Advice really needed on shared finances

[clams]

Reading the thread by the woman whose fiancée is controlling her through money has gotten me thinking and I really need some advice.

I am hopeless with money. I hate any awkwardness about it so end up paying more than my fair share for things/always being the one to go up to the bar first/etc.

When I met DH 7 years ago we were both skint and led separate financial lives, occasionally subbing each other if the other one was out of money. I had a flat that he moved into and paid me some money towards the bills. 5 years or so I got a good job and a 100% pay rise. So I paid for more than him (whilst treading around his male ego), started paying into a pension for him, bought both our gym memberships, general stuff but we still kept separate accounts. And to be fair to DH that suited me too as if we had a joint account and he saw I'd spent £300 on clothes he would have gone on and on as he is a bit tight and hates spending money on clothes.

(His family are v odd about money and for Christmas everyone gives everyone else £30 cash. I bought them presents one year and they insulted me and went in a mood. So he has this weird thing about us both being absolutely equal, which I think in a relationship with give and take is difficult at any one time.)

This year I've had a baby and lost my job. The maternity allowance wont cover the mortgage and I have only 2 months mortgage contributions in my account left and he just expects me to get another job now (baby is 10 w.o.) to cover mortgage and childcare.

I am a bit frivolous and although my flat provided us with enough money for a deposit for our house I haven't saved any of these extra earnings - I'm annoyed with myself about this.

I have asked DH to sit down and work out money and he has been vague, postponed it and said how he has a credit card bill to clear (he bought me an eternity ring which I love but I don't think he should clear that bill at expense of our mortgage and me having to leave a 3 mo baby with a stranger).

Writing this out we sound like total fools. I need to raise this with him but I'm worried about how to go about it as any money conversation ends up in a row, him being evasive and me just saying I'll pay for the bulk of things to stop him being weasely and me crying in frustration.

Is he being controlling? Am I just being a sucker? What do I propose money wise to be reasonable?

Want to contribute to this thread but think it'll only confuse things as your posting name is so similar to mine!
YANBU though!

Your situation happens easily Clams especially if you start skint and childless. It took me and my DH a few years to sort our finances out.

Now we split our joint money according to what we earn, so my DH used to earn a bit more than me so he paid that equivalent share into our joint account (so for example we needed, on average, £3k in our joint account to cover mortgage, bills, petrol, utilities etc etc). My DH would pay in £1,750 and I would pay in £1,250 as that meant we both had the same amount of money left in our single accounts for us. We still treated each other to meals out etc (well, we did before we had kids!) but from our single accounts, not joint.

Now I work part-time to look after our DCs I pay way less than he does, but we still have our 'pocket money' for ourselves, which is still equal (he pays something like £2,200 and I pay £900). It means we're both down to about £100 a month each only , but at least it's fair.

DH is (to his own admission) shit with money, so I have taken full charge and organise it all (suits me as a control freak ). That way we are beginning to save (even with squat all to start with) little by little.

OP YANBU but you do need to sit down and talk to him about it. Maybe he is just too scared/worried about it all and is puttign his head in the sand.

Am curious though to know how having separate accounts works if one of you earns loads more that the other. We have a joint account (always have had - dh (an accountant) said that he "could not cope with all the internal recharging" about 3 weeks after we got together). He earns way more than me (he pays more in tax than I earn) as I am only part time but if I hadn't supported his career (eg given up my job so we could more with his) then our salaries would be more equal. Also he obviously benefits from "free" childcare/housework from me. So if we did some "pay a %age into the joint account and keep the rest for ourselves" then he'd be loaded and I'd be skint. How does this work? Have always wondered.

I have to disagree that separate accounts are a disaster for couples with children.

being twat is more likely to spell disaster and even if you have a joint account someone who is a twat will still abuse it.
Dh and I have separate accounts and still manage to pay for everything fairly between us.

whatkatydid my DH and I don't just pay a percentage into our joint account so he's left with loads and I'd be left with nothing - we both pay equal proportions so that we're both left with roughly the same amount for ourselves.

agree, stop pussyfooting around, he is in major denial

do a spreadsheet , in black and white

incoming
fixed outgoings

and dont budge till he looks at it

this reminds me I need to sort out something better with DP too

Thanks everyone.

We talked last night. I made a spreadsheet and asked him to discuss it and after lots of avoidance and me keeping calm, we worked out a budget.

We're going to pool bills in our joint account, which I think is important as then he'll see the money going out and in and it might reinforce the situation, or at least he can't be the ostrich anymore and me the sole worrier.

He still doesn't get me not going back to work yet and wants me back 'before his overdraft runs up', he still doesn't get his responsibilities yet. I love him, he is good in other ways and we have a small baby so for now my tactic has to keep reinforcing his responsibilities and trying to keep having calm discussions.

But he is still a total f-wit about money and this skewed 'fairness/equal' ideal. When he told me he needed a fund for stag dos and that any money I spend on a coffee with the mums/baby classes, he should have the same to go to the pub, I really struggled to keep calm. But losing my temper at those sort of provocative comments in the past has lost me the debate - grr.

We started with 2 single accounts and tried to offset bills and shopping etc but it was a real headache, constantly 'owing' money to each other

We then set up a joint account into which we both pay the same amount (salaries are roughly equal, mine is fixed, his is more variable with commission etc). This covers the mortgage, gas, electric, water, food shopping, cat insurance, life insurance, landline phone, internet connection, council tax and a joint loan we had for central heating installation. We then pay our own memberships, mobile phones etc from whats left in our single accounts, and can buy 'surpise' presents/ meals out etc without the other knowing what we paid.

Its changing shortly as I'll be on maternity leave. My SMP and child benefit etc will cover the amount I normally pay for household expenses to the joint account but not much more so hes agreed to give me a set amount each month for me to spend on stuff I want.

Obviously we'll have less money overall so will both end up with less spending money but this was the best we could come up with and its working so far

Hope that helps

Btw, expecting you to go back to work and 'cover the mortgage and childcare' is insane with a tiny baby

My husband doesn't earn as much as I do either, took him a little while to get over it, but he is now. And I get it all done in 4 days. Women are great aren't they.

One tip that might be helpful, we have a rule that the first person to swear loses the argument. Quite useful. I do lose a lot of arguments though.

Loads of great advice. I would:

• use the percentages budget system suggested
• take away all the luxuries (gym membership, really? what's wrong with the park?)
• go back to work and get him to be a SAHD
• blow your first pay packet on 2 pairs of Jimmy's to show him who's boss.