to expect DP to discuss the future now I'm pregnant

[justonemorethen]

DP asked me out when DS was 6 months old. He is now 6.
We haven't ever lived together (both our houses are two small for all of us) and although DP said he would like to, he has never asked me to marry him (I know she'll say no is what he tells everyone).
Found out last week I'm pregnant which was brillant but unexpected.His reaction was "it's your choice whether you keep it but I'm delighted". Mmmm so if it all goes tits up basically it was my choice.
Anyway no mention of where we would live,possible marriage, anything. It's driving me mad. I don't want to bring it up as I want to know his thoughts and he has a habit of asking what I want and going along with whatever I decide.
Is it just the lack of wine and coffee or is it reasonable to expect him to say something.

You need to ask him outright, otherwise you are wasting your time with this man. He is showing no committment at all and if you wait for him to say something, you will be waiting forever.

Ask him where you stand. If he still won't commit, tell him you will find someone who will. 6 years is a long time to wait with no idea what he has planned for the future. It sounds like he is stringing you along really.

Sorry my post obviously isn't detailed enough but it's not the commitment I'm worried about.

When I got pregnant the first time the father told me very honestly that he wouldn't have any part of it if I went ahead. He was as good as his word and even though we had been friends a long time and was getting lots of pressure from both families he went and got on with his own life. I have never had to worry about weekend visits,CSA, bickering over money and I a good parent etc etc. I have told my son all about his father and that he can get in touch when he's older and he's happy with that.

My worry with this one is that DP won't be strong enough to let me get on with it and/or isn't up to the challenge of commitment.

I'm 40 so this is probably last crack of the whip.

Never easy...

You're just going to have to ask him what he thinks. If he asks what you want, be firm and consistent about starting with talking about what he thinks.

Is it your pride that wants him to start the conversation or something else? Honestly - and I'm not defending his behaviour here - it sounds to like you need to work out what's best for you practically and make it happen. And start believing you deserve marriage and all the rest if that's what you want.

Yes, ask him outright. He says postive but vague things and then stops short of actually doing anything. Two key statements for me would be:
'What are our living arrangements going to be when the baby's born?'
'If you asked me to marry you, I wouldn't say no'.
Try one or both of those and see what he says. If he says something about it's up to you, what do you want, say 'I want to know how YOU see it'. If he says nothing, leave it for a few days/ a week and then say 'I said X the other day, what did you think about that?'

How does your DS get on with him? Does he see him as a stepfather or just your 'friend'?

Also, do you yourself want to keep the baby?

Sorry, reread your OP and have seen the pregnancy is 'brilliant but unexpected' so am guessing you want to go ahead with the pregnancy. Are you ready to do it alone if needsbe?

I would just come straight out and tell him what you want - but first you need to work out what that is.

Do you own your houses or are they rented? Surely it is expensive to run to homes and would make much more sense for you all to live together?

Yes, and what is the relationship between your DP and your DS?

i had a baby at 40 with a dp i have never,and still dont,live with!

works for us...separate houses....only blip is he is struggling a bit now my other dc are in teenage years...he doesnt live here,so doesnt see alot of them,but when he does,he's a bit shocked in the changes!!

If you want to get married then you tell him that's what you want to do and if he agrees start making agranements. You really don't need to wait for him to ask you. Ask him if he is prepared to share a home, sounds like you may need to move when the baby is born anyway if there is no space for your dp to move in with you.

You just need to be honest and firm.

I'd ask him, stop waiting for him to ask you.

Maybe he's assuming because you did the last one on your own, that is what you want this time. Or maybe he's unsure how he will cope with DC1.

For goodness sake, talk to the man.

Maybe he actually believes you would say no if he asked you..... he sounds a bit insecure, take the lead and see what he says I reckon you'll be pleasantly surprised!

As a matter of interest, how much time do you spend together? How involved is he with your six year old?

Thanks all!

DP gets on very well with DS and asked me if he could adopt him. Never did anything about it though.

This is why I want it to come from him. I want him to be brave enough to say what he really wants.

We don't live together because I have a brand new 2 bed through social housing and therefore would lose my very cheap rent (in an area thats v expensive). He has the same that he has brought (has a daughter that stays for the long holidays).To buy the equivilant with four rooms is soooo much money here.

Anyway it's all academic.I'll come up with a plan and he'll go along with it. Thanks for the comments ,it really helps to see it from a outsiders viewpoint.