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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is he?

21 replies

loopyloops · 16/07/2010 10:52

So, we (DH and I) had a big chat about the future. We have always said that at some point we'd like to foster and have more kids. Because I need to think about work etc., I wanted to work out a time scale for these things.

Conversations as follows:

him: I don't want to foster until DD is 5
(fair enough, thinking maybe about safety, bullying etc.)
me: why?
him: because I want her to be the oldest child
me: OK, but why?
him: because I was
me: riiight, but what is it about being an oldest child that you liked?
him: I was one and she should be one and that's it.

OP posts:

cat64 · 16/07/2010 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

loopyloops · 16/07/2010 11:13

Well, he's usually fairly eloquent, but perhaps not so much a bout feelings.

I accept his decisions but I wonder if they are being made for good reasons?

OP posts:

kittywise · 16/07/2010 11:14

Well what about what YOU want. He's good at talking about his own needs isn't he? But your POV don't seem to figure much in his thoughts do they?
I'd be a bit concerned tbh.

Original poster

loopyloops · 16/07/2010 11:19

Yes, that's what I thought.
Don't really know where I stand, cat and kitty (!), but as I said I know I can't pressurise him so I just have to accept what he wants I guess.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 16/07/2010 11:46

Why do you have to accept what he wants - what happened to discussion & compromise??

He 'reasons' are not reasons, they are statements and yes, it's very odd to want to replicate his birth family for no particular reason... not to mention, that if his parents didn't foster I would be seriously concerned that when the time comes it will be a case of 'Well, I didn't have foster siblings so DD wont either.'

He sounds very dictatorial and you sound very submissive?!

lazarusb · 16/07/2010 11:51

Of course you don't have to accept what he wants! You have an opinion and in an equal partnership he should be considering your pov too. It sounds as though he's more than comfortable pressuring you, maybe his 'perfect' upbringing left him with a few communication/emotional issues? Either way, I don't understand why you think he should get his own way and you don't have the right to have an input into such major issues.

Original poster

loopyloops · 16/07/2010 11:51

It's strange because I'm not submissive by nature, I'm just very aware that you shouldn't bring children into someone's life without them being wanted. But no, they aren't reasons, and what you said about not wanting to foster is something I've worried about, which is why I brought it up really.
He isn't usually dictatorial either, but he was the same when I wanted our first, he resisted for a long time, then agreed, then decided against it, then decided he did want to go ahead. Incidentally, one of his reasons for being unsure is his mum was a bit older than me.
It just strikes me as really odd reasoning. I can accept it if he gives me better explanations, but this all seems a bit... feeble.

But If I were to say I want to foster this year, that would be unreasonable, so if I were to assert what I want I'll be the one in the wrong, if you see what I mean?

OP posts:

ISDP · 16/07/2010 11:57

I'd have the issue with the tone (impying that this is what he has decided and that's the ene dof the conversation). more than anything. Espcially if you haven't got any real objections to that setup.

But that's jsut me. I hate being told what to do or not get given an option. though I respond very well to requests and negotiations. I should imagine as do most people.

Lauriefairycake · 16/07/2010 12:00

When you come to foster his answers won't be good enough - he will need to be able to reflect more deeply on why he wants his family the way he wants it.

Bestb411pm · 16/07/2010 12:01

Maybe he's just never questioned if there should be any other way to the one he knows?

It's slightly odd reasoning to say that his child should be the eldest because he was and then plan more... it's not like they can all be the eldest is it

JeezyPeeps · 16/07/2010 12:04

I looked (briefly) into fostering, and was advised that it was best to have children younger than our own (which was not possible at the time as ours were very young).

So although he may not be able to provide sound reasoning, it's actually good advice.

Original poster

loopyloops · 16/07/2010 12:08

I was fostered in three different placements, and in each one the birth children were younger than me. This was good and bad for different reasons: Foster family 2 doted on their own kids and were awful to "fosters", separate skanky bathroom, locked kitchen and cupboards when own kids had keys, different food etc, Foster family 3 I was big sister and two own girls looked up to me, I helped with homework, babysitting, friends etc. I think the problem comes when they are the same age (FF1 had a daughter my age, in my class, very stressful for both of us).

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 16/07/2010 16:09

loopyloops - sorry you had such an unsettled childhood

I understand that you think it's not right to bring a child into the world that's not wanted [but it would be wanted by you both, it might just be a little sooner than DH thought was 'ideal' (ie different to his birth family)??], but you two aren't even discussing this - he is dictating when it will happen and he's not even giving you good reasons for his decisions - just because that's how his family was - well so what - it's not the only option and to make you feel bad about your upbringing is just shit quite frankly.

I actually find his attitude very odd and a little bit freaky - he wanted to delay having DC1 because his Mother was older than you when she had him... very, very odd.

Frankly, if you want to have another child with him, I would just get on with it when you are ready to do so, it's you carrying the baby and if the only reason he can come up with for waiting for the next baby is because that's how his family was... well, I wouldn't be too worried about it....

What would you do if he didn't want to foster later on?

Original poster

loopyloops · 16/07/2010 19:22

Yes I have wondered this...

My ideal situation would be to foster sooner, and have more babies at a later date. We lost DD's twin sister and the thought of being pregnant again frankly terrifies me, but I love children, am a good mum and would like to have lots around.

If he didn't want to foster.... I don't know. I guess I'd have to go by his wishes.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 17/07/2010 08:32

Loopyloops - sorry to hear about DD's twin, whilst she is, I'm sure, a constant joy she must also be a constant reminder... and that must be very difficult for you

As I said, I would go ahead and get pregnant if his only reason not to is the gap between him & his siblings. It's odd and it's not like he's saying 'we can't afford to' or giving you some other very valid reason.

It sounds to me as though fostering is very important to you (and I can understand why!!), I really hope he comes to the party on that. Does he know you would like to Foster now and have more children later? Why does he not think that is a good idea - or is it just not what his family did? In which case, if they never fostered, then I think you have your answer

Pheebe · 17/07/2010 08:55

You asked his opinion, he gave it. Why does he have to justify himself? Sometimes we just want things a certain way, no particular reason, its just what seems right to us. You say you don't have a problem with the opinions he's given so what exactly is the problem?

Pheebe · 17/07/2010 08:57

"I would go ahead and get pregnant if his only reason not to is the gap between him & his siblings"

I would strongly advise NOT "just going agead and getting pregnant" without you DH's agreement. What a betrayal of trust!

Original poster

loopyloops · 17/07/2010 19:58

No, I won't just go ahead. I'd like a better justification Pheebe, because I don't understand his reasons, they simply don't make sense to me. No particular reason is a bit like can't be bothered, which is something I'm not really a fan of, IYSWIM?

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 17/07/2010 20:08

yabu to discount his subjective opinion and reasons he gives.so he had a v happy childhood and seeks to emulate that.well isnt that a good thing to emulate the good bits.why are you so touchy about his family exactly.you need to have athink why you feel irked or desire to kick against what he tells you

his explanation seems reasonable
your reaction is churlish

mjinhiding · 17/07/2010 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

zipzap · 18/07/2010 00:47

Might also be worth having a chat with his mum if you are friendly and finding out if the family that she ended up with was what she thought was ideal... Might be that she wanted to have children earlier and closer together but had problems getting pregnant or had miscarriges.

Not wishing to pry as to how quickly you think you will get pg once you start to try but I think it is probably reasonable in most situations and particularly in one like this to point out that it could take a year or two to get pg once you start trying - what would your husband say if the gap between sibs ended up being 5 years instead of 3? Or if his mother said she wished she had had 18 months between kids and not 3 yrs?

Not that it makes any difference, I have 3 yrs between my two and I am finding it really difficult - the gap is too big for them to play together nicely (currently they are 5 and 2) most of the time. Little one wants to follow older one and do exactly the same but can't keep up, older one gets fed up of little one always following... Sometimes he can be a real little sweetheart and gets very involved in looking after his little brother, to the point of wanting to be the third parent and helping out, making decisions etc. But lots of the time it is difficult.

On the other hand, my sis is only 18 months younger than I am and was in the school year below me, meant it was much easier to play together, particularly once we got to about 4 & 3. Mum, watching my kids play together, reckons that she had a much easier life because we were closer in age. In an ideal world I would have chosen to have kids closer than 3 yrs apart but it just didn't happen

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