to be terrified that anything I do will be used against me?

[MilkChocolateTeapot]

I've posted several times on the Chat board about having been referred to Social Services as a risk to DD.

On four occasions we've been told, verbally, that no further action was being taken against us. And on the first three of those occasions, this proved not to be true.

AIBU to be afraid now to ring up to ask what's happening or make a DPA request for notes or complain?

We've tried to complain about the voluntary sector support worker who (possibly maliciously, possibly incompetently) started the referral. We met with her manager to discuss our 'reservations' about the way it was handled. The manager seemed helpful, but then rang Social Services to 'pass on' everything I had told her. When I asked the manager why she'd so blatantly deceived us (she told us categorically that the meeting was purely to discuss the support worker) she said that she didn't think Social Services would continue the referral and thus that I would never have known what she'd done.

I want to get on the phone to the head of local Childrens Services, email all agencies involved and ask for all the records of all communication between them and complain about all of them.

AIBU to fear that it might be held against me? I'm terried of losing DD.

Just to clarify - we still don't know what's happening...

Anyone?

Sorry, no advice, but didn't want you to be alone... Maybe suggest a meeting with everyone involved to make sure you are all on the same page?

YANBU; I'm not surprised you're terrified.

Bump

The GP suggested a meeting with everyone there as a means of clearing our names completely. But a friend who has worked for SS cautions that such a meeting may give more grounds for suspicion/incomptence/misunderstanding, especially as there may be an element of malice in it from the instigant.

Any hostility/resentment you (totally justifiably) feel towards having to justify your treatment of your children might well be misinterpreted as being unwillingness to co-operate.

I would be terrified too. I would try to bottle up the anger at the woman and put it away for later, when you've gotten the all clear. Complaining about them is not likely to make them drop the referral. I'd contact them and ask them very nicely if there is anything you can do to address any concerns they might have? Would they like to arrange a home visit? etc. You've already seen what can happen if someone gets annoyed/the wrong end of the stick.

I've never had to deal with them but lived in fear of it as I was considered a high risk for PND. I am very bolshy and not shy to complain but when it comes to SS I am meek. I would bend over backwards to do whatever it took to make them go away.

Sorry to see you aren't getting much advice here. I've got no experience of this but it sounds really nightmarish and the thing a lot of parents fear ie that once you are in their system they will look for more and more reasons to keep you there.

Obviously you've got a right to ask what exactly is going on if you can do that calmly - the trouble is, as narkypuffin says, if you are (understandably) angry and anxious they might well take that as a sign that you need more of their help and are not fully responsible.

So even if you're not being U you need to concentrate on doing whatever's best for keeping your DD. Once you have got clear of them then you could complain about the way it was handled.

Good advice - thank you.

I'm not good at keeping calm or hiding my feelings, I admit. And when dealing with people who aren't prepared to understand the difference between justified terror/fury with the system and difficulty caring for my daughter - yes, I can see the problem with that.

I can address it to an extent by getting DH and others to deal with professionals over the phone. But how to stay calm when I'm sat in a room with people throwing lies at me? I failed my drama exams at school..

And social workers wonder why people don't trust them? They really aren't trustworthy. They are too underfunded, their frontline staff are under-trained, their protocols are not subtle enough to deal with each situation on it's own merits, and when you ask for transparency, they can say you are being obstructive, a risk to your children, and basically threaten to take your children to punish you for non-compliance. Then, when they have done so, if you try to go to the press you can be court ordered into silence, and taken to jail.

Once they are involved it's all about them, what they want. they have little interest in what your child actually needs, they just want to know that you are ticking all the boxes.

So .... tick those boxes. Play happy smiley "Lovely to have met you but I really can't think of anything we could need" meek and mild mummy. Give them what they want. give them anything they want.

I am not a 'bend over and take your reaming' type, you all know that, but all it takes is one idiot to start something, and nobody else has the balls to say "Actually, this family is fine" - just in case it will be their name on a report 2 years later as having missed something.

That sounds very wise. Given that they seem to relate to baby issues, in another six months, it seems as though the allegations (the nature of which I am still unclear) will probably be irrelevant.

But how I smile sweetly and appear compliant I don't know. I don't do valium and don't drink whilst breastfeeding!

I think I'll ring SS tomorrow and try and ask, politely, for written confirmation of what's happening.

I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but this sounds like such a scary situation and I really hope you can get this sorted.
jabb's advice sounds pretty good, hopefully that would help things go your way, as well as giving you a place to vent.

Very true. Our local Childrens Services has recently been involved in one such case. Not quite Baby P, but not far off. And from a family living only a stone's throw from us

I have no experience of this but if I was in your position I hope that I would manage to be polite, helpful and welcoming to any visitors and do all that I could to assure them that all was well. Easy to say I know but my sense is that being anything other than open and friendly could fuel a fire............

Would your HV know anything? I know in this area all SS reports and case conferences include the HV (but also normally the parent!!)

They are so short staffed at the moment I would expect you would have a meeting arranged at some point which would discuss whether your child should be on the at risk, or the child protection register, or left alone. None of these actions mean your child is taken away from you though, it is a longer process than that normally.

Good point about HV. At this stage she says that she knows nothing and that she has no concerns whatsoever - though now I'm wondering whether I believe her.

I've left a message for the SW who rang last week. She hasn't yet rung back.

Thanks. That's reassuring.

SW still has not phoned back though