to reduce my working days despite my husband's reluctance?

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

I'm thinking of cutting my working hours to spend more time with my toddler. Haven't raised it with husband yet. Know he's going to worry about money. Feel like I'm not holding my end up.

I work four days a week as a solicitor. I have a 20 month old daughter. I don't work the insane hours that most city lawyers do, but it's still a massive struggle to work long enough hours to make budget and still be home each evening to eat dinner with, play with, bathe and do bedtime with my toddler. I find it quite stressful.

My husband is a fulltime PhD student on a generous scholarship, who also "works" four days a week, due to graduate in a year. His working days and mine overlap two days a week, and she's in nursery for those two days; he does the nursery run.

I earn more than he does, but only by about 25%; I'm still quite junior, and his scholarship is both generous and tax-free.

We have been together 12 years, and are both very financially cautious, so we got into the property market very young, delayed having children till our thirties, live modestly, and are consequently now mortgage-free. We have no personal debt except my student loans and we have a small investment nest egg. If I cut back by a day a week, our income goes down such that we'll have to cut back on luxuries; fortnightly cleaner, weekends away, etc. We'd have to stick to a budget, which we don't bother with currently. I have absolutely no issue with this.

I miss my daughter desperately when I'm at work. Because I want to maximise seeing her, I don't do anything out of work hours that I can't take her to; so I don't go to the gym or for a run, I don't see movies or meet friends for a gossip, I resent going to the hairdresser. Not the end of the world, but still.

So my boss is supportive, I can afford it, my daughter is in nursery less, everyone wins, right?

But I cannot shake the feeling that it's somehow immoral of me to cut back on work just because I have more fun hanging out with my daughter. And my husband tends to panic about money. And he supported me through the Law degree on the basis that I'd then support him while he did the PhD, and while I still can do (I'm not saying to him, changed my mind sonny, off you pop and get a real job) would he be reasonable to feel that I'm not sticking to my end of the bargain? Asking him to cut back on luxuries/lose his comfort zone margin financially? He's stuck to his end, after all - he does the nursery run and a huge chunk of the housework which all makes my life much more possible, he works hard at the PhD which is incredibly important to him. And here I am, saying "sorry, don't want to work really, would rather spend my days at home with my daughter, hope you weren't planning on any new clothes this year".

Would you feel it unreasonable if your partner said to you that he'd decided to cut back his days so that he could stay home with his kids? Is that purely his decision, as long as the household can afford it?

OrmRenewed is right - we just discussed it, I didn't present it as a fait accompli.

To be honest, if we were staying where we live now, I would be back to work (part time) in 9 months or so, but DH wants to move so I have accomodated that, and he therefore is a bit more accommodating to me wanting a bit longer at home with the child (ren).

I think you have to talk talk talk to your husband, things like this can spell doom for a marriage. You will never get back this time with your dd, so you really can't defer.

Thanks, all.

Orm, that's exactly my thought process. We agreed that I'd work four days, the narrative of the relationship is that "he funded me through Law School", I feel like I'm being unfair to change plans.

But the more I write (which is a lot, I'm so sorry) the more I think I'm maybe just having Ishoos. Because I'm not giving up work, not asking him to give up the PhD (which seems like quite a nice life...), and what the hell message have I absorbed that wanting to spend more time with my little daughter is translating in my head to not being able to cope?

catinthehat, it's not all or nothing, it's just a year really (after which I'll hopefully be on mat leave and he'll hopefully be earning fulltime again). So, good point.

LadyBiscuit, you really don't need to tell me about conceiving when older. I'm only 32 so not too worried yet, but there's a whole other layer of (totally irrational) resentment there about the fact that we waited until I was 30 for the first child. I wanted our first when I was 24.

Gosh, I didn't realise how many layers of Ishoo I had going on, here.

Sorry, one more - LB that wasn't meant as a snap at you, it was more of an eye-rolling at myself because of aforementioned Ishoos.

"How do you just tell your partner that this is what you want, and expect him to fit in with it?"

How about looking at it in terms of what does the child need - and discuss how much face to face contact the child ought to get.

He thinks nursery is good for her, I think it's a necessary evil ameliorated by the loving, stable, high quality care she gets from us the rest of the time.

Is he minimising your daughter's needs? His PHD focus seems rigid and top of his agenda - no room for flexibility or a review of the situation.

Hmm, well, I chose to work almost fulltime, so if he's minimising her needs then I am too. I think she's fine, really, I'm very wary of getting into an Oliver James conversation.

But in any event, it stems from huge insecurities on his part that come from his childhood; he's terrified of being exposed as a talentless fraud without the intellect of a slug (despite his first class Hons, etc), and also convinced that if we take any sort of financial risk then the bailiffs will turn up at the doorstep and take away our entire life. He knows that's irrational to some extent, but my wanting to throw a newborn into the mix and change the financial status quo is terrifying to him.

He's a great man, a loving, astounding, conscientious man whom I adore. He's also incredibly averse to change, and very stubborn.

Fear is a very, very powerful motivator, and I think he's just convinced deep down that his life is built on a bed of sand.

Just a thought - would the extra day at home with DD be one of the days she's normally at nursery? Or one of the days her daddy takes care of her? Cos if it's the second, then the three of you are benefiting in having a family day every week.

Well, you can't usually dip in and out of a PhD, he's presumably given up a well-paid but less interesting career to retrain by doing a PhD. Either you do it or you don't, and I'd say if he's got a year to go, to absolutely do it otherwise you get nothing and can't pursue the new career. It's a long-term decision and I wouldn't personally jeopardise that.

I really feel for you as your heart is saying another child. I think you should talk with him about this, tell him that you have been sensible for years and years, and you did wait, but now is just your time for children. You want them relatively close together and ideally you'd like to spend more time with your daughter/next child.

But I would also not make decisions that back you into a corner. Could you go back to full-time if you wanted? It's great that he's got a generous scholarship, but I know from personal experience that the science/academic job market is very very tough at the moment. Five years ago he could have walked into one of those jobs; now there are going to be massive redundancies in that sector. Perhaps he's already got a job lined up, if so, wonderful, but I wouldn't assume he's going to go straight into a well=paid research job, as the ones at my work are now ultra-competitive and paying less than they used to...

I would talk to him not about this year and whether three days works in the short-term, but how you are going to structure things for the next few years. If you do get pregnant again, you will only have a few weeks/months maternity pay, then you are going to have the same dilemma (wanting to spend more time with children) all over again, but with less money, plus if he is working full-time after the PhD by then, he won't be able to do the days childcare (as with PhD) and you will need a nursery for both children for part of the time.

I think you have done amazingly well to not have a mortgage at this stage, and I'm guessing he'd rather have more children than new clothes, I'd talk this through and try to think beyond the current situation which is only going to last a year or two max.

I do sympathise with your husband's worries but is it not really normal to have a mortgage in Australia, like it is in the UK? I would have no qualms about remortgaging for help with maternity leave and possibly early years childcare but then I have never lived debt-free so I don't know how key that is.

It would be a shame if his insecurities and distorted thinking were to control your destiny. You seem financially secure - more than most. Maybe your task is to challenge his thinking patterns and orientate him to reality. He doesn't have to stop his PHD but he needs to understand your realities.

hello - I'm in that obviously much envied position of working 3 days a week. It is great to see something of the kids (but not everything - you can be sure that school clubs your DCs want to attend do not always fall on your non working days) and that's why I do it - but you must at some stage - you are a qualified professional after all - have put great store by your career. I did but working 3 days a week is appalling for your career - in fact it isn't a career any more, it's simply a job. I never get the interesting cases as these would be impossible for some one working short hours to cope with, I'm never up on office gossip and as for pay rises, bonuses, promotion, being highly regarded by your colleagues - where has all that gone? And this too can cause regrets. I'm afraid short of my husband earning buckets (which won't happen) I can't see a solution really that makes both of us 100% happy. So it is a matter of compromise - a real long term compromise. But you do need to talk about it and decide which compromises are for you as a couple - it sounds like you have a really flexible partner anyway - not everyone would have worked to let you get your qualifications.

I would do it and if things got a little bit too tight, take out a small mortgage on the house - it's only while they are little and they are only little once...

If you were dropping your hours and expecting your dp to finance you then i would say yabu but this doesn't sound the case. You are paying your way and will continue to do so.

I am reducing my hours to 3 days from 4. I will still earn the same as dh, even on 3 days so I would still have done it even if he wasn't keen.

No worries. You're younger than I thought (I am 45 so the leaving it too late thing is looming large in my life for many frineds).

I think talking about it is absolutely reasonable. You can make all sorts of plans and agreements in advance of having children but I think once they arrive, the landscape looks very different.

YANBU, your heart is calling you here, some options for you to think about (from a 5-dayer!)

can you make bedtime later? This means you get more time with her. My DC goes to bed at 9, almost too late! But we get proper quality time every day

does it have to be to 3 days? can you cut to 3.5 days and have an extra afternoon a week, this wont hurt so much financially

dont never socialise, I know what you mean but at least once a month I go out

are you using your holiday to make sure you stagger your days off

I dont think you are being unreasonable, but there are other options to explore too

Hi, I'm actually doing experiments for my own PhD here so can't read all the posts - sorry if I double up. I would say that if you are going to cut back one day for yourself could you make it so you look after your dd on the day that presumably your DH looks after her? I should think he would like to spend that extra time on his work. Could you perhaps reduce the amount of holiday you plan to take as family holiday and agree with work that you take an afternoon of every week or every other week (and also help out DH)? That could be a win-win? If I were you I would think carefully and weigh up benefits/draw backs of reducing your hours as he may not get a job easily after PhD and sometimes the process from end of bursary to complete Phd takes a while (revisions requested from examinators etc) and you may not be able to increase hours again easily. Also, when he is finished with his Phd and well and truly in a new job you could consider whether you could take reduced hours when your dd starts school? School hours are very short in primary school. I sympathise by the way about missing dd, I do too. I know I need to finish my PhD though so am green with envy each tuesday when my dp is at home with dd and hope I can spend more time with her by reducing hours when she starts school.

Hey,tortoise!

Reading your posts,this is the thing that leapt out at me.
"and what the hell message have I absorbed that wanting to spend more time with my little daughter is translating in my head to not being able to cope?"
I could be completely off here,but is part of the trouble here that you feel that you ought to be working? I don't mean from the financial point of view - but more from the I am an educated modern woman,women now have careers and families point of view? I am probably not explaining this well,and not intending to say that any combination of work and family life is wrong - just that it sounds as if you do feel you shouldn't want to be at home more ,but that you should be working,when you have both worked hard to get into a position of financial stability ,and you are in a good position to work less temporarily if you choose to - which would be a perfectly valid choice.

Also I do think that you can take planning for the future too far,and there is at least some argument for going for what you want to do.You never know what life will throw at you in the future.(in the sense of events which financial planning will not prevent!!)

But don't do 3.5 days - unless you are very disciplined and your workplace very understanding work will creep into the afternoon!

Hi tortoise. I think you need to separate out the two issues:

1. feeling guilty for not working per se. I agree with Pogles that this feeling is probably a product of society and can be discarded (easier said than done I know!).

2. feeling guilty for asking your DH to give up some luxuries so that you can spend more time with DD. It is perfectly rational to find this difficult; after all, strictly speaking, it's not really fair that he should give something up and get no benefit. Is there a way that the change could benefit him as well as you? Snuppeline had some suggestions I think - eg you could use the extra day to take over looking after DD so he can get on with his PhD.

Gosh you lot are nice. Where's the nest of vipers gone? My husband's home tonight after a week away, I'm feeling much better about raising this with him.

Pogles, absolutely I feel I should be working, isn't that odd though, I've never thought of my SAHM friends as "not pulling their weight" (in fact I am all up in arms about posters on here whose husbands see their role as less important or less valuable) and yet that's how I feel about it when it's me. I work with a lot of mothers of young children, which makes my workplace very understanding but adds to the feeling that it should be fine to do both. Two of them have 3 under 5, full time working husbands, and still pull it all together.

Minipie, that's useful seeing it separated into two, and your #2 is a great summary. My only concerns about taking over his day insted of a nursery day are that we don't save any money that way and my daughter doesn't benefit from having more parent days. But it would be lovely to have a proper family weekend back, I'll certainly put it to him as an option.

Octopus, I know, it's insane. I live in a cheap city, or at least it was cheap when we first bought in 1998 - our little starter home 6km from the centre of the CBD cost $110K, which at the time would have been the equivalent of around 40 thousand pounds. And now we live in an unfashionable suburb with a commute rather than borrow much.

Duplo, we wouldn't even need to remortgage; it's a line of credit mortgage, so we didn't close it when we paid it off two years ago, the line of credit is still there.

I talk too much. But I'm really grateful for all the thoughts.

Thanks mj.

I don't see it as a sacrifice either. Just have to get over feeling that I'm pulling the rug out from under DH.

I think if you were planning to give up work completely that would be a reasonable feeling,but it is only one day ,isn't it?
And you have made compromises already - you said upthread that you wanted to have children earlier,and held off on that.
it is something you need to decide together,but I don't think his concerns about money should automatically trump your desire to see more of your DD,and if how you have things arranged at the moment is perfect for him but less perfect for you then wanting to discuss changing that is reasonable.