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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Or is (D)P?? Really need some outside perspective

10 replies

BunnyLebowski · 18/07/2010 19:45

Bit of background. DD is 22 months. DP works full time and I work part time in a pub and am at home with DD during the week.

She is still bf and if DP and I are both around and she's upset she will want me. DP puts her to bed every night though and when I'm at work he has no problems comforting her. They have a lovely close relationship.

So tonight he had plans to go to the cinema. Fine with me. I get in from work and he asks how long will the pie I'm making take as he has to leave at 7pm. I start making (awesome) pie.

Halfway through said pie-making my sister (who lives abroad and I rarely get to speak to) rang. DP has issues with her over some previous selfish and hurtful behaviour by her towards me. I get on well with her now and we both have daughters so I want to make an effort for them. I started chatting to her.

DD wanted to come in the kitchen so DP removed her (because of obvious burny thing risks), shut the kitchen door, and she had a bit of a tantrum and cried for me.

I finished talking to my sister, assuming that DP would settle/distract DD. When I got off the phone 5 minutes later he had a major go at me. He called me selfish for leaving her crying and said that I was prioritising my sister over my child.

He said I should have told my sister I would call her back and come to DD. And that I don't appreciate how hard it is for him when she cries for me.

As far as I was aware I was cracking on with the time limited meal and catching up with my sister at the same time and he was handling DD. I genuinely didn't think she needed both of us (although in the interests of full disclosure she was crying harder than usual).

Oh and then I called him a prick and said he would never be able to make me feel like anything other than a good mother.

So.......what do you lot reckon??

Was I in the wrong??

Sorry for blethering and thank you if you're still reading

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 18/07/2010 19:49

YANBU - it was only for 5 minutes - how were you supposed to know that she wasn't going to calm down for him?

Does he still have an issue with your sister?

Rosieeo · 18/07/2010 19:49

YANBU, he's being a bit daft because of his previous issues with your sis.

BeerTricksPotter · 18/07/2010 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

overmydeadbody · 18/07/2010 19:53

YANBU, altohugh a bit U for calling him a prick. Name calling never helps when people are hainvg disagreements.

BunnyLebowski · 18/07/2010 19:53

He doesn't think very much of her but we only see her once a year on average so it's a pointless grudge imo.

I told him I thought he was lashing out because of his feelings towards her and also because of his own insecurities about being '2nd fiddle' to me when I'm around. Insecurities which I do understand and sympathise with him about.

Thanks for answering btw.

OP posts:
BunnyLebowski · 18/07/2010 19:56

I know omdb

I apologised for that.

He's gone to the cinema now. He said he wanted us both to get past it while he was out but that he stood by what he said .

If I am offended by the very suggestion that I would prioritise anyone over DD and think he's totally wrong then how do I just shrug it off?

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 18/07/2010 19:58

If he can't settle his own dd then you are going to have a problem - dd can't always have you even if you are in the room and will have to go to daddy.

if you let her win on this then you are going to make a rod for your own back

you did the right thing and let him get on with trying to settle her - yes it maybe hard, part of that hardness is that your dc wanted the other parent and part of that hard was he needs to learn how to cope doing this.

parenting is a learnign curve and he was pissed off as he learnt she wanted you and he wasn't the flavour of the month, but to be the flavour he needs to keep at it

CakeandRoses · 18/07/2010 20:09

You did the right thing. Sounds like he was just irritated because it was your sister.

Owes you a big apology imo.

cory · 18/07/2010 20:26

How can leaving a child with its own father ever count as selfishness? No doubt the only reason she settles down with you is because you've worked at it- as all new mothers have to do. And now he has to work at it. Same difference.

BunnyLebowski · 18/07/2010 20:37

He can and does settle her all the time though.

He takes her up to bed awake each night and gets her over without a peep from DD. She has started asking daddy to go to bed now when she's tired .

I expect we'll talk when he gets in. I just can't give in on this one because I think he was fundamentally wrong.

I'm relieved you guys think so too. Am tempted to show him the thread.

Thanks again.

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