Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To think that motherhood ''puts us in our place''?

40 replies

poshsinglemum · 16/07/2010 22:04

Ok- I have a good degree, a private school education and I did my dissertation in feminist literature. Yet I still spend my time doing lots of housework, moping up poo worrying about stains and desperately trying to get my career on track.
What I really mean is that since becoming a mum I have taken on traditionally ''feminine'' roles.
If I had apertner mabe I'd feel differently.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 16/07/2010 22:06

I don't know if having a partner makes much difference- arses still need to be wiped, dishes still need to be washed. I can't see that it's vastly different for people who work.

Bonsoir · 16/07/2010 22:06

Adult life involves lots of cleaning and chores, however many MBAs and PhDs you have. Whether or not you can afford to subcontract them is another issue.

yousaidit · 16/07/2010 22:08

Sadly, yes. As I frequently point out to dh, before we had dc's he worked full time and did a bit of housework and cooking. Now, after dc's, he works full time... and might cook a meal (becuase he enjoys it) on a weekend, but now does no housework...

apparently being a mum and me working p/t means this automatically was assumed as my responsibility (even though when dh looks after dc's by himself he has said it is like a full time job )

I wouldn' think a partner would really make your view much different Posh...,

Nemofish · 16/07/2010 22:12

I know what you mean. I am very lucky in that dp left work to help me with dd (I know, how pathetic am I, but I can't drive and I was going mental alone with a baby) and now I am desperately trying to get my career on track retraining.

I don't think most male partners make a proper effort with their children / babies, and it really pisses me off, it puts immense pressure on mothers to do everything, or if they're lucky, nearly everything.

Try and remember that it's temporary, poshsinglemum!

fryalot · 16/07/2010 22:14

posh - if you don't have a partner, who else will do it all if you don't?

bananalover · 16/07/2010 22:16

Having children changes women....not men, just women!

Booboobedoo · 16/07/2010 22:21

Don't know if that's true, bananalover.

Both DH and I have changed significantly since having DS - both for the better, I think.

DH is now more considerate, more generous, more far-sighted and generally more of a man than a boy.

I am a SAHM, and certainly don't feel Put In My Place.

I am educated and have ambition, but am currently very fulfilled in my role as mother. If I weren't, I'd do something about it.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/07/2010 22:25

Hmm. It hasn't really had that effect on me, but then I am in the fortunate situation of being single but on good terms with DS dad, so I get plenty of free time to go and play while DS dad looks after DS. I think the 'being put in your place' thing happens more to partnered mums than single ones to some extent, because if you've got PG by a bloke who thinks that he's more important than you and that your duty is to meet his needs, having a baby is really going to bring out this side of him as he will expect his life to carry on as normal ie you to keep on pleasing him while doing all the childcare.

RedBlueRed · 16/07/2010 22:27

You do what needs to be done, as with most women grown ups.
I'm in the same boat - good education to degree level however, I think I have a more industry relevant specialisation but nevertheless I think being a single parent and the childcare restrictions that we have hinder our progression and hence our careers.

It really is not enought to put in a 40 hour week and expect a career from it.

Most couples (yes, I am generalising here and I know a lot of women sacrifice their career to care for children) are able to compromise a little so the arrangements are mutually beneficial plus they might well have a little more disposable income than the singles and so can afford more flexible childcare.

But its never easy whatever your situation.

Its worth the effort though isn't it?

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 16/07/2010 22:46

I don't like being a grown up. I want to be Peter Pan. (sticks out tongue)

OP posts:

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 16/07/2010 22:48

It is SOOO worth it. I love dd. And she is very cute. And I am very gllad that her dad has fucked off. I need a manny- a man who does a lot of childcare!

OP posts:

RedBlueRed · 16/07/2010 22:52

I often think all my problems would be solved if I could afford an Au Pair. Do you think ConDem might up child tax credits to allow for such an arrangement?

hairytriangle · 16/07/2010 22:55

Yabu. You presumably chose motherhood.

RedBlueRed · 17/07/2010 00:13

hairytriangle - I chose to have a baby with what I thought was the man of my dreams and a man who fully supported my career plans.
What I actually got was neither.

I'm making the most of my situation but I don't have to just accept motherhood as my only option do I?

Is that how you see it?

SpeedyGonzalez · 17/07/2010 00:23

I agree with SGB - women with partners feel it more. In our household, I am currently on mat leave (though I work p/t for myself) and so to all intents and purposes I am currently a SAHM. We have a cleaner once a fortnight but apart from that I do about 70% of the housework and all the cooking. I do 90% of the childcare during the week. I also sort out everything for the children - health stuff, clothes or other purchases, nursery stuff, parties, presents, etc etc etc.

DH's contribution is that he works bloody hard to earn most of our money while I'm on mat leave, but he also does most of the washing up and helps with laundry when he can. So although at present my life is totally domestic, we're both contributing to keeping our family going.

I sometimes ask myself: 'is this what I did my degree for?' but I think working p/t helps me to feel that I'm still connected to non-home stuff.

sunny2010 · 17/07/2010 08:22

I do a lot of housework but its cause I like lots of free time so I do it in exchange for my husband babysitting a lot so I can go out with my friends. I go out for nights out, clubbing etc quite a bit and he doesnt really go out much so its definitely worth it.

I dont see looking after children as particularly taxing. I work with kids though so dont see it as particularly hard work, and its more fun than anything else you can do. There is no job in the world that is as fun and interesting as caring for children imo. I see it the other way round as my husband has to go to a job thats horrible whereas I have a fun job both at home and in work, so because of this I do my best to look after him.

It has been a steep learning curve though as he pampered me in the first few years of our marriage so I have had to learn to cook and iron which has been way harder than doing the childcare part!

fedupofnamechanging · 17/07/2010 08:44

I think it is a problem for women who have agreed (with their partners)to be a SAHM. As wonderful as this can be, the truth is that being out of the workplace for any length of time seriously hinders a persons career. It is much harder to go back to work when you feel so out of the loop. The deal is that one of you (usually the woman) will provide care for the DCs, the other will provide money for the household.This arrangement means that the mans career can progress, while the womans is stalled. Then, if the marriage breaks down, you often get men who resent having to pay for the household (because they are divorced and only want to pay for their Dcs, not their wife), even though this was the deal from the start. The woman then often finds herself unable to work and pay for childcare, and trying to re establish herself in a career that has moved on without her and earning significantly less money than she would have done had she remained at work. So, yes, I think women are kept 'in their place' in these circumstances.

porcupine11 · 17/07/2010 09:10

I know exactly what you mean. I often think what was the point of certain friends and me working so hard at school, going to a top university, being equal if not better than male peers throughout, only to end up staying at home with small children.

Before I had DCs I would have thought I'd be back to work immediately, but I couldn't have predicted the nagging feeling that I ought to be at home with my DCs when they are little. Not that I particularly love it, often feels quite daunting trying to entertain them all day, but it just feels that's what I have to do. All the education, ambition etc is somewhat reset by the biological urge to care for your children, that (most) men don't feel quite as strongly.

foreverastudent · 17/07/2010 10:05

You could learn to live with the mess.

Coralanne · 17/07/2010 10:13

It's like the old saying goes. Women can have it all.

Just not all at the same time.

Education is all about life long learning. A couple of years out now doesn't mean that all your education to date has been wasted.

ivykaty44 · 17/07/2010 10:22

Is there a lot of resentment then having a degree and mopping up and clenaing the house when you have babies? why does it make a differnece if you have a degree? Do you feel you wasted the time getting a degree or that you are wasting your time mopping the floor? Or is it that you pick up and clean after all the children and on adult? Is the resentment that the other adult doesn't pull his weight?

I have never thought about the life I lead as being a female role, I have brought up my 2 dd's on my won for a large part of their life and just got on with cooking cleaning mowing, gardening etc along with homework and parents eve - it never dawned on me that I had been put in my place.

I work part time and run a home and do it well and have two children that have a fair bit about them, both work hard at school and jobs.

I do this as it is my life and I don't have another adult to pull along

Butterbur · 17/07/2010 10:22

I so agree with the OP.

When we had DCs, DH and I were both IT contractors. In fact I was DH's boss when we met. I wanted to take turns in doing a contract and looking after DCs. He refused to even discuss it.

I should've left him then, but all those pregnancy hormones swirling around made me into a twat. What was worse, he expected me to do all the domestic stuff.

That was the end of my equality.

sunny2010 · 17/07/2010 12:29

I dont understand people saying its the end of their equality. Surely its more fun playing with your kids than having to go and work with something boring like IT. Ialways think its not fair for the man not the other way round! I think it just depends on how you look at things.

porcupine11 · 17/07/2010 12:33

It's not 'resentment' at all - I have the degree so I can choose whether to work or stay home and be houseperson. It's more just surprise that the roles of my DH and I should diverge so much following birth of DCs, when prior to that we were completely equal, or rather, following the same path through life.

Though I will pick up my career again, and am in fact still working part time, there is no doubt that my career has ground to a halt while he is still progressing apace in the industry I used to work in.

I think this is what the OP is getting at.

sunny2010 · 17/07/2010 12:36

I suppose so but at the end of the day your husband will miss loads of the things that your children will do and loads of the special moments you share. I definitely think men get the raw deal to be fair. Thats why I am glad to be a woman.

Flip

1 2