To not want to anything to do with my brother...

[FakeTanGirl]

I have just found out that the (narcissistic, arsehole, wanker, controlling, shite) brother I never speak to has got cancer. We had a falling out about 17 years ago when I left home and I never went back. My mum still visits him regularly and wants me to give him a call. My two other sisters also feel the same. My elder sister has called (as she lives abroad) and talked to him very briefly. My younger sister has refused to ever speak to him again. My mum has now asked me to go and visit him and give him some support, and possibly pathch things up. I know she means well in a mummy kind of way, but I don't like my brother or his wife and they have kept their children away from us.

He has not called to speak to any of us. Do I have to listen to my mum and do the 'decent' thing and go and see /call him?

You do what your instincts tell you to do.

I don't speak to my eldest brother, none of us (sisters, brother, dad etc) any more. Different reasons to yours, but I don't think I'd call him if I heard this.

I know that your mum means well, she wants her children to get on & support each other, but she has to understand your choices.

Think about yourself, how would you feel if he dies and you don't speak to him first. If it really isn't an issue then don't. If you think you might feel bad, then it might be worth one last try.
I am not condemning you either way, but that is the question you need to ask. I don't think it is going to be a neutral response (if it was then I might advise you just to try for your Mum).

Its up to you, not your mum. If you honestly think it wouldn't bother you if anything happened to him, then don't waste your time.

I hate this mentality that some people in the family want you to get in touch with people you hate to 'keep the peace' etc. Its totally your decision.

I hate my cousin with a passion. She is a nasty peace of work but my nan still wanted to know if I was inviting her to DS's party just because I invited her brothers who I actually like and get on with very well.

To be fair, 17 years and cancer can go a long way to change a person...
Go there and see if it has. If not then carry on living as you were, happy to have invested 20 minutes to find out.

If you don't go, he dies you will spend the rest of your life wondering if you have caused a changed and nice person unnecessary anguish when they were already lower than low... That would make YOU a (narcissistic, arsehole, wanker, controlling, shite).

I wouldn't do it because other people told me to.

I would do it because he has cancer and you have no idea what is going on wit him. I would try and be a grown up and a better person and make one phone call and see how it goes. Maybe that will be it and it will be claer that there is not future relationship in it, or maybe you will be surprised.

I don't know your background obviously but in another 30 or 40 years is it possible that you could look back and wonder why on earth you didn't try and fix things?

On the other hand, if he has done something totally unspeakable that you can never ever bring yourself to get over then in that case don't bother. There is no point making contact out of obligation, only do it with a genuine and open heart.

ISDP that is the thought crossing my mind. Does cancer change a 45 year old arsehole?

I wouldn't feel bad at all about not seeing him, ever again.
Surely when you cut someone off it means you totally cut them off? People should think about dying alone without any family throughout their life and become better people. Not count on other people's 'human decency ' in their final hours.