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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think sleeping is something done at night, in bed?

32 replies

NormalityBites · 18/07/2010 23:56

Take children and elderly people out of it, as well as anyone who is ill or working shifts/has a baby or disturbed sleep regularly for whatever reason, I mean normal, healthy, non-sleep-deprived adults.

AIBU to think that you sleep in bed, at night, and not just randomly wherever you happen to be? Or to think that it's quite frankly bad manners to go to sleep on someone's sofa during after dinner drinks, or halfway through a conversation?

My husband and his family (including non blood relations) claim they can't help it and every one of them just randomly sleeps - you look over and BANG, they've gone, and they all just work round it and treat it like it is some kind of joke. I give my mother in law a lift home and she snores all the way back and I have to wake her when we get there. She fell asleep on the grass at DD's school fete FIL sleeps in the chair the instant he is home from work and is good for nothing. DH sleeps on the train home and ends up in the next county. I've seen him sleep in the stands at a football match in full flow.

I just don't think it is normal to have half the people you're attempting to socialise with snoring at full volume, with no apologies made. Does anyone really live like this who can explain the logic to me? I have never slept anywhere but a bed in adulthood and find their lack of control alarming. AIBU?

OP posts:
fernie3 · 18/07/2010 23:59

that is odd. I would forgive the occasional nap but sleeping that much is a little over the top!

DisenchantedLullaby · 19/07/2010 00:03

you might be a little bit U here, it sounds like your husband's family might be suffering from a form of narcolepsy

a few members of our family are similar and it doesn't seem to be anything they can willing control, and it seems to be something that gets worse with age, or if they are suffering from other ill health

perhaps rather than getting so frustrated with your husband, you could suggest a visit to your GP and a referral to a sleep clinic for assessment?

thursday · 19/07/2010 00:03

hmmm, my mister does this. i often have to poke him awake at my parents house to save us both the embarrassment of him snoring. i have had that over powering irresistable need to fall asleep a few times, so try and be sympathetic. people are different, i take hours to get to sleep even when i want to, he literally just goes to sleep as he lies down (grrrr). he's my husband though, not sure i could tolerate it from lots of people all the time.

melpomene · 19/07/2010 00:04

It doesn't sound normal. I was wondering if it could be a medical condition like narcolepsy, but then see you mention non-blood relations as well... I wouldn't have thought many adults would be able to sleep at a fete or football match though.

confuddledDOTcom · 19/07/2010 00:06

Personally I function on 3-6 hours sleep a night, so I can't really complain because we obviously all have differing sleep requirements.

My sister and possibly our dad has Narcolepsy and Cataplexy. I think she's just getting my share of sleep!

Original poster
NormalityBites · 19/07/2010 00:08

That's why I mentioned non-blood-relations - it's the whole huge clan of them, in laws and out laws and the whole lot. They don't have a condition, they just don't see it as a problem, at all - and get snooty with me if I mention it/look at me in horror akin to if I was preventing someone from eating/going to the loo or something.

None of them ever falls asleep at work or while driving etc etc.

OP posts:
confuddledDOTcom · 19/07/2010 00:13

Might seem random, but do they all snore?

PrettyCandles · 19/07/2010 00:14

I think it is rude to let yourself take a nap while in a conversation. But some people do consider catnapping in the same way as others consider farting: some would never do it in company, or outside of a toilet, whereas others are of the 'better out than in' mentality, or think nothing of it at all and just let rip.

DisenchantedLullaby · 19/07/2010 00:19

ok without wishing to sound mean, are there any weight/ diet issues within the family?

it could be that they suffer from a milder sleep disorder due to being overweight (only being a little over weight can make a big difference)

even they may not all be biologically related, sharing diet issues may contribute to the problem

it could be as basic as not getting enough quality sleep (due to snoring or mild sleep aponea, and therefore having much more distrubed sleep) (sp) for their bodies and overcompensating during what they consider to be down time

as the whole family does this, it has probably become normal and acceptable

Original poster
NormalityBites · 19/07/2010 00:35

Some, Disenchanted Lullaby, but by no means all. Most of the older family members have a few extra pounds, a couple have far too many extra, but the majority who are under fifty are fairly fit and active, some even underweight. BIL, for example, is 6'2 and barely 11 stone.

They don't know much about what good food is, but I try to change that

OP posts:
thursday · 19/07/2010 00:42

it's obviously just something that they all find acceptable and you;re the odd one out. yes, its weird and would bother me. but theres plenty of times i could take a cat nap if it was encouraged.

DisenchantedLullaby · 19/07/2010 00:48

I can see why it would bother you, it is all slightly odd, perhaps you could encourage your husband to see the GP about it? You probably couldn't fix the whole family though, but at least that would make your life less infuriating.

My dad has recently started to do this during his downtime after work, and with him it is a combination of weight, fitness, snoring and age.

He too doesn't think that there is anything wrong with it, but his lack of quality sleep of late seems to be the source of it. My mum is on the case though as his snoring has got so loud that you can hear him downstairs.

Nemofish · 19/07/2010 00:49

Could be diabetes running in the family, have they been tested?

HotSprocket · 19/07/2010 00:53

My dp does this too, drives me up the bleedin wall. Basically if he is bored, he falls asleep.

I hate sleeping during the day, feel all groggy and confused for hours after.

mumof2children · 19/07/2010 01:05

perhaps that the norm of the family to fall asleep, i fall asleep alot but that due to my 5 year old never sleeping a full night since he was born

Original poster
NormalityBites · 19/07/2010 09:41

I still don't know if AIBU to find it rude and treat them as such?

OP posts:
waitingforbedtime · 19/07/2010 09:52

In my opinion it IS rude but then I am biased as dh and his family are like this too.

His mum will fall asleep during conversations / board games at Xmas, dh will fall asleep all the time. Does my head in.

They can help it imo because they dont do it at work etc.

Original poster
NormalityBites · 19/07/2010 10:07

Exactly! They can help it when it's not socially acceptable to do it. Yet I tell them it is not acceptable TO ME and they still do it willy-nilly and look at me as if I have two heads when I say something. Aw, he's just tired' 'well she can't help it' etc.

I wish they'd begin to exercise some control over something that constantly robs them of social time/ends of films at home/trips to the cinema (none of them go as they always fall asleep 'because it's dark' )

Whenever we get in from going anywhere even if it's just a quick trip to the shops DH sits down and goes to sleep pretty much instantly when I'm struggling with DCs. I hate that his family make him think that is OK because he just can't HELP it! YES HE CAN!

OP posts:
PrettyCandles · 19/07/2010 10:40

Now that is a perfectly reasonable point. If they can stop themselves in situations where they consider it socially unacceptable to catnap, then there is no reason why your dh cannot change at least some of his catnapping habits.

Have you tried sayiing to your dh "Help me sort out the shopping/dc/whatever, first, and then have your catnap."?

PrettyCandles · 19/07/2010 10:42

Or maybe you should run from the car to the house, gasping "I'm bursting!" and lock yourself into the loo. Just dump everything on him and don't come out for 15mins. Yell for loo paper after a few minutes as well!

Shirleygoodness · 19/07/2010 10:58

Oh thank goodness, I'm not the only one living with this. DH is the worst. He puts his legs out straight and falls asleep, so I try to persuade him to keep his knees bent, but he won't (and I sound mad). But it doesn't embarrass him that he's asleep in company. Does me, because it looks rude and that he's disinterested. It also makes it really hard to leave and go home, when you have to waken him first and he's all drunk-like (he doesn't drink much, and it makes him sleepy...). He's skinny, and his sister and dad who'll easily do it too (but they're not so rude about it) aren't overweight either, so that's not a factor. He's been known to nap under a desk at work. He once fell asleep while stretching out to change channel on the TV.

Chil1234 · 19/07/2010 11:16

I agree with DisenchantedLullaby about sleep apnoea... breathing difficulties means very disturbed sleep all night long and they are likely to be semi-exhausted the rest of the time. Sit still for five minutes and they nod off. There are lots of accidents caused by people who fall asleep at inappropriate times.

Chronic fatigue can be symptomatic of many conditions - some quite serious. I'd get the ones you can influence to see a doctor.

FortunateHamster · 19/07/2010 11:36

My dad will sleep at any relatives' house. I guess I'm used to it but tend to think that if it's family, it doesn't matter that much. On the other hand he used to do it most when visiting my mum's side of the family and if I got a sense that it was because he was bored, I dread to think what they thought.

I don't think it's a big deal if it's when you're staying over with family (rather than a quick visit). Eg if I'm staying at the in-laws for Christmas, there's a lot of alcohol being drunk and little sleep (because I find it hard to sleep at night in someone else's house), I think it's relatively normal to need a short nap now and then in the day. But then last time we were at these me and his mum fell asleep on the couch at the exact same time, so I'm assuming they don't mind either.

Maybe I'm just one of those odd sleepy people too!

MyMamaToldMe · 19/07/2010 11:49

My sister used to do this and seemed to 'grow' out of it. It only lasted a year or so, and we still don't really know why she did it. It was just so irritating her falling asleep wherever, whenever. Interestingly, it was over a period where she lost lots of weight (not really sure how as she was eating like a horse - more than my husband at some meals). We would go out for a meal (she was living with us then), she would eat and then fall asleep! So embarrassing! We would go visit friends and she would just fall asleep on the couch!

Anyway, it passed and then the weight came back on. So who knows! And yes, she was checked out by the GP numerous times, tests run, the lot. Nothing was wrong except she was a bit deficient in Vit B.

Shirleygoodness · 19/07/2010 11:54

My dh was checked, blood tests etc, when he was 18 or so, and doc concluded that he just needed a lot of sleep...