to not want to spend ££ on solicitor's letters to my ex about swimming lesson times

[DollyTwat]

Long post sorry, need to rant.

A bit of history

My exh and I have been divorced for 5 years, contact with the dc's has been sproadic and problematic. I had to stop contact last April because of his abusive behaviour towards me and the dc's on a particular handover. He had been emotionally abusive to DS1 on several occasions, so much so that he had several nervous ticks and was terified of his father. So after this handover, where he pushed me in his flat the dc's said they didn't want to see him and I decided to stop contact. I offered him supervised contact.

He didn't bother until Christmas of last year and they started to see him every fortnight at a contact centre. He then took me to court to reinstate his original contact order of overnight stays and once a week, which I countered with a variation to the contact centre.

We went to court last month, Cafcass have done their wishes and feelings report and both children said they were frightened of their father. So contact was agreed to take place at his mother's house, under her supervision, with it gradually moving to him have them on his own for the day.

The contact had to be very specific with times etc as he is the most unreasonable person who argues over the slightest thing.

So, we got this agreed. Then, with bad timing, the week after it was all agreed the DC's swimming lesson times changed because DS1 was moved into an advanced group that is only on at a certain time on a Sunday. This means that contact would either have to be later or I suggested he picked them up half an hour earlier and took them swimming. So either 9.00 or 12.00.

All standard stuff you should be able to sort out you would think.

But no, I have now got a letter from his solicitor saying that I've changed the times of swimming purposely to disrupt his contact. I was aparently supposed to change the times to fit in with his contact.

I just want to shake him. When will he fit in around his children? Doesn't he realise that swimming lessons are like gold dust? There's no praise for DS1 for doing so well either.

I can't believe I'm now going to have to spend money on letters from my solicitor about swimming lesson times. He pays me £5 a week and owes me £3000 in CSA money so he's on legal aid and I'm not.

Please tell me I am not BU he's a twat isn't he?

The problem is that most contact centres are only open for two saturdays per month for two hours.

so changing the time at the cc may actually be impossible.

He is being a twat.

Cant you send him a letter (recorded) telling him to call the swimming pool and see what times they have got avaliable, then he can see how limited the times are ?

But from your post if it wasnt this it would be something else.

Before you get in touch with his solicitor, find out from the contact centre (info will be online) exactly when they're open. If their opening times clash with the swimming lessons, then unfortunately you're going to have to work around them, otherwise you may face an application for enforcement of the order.

Sorry I may not have been clear in my OP. The contact is now at his mums, we've moved it away from the contact centre. But the times had to be set in stone and very precise.

So his contact was supposed to be at his mums (who lives 40 miles away) at 12.30. This time changes to be earlier by an hour each fortnight, so that gradually he gets more contact time. It was very complicated and detailed.

His solicitor did ask for the number of the swimming club, and I know she was told that the times were the only ones available for the advanced group he'd been moved into.

I just feel so angry that he clearly isn't interested in the boys, that everything has to fit in around him, and that he just wants them delivered nicely dresssed and well behaved without any of the hard work involved.

I haven't had to deal with any of this crap for over a year now and it's been lovely, and it's all just starting again isnt' it

Yes he's being a twat but he isn't going to change.

You don't have to use your solicitor to write to his, write yourself, recorded delivery keep a copy of all your letters and ensure that his solicitor sends all mail direct to you.

All you can do is explain that it is an unfortunate and unseen development which is what happens with dc. Would he prefer that his son gives up swimming if he is unwilling to accommodate the lessons?

Have you researched all other possibilities at different clubs, if so tell him that too - with a list of which ones you have tried.

In the long term it is more important that your dc have the opportunity for contact tbh. Who knows he may get bored and give up after a while anyway.

CarGirl good idea, I'll write to his solicitor and ask her to write directly to me, I can argue this one myself.

If it was actually about having contact with his children he would have got bored and gone away long ago, but sadly this whole thing is about control over me and causing upset, so he won't.

Ds1 Has just told me that his father intends to take him and ds2 to the pictures next contact day on his own and that he can do what he wants Nd doesn't have to ask me.

I'm livid. The contact is supposed to be supported by his mother until sept and then gradually his time alone built up. So what do I do now? It's as if he expects me to comply with the new order but he doesn't have to. The courts only seem to punish the mums.

So do I wait until he breaches the order then complain? I probably wouldn't mind its the attitude that's got me angry.

Will Cafcass support me do you think.

Seeing their dad is possibly more important than swimming lessons?

The point is though hairy that the DC's can have their lessons and see their dad. Why can't he take them? It seems that everything they've done for years has to be cancelled because it doesn't fit in with him.

Taking a child to a swimming lesson and watching them being taught is not the same as spending quality time with that child.

I'm not doubting that this man has been an arse but I don't think a court would be impressed with you wanting to change an order that's only just been made.

cafcass would imo support the slight change in order for the swimming and contact to go ahead. its swimming. something quite important isnt it? cafcass arent ogres,they know about a childs best interests,its their job.

what do the dc prefer? and how old are they?

Yes I can see how it can be argued that swimming lessons are less important than contact with dad, except that I didn't change the times to be awkward, we were given the times because of ds1 moving up a group. Something he's really proud of.

If I have to tell him he can't do the advanced class because he has to see his dad instead he won't want to go. He's nearly 9 and his views were taken into account in court.

I just can't believe that we can't sort this out between us, and him be reasonable about inevitable changes, rather than get his solicitor to write snotty letters accusing me of doing it on purpose. Who in their right mind would want to have swimming lessons early on a Sunday morning? Not me for a start. If I could have changed them before I would have.

Snorbs he hasn't seen his kids outside of a contact centre since last April, and he spent most of the time on Sunday talking about his new girlfriend to them, showing them pictures of her showing her bottom.

who does the dropping off/picking up?

I drive them to his mums and he brings them back at the moment, then in September it changes to him picking them up and me collecting them. This is when he is supposed to have contact on his own with them for an hour, increasing to a day over a few weeks.

So I have just asked for him to pick them up at 9.30 rather than 10 because the new lesson starts at 10 for ds2 and 10.45 for ds1 rather than both being at 9.

It's just really annoying he is going to be so unreasonable about something like this, when he's already told the boys he can do what he likes and will be taking them to the pictures without his mum there, which is part of the contact order.

Yes, he sounds like a twat and I can see why the whole thing is really frustrating, but I really don't understand why you are making such a mountain out of this - it's a swimming lesson. Unless we're talking about the training of a future olympic champion here you need to get some perspective.

Bearing n mind how complicated this arrangement seems to be and that it is likely to go pear shaped from the beginning personally I would act above reproach. If he breaches the contract order you will be in a much better position to object if he can't come back and say "well she's already changed it".

He's using it as a way to carry on controlling you and the boys.

HeIsForExample,ATwuntTiggaxx

I know it seems like I'm making a big deal out of it, I've been free of this controlling twat for over a year, so it's now very annoying that he has some say in what activities the children can or can't do, because he can't be bothered to take them.

Normal people would be able to talk about it, it wouldn't be a huge deal, and I have gone through his solicitor as he requested, so I'm doing it properly.

I'll wait to see what his sol comes back with and perhaps ask her for her alternative.

I must not let his twattery affect me so much

thanks for the replies, it does help to stop me sending him a text telling him what a twat he is

I didn't mean to sound unsympathetic btw so sorry if it came across that way. I guess I'm just thinking as a lawyer - if I was acting for the twat I would pounce on the fact that you are looking to make changes as justification for doing the same.

oh no Sunny I didn't take it that way at all, I know that when he starts to interfere with my life I tend to let it consume me, so that's why I posted here to be told to get a grip!

You are right, I'll leave it with the lessons, then if he does breach the contact order by taking the boys out unsupervised I can pounce on that.

I really wish he would just be a normal dad

Hope it gets sorted out quickly. He sounds typical of a controlling and arrogant ex (male or female).

I would speak to the swimming club and ask them to hold their places for a term - or to go on the waiting list because of the situation IYSWIM. I think it's in your best interests to stick to the contact arrangements and report to court if he contravines them. I can't believe he is such an arse he thinks he is above the law by intending to not have his mum surpervise from 1st contact.