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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be frustrated with my MIL?

10 replies

Cookie79 · 16/07/2010 21:14

One of my first posts on MN and its in the AIBU one
Long story short my child has a history of febrile convulsions and a few other health 'red flags' which have culminated in us getting a consultant referral. GP is fantastic although he is sure it's 'probably nothing' he would like an expert opinion.

The MIL aspect is that we can't tell her. She cries at everything. She couldn't handle us having to rehome our dog for his behavioural issues and cried at my daughter's birthday party when she saw where his bed used to be (grr). Husband won't entertain the idea of telling her about Emily's ptential health problems until there's something to tell as 'I don't want to have to deal with the tears, I'll shout at her'.

AIBU to think that we should be able to tell her things about her grandchild without worryig about her feelings? The upshot is she might have epilepsy or Type 1 diabetes and we can't risk telling MIL in case it upsets her. To my mind WE need the support not vice versa, and if my child is potentially having a life-changing conditions, it's not my MIL's feelings I'll be worrying about.

She's lovely - a generous and nice person, but she's an 'I stayed up all night worrying about XXX' sort of person.

Husband is the strong one - he had to hold his dog as a teenager when he was put down because his parents were crying too much, I guess it's always been that way but I find it difficult because I've always been able to tell my parents things and got practical help back. Emotion later once the crisis has passed. As I said to a paramedic on our most recent ambulance ride 'I'm fine, stop checking ME over, I'll crack up later once we know she's ok'.

Maybe I'm just venting.
x

OP posts:
SugarMousePink · 16/07/2010 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cookie79 · 16/07/2010 21:20

I think you are right - a friend of mine said 'you can't take ownership of someone else's emotions'

Love her to bits but good god I could shake her sometimes!

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cornsilky · 16/07/2010 21:20

I don't know really - folk are folk and you can't change 'em! Hope dd is okay though.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 16/07/2010 21:21

Tell her when you know what the situation actually is?

Instead of might be this that or the other?

I mean hopefully it will be nothing at all and there'll be nothing to tell her, but perhaps just wait?

What support do you need from her at this stage? Is there anyone else that can give you this support?

And sadly, there are some people who are all me me me. No matter what's going on they'll find a way to make it about them. My parents are like that - especially my mum!

You have to decide how to handle it. Tell her and ignore, tell her and when she starts just be honest and say look it's not about you please stop trying to hijack everyone's problems to get attention for yourself. Or just don't tell her anything and look elsewhere for support and if she finds out, say we can't tell you anything because you react so dramatically and we need support not weeping and wailing.

FakePlasticTrees · 16/07/2010 21:22

YANBU - I hate it when people make other's problems all about them.

No practical advice I'm afraid, other than just follow your DH's lead. It's his mother and if he would rather not deal with her, then you need to respect that, he'll probably bare the brunt of it anyway.

I hope your DD is ok - I'm epileptic (although now 13 years and counting since last seizure) and it's pretty horrid, although I think worst for my mum to have dealt with than me having them.

Cookie79 · 16/07/2010 21:25

The thing is his dad works at the very same hospital and we may run into him. Husband will be honest about why we've not said anything.

I think you are right Hecate - tell her when we have something to tell her and if not, then ignorance is bliss.

I am concerned that she'll worry herself into ill-health one of these days.

OP posts:
OnEdge · 16/07/2010 21:27

YANBU but I suffer from anxiety in a similar way to her regarding my kids health. It is irrational and other people get cross with me and can`t undertand it. For me it is misery and I can barely cope with the worry if my kids are ill.

I think it would be kinder to wait until you know, rather than upsetting her unnecesarily.

Cookie79 · 18/07/2010 21:17

Thanks girls, you're all very fair minded and you are all right! (of course I am too )

Appointment is tomorrow afternoon, I will let you know the outcome if I get chance to hop online!

x

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Ozziegirly · 19/07/2010 04:12

I do sympathise. When I mentioned in passing that I had gestational diabetes my FIL said he was "worried to death" about me and the baby and that he "didn't know how I was coping" with the diet and insulin.

He is also worried that I will be too "isolated" in my nice private room at the hospital (isolation being the very reason I want a private room!)

It's just not my style, I hate people fussing over me and luckily DH has gone the other way from his parents and isn't a fusser at all.

But I know full well it's because they love me and care about me, so I play along.

Cookie79 · 19/07/2010 19:57

Well she's been referred to the children's hospital for an EEG to 'rule out epilepsy' so we'll see what comes of that, no urgency for it so hoping it's just precautionary.

As DD's name was called in to the doc, FIL was actually walking past the children's unit door - erm, the odds on that please? Anyhow we very much downplayed it and DH rang his mum later on and said she seemed ok, he was quite blase about it.

Still chuckling over the fact FIL just appeared from nowhere - think it's karma telling me not to be so silly?

x

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