to be annoyed at 5 yr old dd for the content of her school report

[GooseyLoosey]

Actually, I rather think that I am, but would appreciate some perspective.

Dd has just finished Yr 1, but is the youngest in the yr and still only 5. In her school report she got 2b for literacy and numeracy. Great - very proud of her.

However, in almost everything else, the comment was that her level of effort varied. I asked her teacher about this and was told that she often appears not to listen to what is said to her, even when in a one to one situation. I know this is true - she never listens to the answers to questions she has asked and if you ask her what you just said, she says she can't remember - presumably on the basis that she wasn't listening.

So, AIBU to be annoyed at this and to let her know and tell her that she has to try harder, or should I just get over it and tell myself she is only 5 or should I be worried about her complete inability to listen (which of course I am)?

havent been through the entire thread but I wouldnt worry, she obviously listens enough to have got a 2b

but, better to know there is a possible problem than for the teacher to skate over the fact, you can keep an eye on it and ask her next teacher if she is improving.

I could hear perefcly well one to one, but as soon as there was other noise to 'hear over' i just tuned out and daydreamed...

The teacher has absolutely no way of knowing how much effort your DD is making- effort grades are erroneous IMO.

Agree with MoonOnAStick- she's 5. If you ask if she wants an ice cream, does she listen?

Seriously, check her hearing to rule out any problem, and just praise her every time she listens- even when it is being asked if she wants ice cream etc.

Might be worth asking her what it looks like when someone's listening; eye contact, sitting still etc. and practising that.

I have APD so my hearing is fine but really struggle in noisy envronments and with certain pitches too. Going to the pub etc is such hard work as I struggle to understand what my friends are saying, let alone trying to hear and understand a new concept.

Actually I think the chocolate test is probably highly reliable .

I do understand where you're coming from re instinctively comparing to an older sibling - DS2 has always loved to learn things, has always just been interested in acquiring knowledge for the sake of it - any knowledge. Meanwhile DS3 gets by on the minimum effort necessary and unless something really engages him, just can't be bothered. And it's really hard not to get frustrated - but DS3 is the one with the social skills, the charm, the confidence etc, and I know he'll be fine .

DS2 (5) had this written in his school report:

"In whole class situations Master Bangbang sits next to an adult to prompt him to focus and to behave appropriately, as he often makes random and repeated sounds and movements which distract others and limits his own ability to actively listen and participate"

Funnily enough it finishes off by saying that he's a 'polite, friendly boy' who has made some 'really pleasing progress' and is achieving at 'the expected level' (expected by whom I sometimes think - those who are aware of his tourettish tendencies and Mr Bean like behaviour?)

I just concentrate on the good stuff!

YABU. She's only 5, she's doing well in what interests her.

One thing I would do is to get her hearing checked properly. The chocolate test (or as we call it here, the ice-cream test ) is tolerably good, but a proper hearing test will test various frequencies, not just speach. This means it can tell you whether she has difficulty picking sounds up in a noisy environment.

Goosey
I used to get cross with my DD1 for not listening and paying attention. When I took her baby sister for her hearing check I made a jokey remark about DD1 being the one needing a test and fortunately the nurse acted upon it.
When she was tested she was found to be about 50% down and needed grommets. There were absolutely no indications with her schoolwork at all. I felt so guilty when I remembered all the times I'd had a go at her for not paying attention.
Similarly I remember wondering why on earth she wandered around with such a scowly face a lot of the time when she is actually quite a ray of sunshine. Turned out she really needed glasses and again she'd never once complained of not being able to see the board or anything.
I'm not coming across as a very dilligent Mum here am I?

You lot are helping no end to give me a sense of perspective.

Do you know, it had never occured to me that you could hear well in one environment and not in another (despite having a number of people in the immediate family with hearing difficulties ).

MoominmammasHandbag and others, I am now becomming convinced that I probably need to get hearing and sight tested.

Although she reads fairly fluently, she will often mistake letters that looks fairly similar, eg she will get stuck because she sees an "l" when the letter is an "i". Again, I kind of though this was down to a general lack of concentration.

Mummy guilt levels rising nicely now.

Some children need listening to be explained to them.

Look at the person speaking
Keep your lips still
Think about what the person is saying (not what you are having for lunch or what you want to say next)
You could give her visual cues to help her remember what she sould do when listening by drawing an eye, a mouth and a thought cloud. Or get her to point to her eye, mouth and head.

If you tell her that sometimes you will ask her what you have said and that she will need to have listened so she can tell you, she is prepared. Praise her when she can repeat back.

Somewhere on here someone did "good listening" with their child. They would praise the child for good listening if they were told to do something and they did it correctly. You actually say "Good listening DD" instead of "well done for getting your shoes on."

You can also practice giving tasks with increasing steps.
Go and get the bear on the table

Go and get the bear on the table and put it on the chair.

Go and get the bear, put it on the chair and cover it with a blanket.

Etc, etc.

You could make it harder as she gets better.

Also, memory games you can play in the car.
I went to the shops and bought a ... taking it in turns and having to remember what other people have said.

SiriusStar - not something that have ever really occured to me. I though listening was as innate as breathing - however, I am beginning to see that this is not necessarily the case. I will try this with her.

Oh snap...

I also have DS1, who is 20 months older than DS1, and in Year 2. He is an all round swot performer, top or near the top of his class at most subjects, good at sport, plays piano and sings in the choir, described by his teacher as "a team player".

Poor DS2 lives in his shadow. To make things worse they have been in a combined Yr1/Yr2 class for the past year as they are in a small village school. I think sometimes he doesn't bother as he knows he can't out perform his brother!

Although TBH in some areas DS2 is doing better than DS1 was at just turned 6. I have to keep reminding myself of this!

Domesticsluttery - I think the same - dd does not bother sometimes because of ds. At home, if she can't do something, ds always does it for her (put on a dvd, work out what her homework is about - anything). In some ways it is quite nice, but I am not sure now that I have done the right thing in allowing it.

I have also thought that the same thing happens in class. Dd is a very beautiful child (in a blond and fluffy way) and also the youngest in her class (late Aug birthday). If she can't do something, I rather suspect that she cosys up so someone and says in her deliberately sibilant voice "I can't do it..." and hey presto, someone else does it for her.

I think I may be overthinking the whole thing though...

Glad you are considering hearing tests.

I am partially deaf, I don't wear a hearing aid although I could have one if I wanted.
I too am fine in one to one, if you whispered "chocolate!" behind me and there was no background noise I would probably get that.

If there is background noise, ie, continuous rumble such as a classroom setting I find hearing difficult. In those situations I rely on lipreading to "hear" people. It makes parties etc quite difficult but I guess its mostly my fault for not wanting an aid.
Many people think I am rude because I cannot hear them calling to me across a street etc, I'm not. I only ignore the ones I don't like.

She is only 5!

Already suggested hearing - good idea for a proper test.

Is the classroom noisy? Lots of children zone out as they cannot cope with the noise and other sensory stress of a classroom.

Is she bored, and more interested in her sensory world than the classroom? I did this, I paid attention when school finally got interesting.

If she can concentrate, is doing okay, and has okay hearing. I wouldn't worry.

There is a great book I read from the library once "The Myth of Laziness: How Kids and Parents Can Become More Productive" by Melvine Levine. Although you might debate with teens, small children are not lazy, if they seem it it is because of some other problem.

DS2 is just the same. He is the youngest boy in the class, and is small for his age with a cheeky grin. If he can't do something then he finds someone who will do it for him...

DS1 and DD (who is 20 months younger than DS2) are totally different personalities to DS2, they are independant and always want to be the best. Whereas DS2 just goes with the flow...

Two or three months ago I was incredibly worried about DS2's performance in school. He wasn't listening, wasn't concentrating, was generally in trouble most of the time. But he seems (touch wood) to have had a bit of a turnaround, and when he does actually bother to put the effort in his work is very good.

What's the betting he ends up the most successful of the three in years to come, and I'll look back and wonder what all the fuss was about!

my son had the same issue, turns out it was glue ear and he had to have his adenoids removed to clear up the glue ear. His hearing is still on and off though but miles better than it was....Maybe get her hearing checked out and don't worry about it

Re hearing tests - do you just turn up and the GP and ask for one or is there another way of going about it?

I don't know whether she is bored. She has never indicated that she is. It seems to be that she has tuned out so much, that she couldn't possibly have decided whether the lesson was interesting or not!

I am starting to realise though that I have never considered dd as a particularly bright child because compared to her brother, she is not. I haven't really been aware of this but I do know that I have never thought of the possibility of dd being bored or just not interested in the lessons.

most 7 year olds would be doing well to get 2b, so whatever is happening she is ahead of the game. Be proud.

I don't think we even got school reports when I was 5. If it was a serious issue I'm sure they'd have spoken directly about it to you. She's obviously bright and they may be comparing her ability to concentrate with slightly older children.

Another one here suggesting having hearing tested.

DS1 had Glue ear. He could hear OK but it took a lot of effort and he got very tired, and sometimes zoned out in class.

Go to the GP and she will look in her ears to check for obvious signs of infection, then should refer to a hearing clinic, where she'll be seen by a nurse for hearing tests and a more through examination, and a Dr.

If it's nothing to do with hearing, seriously Chill Out. You're in danger of putting her off school or damaging her confidence.

... just to add, when I took DS1 to the clinic the first time, I was stunned by the extent to which he was relying on lip-reading.

I agree completely with those suggesting getting her hearing tested. I would ring your GP surgery and ask how to go about getting one. Sometimes it's through the health visitor. My dd (5) used to zone out at school and come out looking a bit bewildered. I was shocked at how poor her hearing was when we had it tested as she was bright and had learned to read etc with no problems. The consultant said they work out other ways to compensate. She had severe glue ear and now has grommets fitted which have worked wonders. She is far more engaged in school and we have a lot less of the random, silly behaviour which I think she used to use to cover up her lack of hearing. It definitely can be far worse in a class environment as there are so many different noises and frequencies. BTW she would have passed the "chocolate" test too, as that was not the situation she was struggling with. Hope it turns out that her hearing is fine, and she's just daydreaming though!