 2 husbands are buried in the same plot and opn the same headstone...

I'm prepared to be wrong in this one but I do think thats a bit weird..and more to the point, I'm fairly sure that my DH doesn't know that is the case (he adored his dad but had little time for her 2nd H).

There is space in the middle of the headstone, presumably for my MIL's name when she needs to be there too...

Siorry, typing is appalling, I'll blame the baby...

Also, this sentance

".so I was looking for MIL's 2n'd husband's grave. Found one with his name on it, but that was his dad's..." - I meant we found one with the 2nd husband's name on it but it was the 2nd husband's dad (and his mum, their family stone)..

We thought at that point that maybe MIL hadn't got round yet to getting her 2nd husband's name added to the family plot, or that there was some wrangling in 2nd H's family (its notorious for that), but then we found 2nd husband's name on Dh's Dad's stone.

Hmmm, my first reaction was to find it a little odd but actually I can see why your MIL did it. I guess it would have been better if she'd told family this was her plan BEFORE so if anyone was genuinely upset about it it could have been resolved then.

I hope your DH isn't too upset about it.

I find it very funny. When MiL goes there is going to be some sort of dead menage a trois!

I think you need to tell DH - it wouldn't be good to find this at then his mother has died.

Yes, strange but highly amusing when not own family

I think its kind of nice, she wants to buried with both of her husbands. I don't know, I don't really understand grave ettiquette, its just bones, its not the person. I don't see why he should be buried with his parents when he was her partner for so long. Seems unfair to demote him because he was 2nd.
Maybe as your dh has never been to the grave his mother assumed he wouldn't ever know or care about it?

surley your dh was at his stepdad's funreal and would know were he is buried

wow. unusual but obviously makes sense to your MIL, that she'll be buried with the two men she loved.

will it be your dh that deals with his mum's funeral and burial? if so it'll be him who has to sort the wording for the middle bit of the headstone eek. has he other siblings who know about this?

Unusual I think, but not weird.

Is there a reason you didn't attend the 2nd husband's burial, or discuss the arrangement with your MIL? It seems like your MIL really should have told your husband what was going to happen, or at least mentioned it by now.

Sorry, I knew my brain was mince today....

We did attend 2nd husband's funeral, but he was then cremated. We didn't attend the cremation (Dh at the time worked abroad and his flight meant he could go to the service and the lunch but not the crematorium), so 2nd husband isn't buried in the plot as such, he is memorialised on the headstone though.

That makes me wonder where the ashes are as well though.
We have just interred dh's grandmother's ashes in her family grave.
I do think that your dh should know about this though as if he does ever go to the grave he will get a shock when he sees that and it may cause family harm.

If she has paid for the plot and she will be buried alongside her first husband it stands to reason she's scattered her DH2 on there as well. I know a man buried between his two wives and i think it's quite nice actually.

We get too hung up over death and appropriateness in this country imo.

Hmmm... i'm going to have this kind of situation at some point too.

When we bought ds1's grave, we bought a five person plot as that was all that was left in the cemetary. When my husband died he was buried there, leaving three more spaces. Obviously i want to be buried there too, or cremated and my ashes interred there. Manshape has said that if i went first then he's like to be buried with me there afterwards. I can't see a problem, tbh - i'd be dead so wouldn't know...

Unusual doesn't have to mean strange.

I think you need to tell your DH what is said on the headstone though.

My Dad and stepdad are buried together,I never thought it might be weird before,tbh.

If the first husband died whilst they were still together and she then found a new partner and subsequently married him, then these were her two loves of her life, presumably?

It is unusual, granted, but nothing to be outraged over, hopefully, for your DH.... but I suspect he probably ought to know before, god forbid, his mother passes on. If he only finds out then when he comes to arrange her funeral etc, then it might all be a bit much to handle at once.

MIL's 2nd Dh has 5 children of his own, although by the end of his life he was only in a relationship with 1 of them. The rest live locally though.

DH is the younger of 2 siblings, but we are closer to his Mum than his DB is, and she is considering moving to be nearer us in the city rather than nearer to DBIL in the town nearest to her.

It does sound unusual.

I can see the dilemma. My mum died when I was small and i love my stepmum very much, but I
can't imagine her wanting to be buried with my
mum. Then again, I can't imagine which wife I would bury my dad with (if he died last. If he died before
my stepmum I can't see her putting him with my mum!

I agree that you should mention it to dh. It might 'restart' his grieving for his dad but from what you say that could be a good thing, really, if he has support. It's a terrible grief but worse if it's stalled/not dealt with. I wish him well.