To change DS's primary school and give him a new start?

[TheRealPerson]

DS2 (9) is on school action plus for his behaviour/lack of attention etc. He gets into trouble a lot at school, is often fighting, messing around, being rude etc. I do not condone ANY of his behaviour at all and when the school actually lets me know that something has happened (rarely) I do punish him. Thing is he now has a bad name at the school and is often blamed for things he HASN'T done. This has been confirmed by other children and teaching assistants. Last week a boy kicked him in the shin, DS shouted something at the boy and was then approached by the boy's father who told him he'd "better stop bullying". DS was then shouted at by the teacher who saw that there was a bit of trouble going on without actually asking him what had happened.

We live in a city but right on the border of a nice village and there is a school there within walking distance to us. It is also a feeder school for a nearby secondary school which would be good for him to go to.

I do NOT think he is an angel and I know 90% of this is probably his own doing but AIBU to consider changing him to this other school to give him a fresh start and allow him to make new friends which could possibly go up to secondary school with him? Or will he just end up in the same prediciment there?

He doesn't want to change schools. I'd have to force him.

It's hard to say, without knowing the underlying reasons for his behaviour. Have the school out him on School Action Plus without discussing this in depth with you? Do you or the school think he has anything like ADHD? Has he had emotional upheavals?

It may be that he can just re-invent himself, but if he runs into a similiar pattern in a new school then his view of himself will be further compounded.

How is his behaviour at home? Why do you think he gets into trouble fo fighting, messing around etc? Is he looking for attention? Bored? Struggling with his work and feeling embarrassed? Is he used to sorting out his rucks with rough and tumble with brothers at home?

I'd try going in and talking to the teacher and head first, explaining that you understand he can be very difficult but that you feel he gets blamed for trouble regardless of the facts and citing the example you mention.

A school where he is 'the new child' would be likely to attach a label pretty quickly:

"He gets into trouble a lot at school, is often fighting, messing around, being rude etc."

I didn't even know he was on school action plus until a year after he'd been put on it and they still havn't told me what it is or why he's on it.

His academic level is slightly lower than the national average so I don't think it is that he gets bored.

He is an attention seeker, plays the class clown, loves people to laugh at him, likes to be the centre of attention but then gets really upset when he gets told off.

His behaviour at home isn't brilliant either. Last night he came home from a cubs camping trip and within a few hours he refused to eat his tea, threw his brothers CD's at him, invited a friend around and then told him to go home, shouted and screamed at me that I never listen to him (but when I asked him what was wrong, he wouldn't say). He refused to get a shower, ran away (I couldn't find him, had to go out in the car looking for him) and then spent an hour in the bathroom sobbing. This morning he's fine again and said last night he was just "tired".

I just don't know what to do with him, I don't like the path he's heading down.

I'd say that firstly you need to consider whether your son needs more support than he is getting on SA+. Because if this is the case, a change of schools isn't likely to help him.

I do have a friend who had a very similar situation (her DS wasn't on School Action, though). She did choose to move him in the end (in Year 4) to a bigger (and on paper, at least, better) school further away. And he did come on leaps and bounds in terms of his behaviour. His mum thinks it was because he had become so stigmatised as the 'naughty kid' in his previous school, that a fresh start - and one in a bigger school, so a 'bigger pond' if you like - was a real boost for him.

However, again, would go back to the support you think your son needs FIRST. Because it may be that he needs a change of environment, but it is definitely more important to figure out what his needs are and how they can be better met FIRST.

Is he starting year 5 in September?

Well, that is just unacceptable,TRP, the school cannot put your child on any course of action without discussing it with you.Certainly not onto SA+. You really need to get to the bottom of this.
As an aside, if he is on SA+, this will carry on with him to new school, so maybe not helpful for new start. This is rotten for you and DS.
Has anyone suggested an educational psychologist, just for an assessment?
You are obviously a concerned parent, hpe things get easier...

I am astounded that your DS was on SA without your knowledge. How on earth were you then privy to his IEPs (as you should have been). That is just unacceptable.

Have you seen any of the SA documentation? What are the school saying your son's needs are?

He will be starting year 5 in september.

The thing is, I tried to move him to a different school last year and as soon as they found out he was on school action plus we never heard from them again!!

I feel he has been labeled. He has been on a waiting list to see an educational psychologist for 3 years.

That is shocking. Yas the school you were looking at private or state? Unfortunately, a lot of private schools have no interest in young people they perceive as having even a whiff of SEN (especially behavioural issues). With the state sector, though, they cannot take that into account.

Three years on the Ed Psych list is also ridiculous. Have you thought about applying for a statutory assessment of you son's needs? To be honest, this would my next step if I were you.

Is there even a place at this village primary?
I just think you may be disappointed anyway, if it is a popular school.
I have known some children benefit by a move because they are acting up to a label, but it requires self-discipline and awareness on the part of the child if they are going to make a fresh start.
Is his behaviour reasonable at Cubs, for example, or does he have the same label there? Do other Cubs attend this potential new school, so he would have friends there?

How do I apply for a statutory assessment?

I think he ended up in trouble at the camp over the weekend and I'm sure I'm not being paranoid in thinking that one of the leaders does not like him near his own son.

At the camp before this one, he ended up in a fight.

It just seems to be everywhere he goes he ends up in trouble and I'm dreading him starting secondary school.

I think you need to get down to the underlying reasons for his behaviour, which I suspect is likely to be unhappiness at home and feeling unable to improve your situation. He's your older boy, yes? Even at 9 he probably feels quite protective of you, and knows that you are unhappy and that your family life at the moment is problematic. And that comes out in his behaviour - messing around, causing trouble. He won't tell you what the problem is either because he can't really understand it himself, or he does understand it and doesn't want to make you more unhappy.

I think moving schools will just be moving the problem at the moment. You need to get rid of the underlying issue, then see how his behaviour improves. If he changes his behaviour but the label sticks, then changing schools might be an answer at that stage.

He's the younger child and I sometimes think he feels he is the less valued child.

DS1 is very academic, popular etc

DS2 is below national average academically, isn't great at sports either, has friends but the wrong sorts (they get each other into trouble) and I think he has maybe heard me bragging about DS1 and feels he is a disapointment?

He isn't though, he's a great kid when he wants to be. But he is difficult to cope with and I have to be honest, when he's thrown a tantrum about doing his homework/reading book etc I've just left him to it. Lazy parenting but I think I have fuelled his idea that I don't care. I do care, I just don't want to argue with him all the time.

Caveat: I haven't read your other threads so I do not know what the issues are at home.

Have you considered home education for DS2, at least for a while (Y5 and Y6?). If you could manage it, it would allow you (and him) to work out what the issues are and give him space to find out what he is good at and likes doing. It seems likely that school and the issues there are reinforcing a feeling of worthlessness. You might also find that Cubs is easier for him when he is not being wound up all day in school.

Labelling makes things even worse; 'Can I have a word' after school though unavoidable really puts so much pressure on the child. The parents and other kids know this, and from your example take upon themselves to make it known to him. I have been there tried changing schools but as you say, this is happening everywhere, so this may only be a short term solution. From experience, he will get better,in the next couple of years, although you will both have to work really hard. I had to enrol myself to parenting classes among other things. Be strict but also support him, because believe me you he is under so much pressure. Good luck to you.