to feel like I'm going completely mental?

[beachtent]

I don't quite know what is wrong with me, but today I feel like I'm on the verge of going completely nuts. I'm doing a doctorate, I have a very high energy, bright and lovely toddler, and my partner works hard doing freelance work. I'm responsible for 90% of the housework, my partner usually cleans the kitchen up at the end of the day but not always. Sometimes he'll do something else, like hoover, but this happens about once every 2 weeks (it needs to be done every other day at the very least, due to toddler crumbs and stuff everywhere). I don't consider myself to be uptight domestically, but I do really hate it when stuff feels like it's really dirty and festering (like it does in this heat, especially). We're also potty training at the moment, and my son likes to poo in random places, plus there's a lot of laundry. On top of this, I do all the shopping, cooking, meal planning, and dh never arranges anything to do socially - that's also my responsibility. We don't have a cleaner.

Basically, I feel ok 75% of the time, the, like yesterday and today, when my son is going a bit bonkers or being particularly demanding, I just feel like I can't cope. Then I start feeling unappreciated, and like things aren't fair. I don't even know if I'm being rational or irrational any more. I just feel like I can't really think straight about things. I just wish my partner could make me feel a bit more appreciated, I feel like because he's the one earning at the moment, everything else has to bend around him. And quite rightly, but I do feel like occasionally I could do with a bunch of flowers, or a night out arranged by him (e.g. where he sorts out the babysitter and thinks of somewhere to go). I don't feel like these things are massive things to ask, but they just never happen, and so life just feels like a bit of a slog at the moment.

I'm worried that I'm becoming depressed and about the effects this might (or will) have on my precious son. Dh and I are due to get married soon, and I keep thinking, 'Do I really want to marry someone who doesn't seem to be able to think about me?' Then I think I'm just being selfish and mental, that he's working his arse off for us, and that's wonderful, and in many many ways he's such a good man, any mistakes are unintentional and he's not remotely spiteful. But I just feel uncared for. And I don't know what to do about it.

I was thinking of checking myself into a spa hotel for a night just to get away, but it would feel sad staying somewhere alone. But I feel like I'm going to explode with frustration and sadness at the moment, and I just don't know what to do.

I'm open to suggestions, please be gentle!

Have you discussed this with dp? I would if I was you, but try to do it in a way that won't make him feel defensive. Tell him you're feeling overwhelmed and you need his help.

I'm not surprised you're feeling like this. Caring for a toddler full time and doing all the housework is enough for anyone. Doing a doctorate on top of this - I have friends who have done phd's and found it quite a stressful and isolating experience. And from what I've heard about potty training (dd is just approaching this stage) it's enough to send anyone temporarily mental in itself.

You could just have an afternoon of pampering? If the spa thing feels too much then you definitely need to do something for yourself, even if just a shopping trip or something. And do it regularly.

I'm quite sure that you put a brave face on for ds - I was depressed when dd was younger and it hasn't affected her in any way. But I went to the doctor and had counselling and I'm so glad I did. I'm not saying you're at this stage but bear it in mind as an option if things don't improve.

Take care.

ok.so unpick this a bit HOW does "explode with frustration and sadness at the moment" impact upon you. what makes you think you becoming depressed.coping 75% of time is an ok baseline.is the majority after all.really depends what the other 25% is like

you list many potential triggers
academic work (how that going are you stressed)
potty training toddler
restricted social life and frustration

practically
can you get a baby sitter get out with dp
what about a cleaner is that option?
what precipaitating factors are going on,how can you manage them or decrease them
if you do feel too overwhelmed yes go see gp

and good luck

If at all possible, get a cleaner. Or, could ds go to a childminder sometimes to enable you to work on your doctorate undisturbed.

Thanks so much. Sorry I should have explained - we have 2 days of childcare per week - one at nursery, one with ds's grandma. This helps a lot, but I work solidly through those days on top of doing housework.

I have spoken to dp about this repeatedly. He always says he's going to do something to help, but either does a bit more for a week or two then stops, or just forgets what he said he was going to do. Last time we had a discussion about this, he said he was going to ask around about a cleaner as I had done so and not had any joy. He completely forgot.

We go through about 6 week cycles with this - occasionally I'll have a melt down about it all, he'll be shocked I'm struggling so much and will put more effort in, then everything slips back to the usual, then the cycle starts again. I'm so bored of it!

Yes, get a cleaner. Tell him to get his arse in gear and find a cleaner.

I agree a cleaner will take a lot of pressure off both of you (obviously mainly you) but pressure off the situation for both of you- regardless of the cost it's worth the investment!
I won't ever not have one now...

Oh, I know exactly how you're feeling.
Gave up my doctorate to be a full-time mum (DS now 8.5 months), DH works ridiculous hours to support us. I'm with full responsibility of the baby plus housework 24/7. The plan is to to go back to my phd from october, but frankly I don't know how I'm going to cope. I'm worn out and have these melt downs every now and then.

Perhaps counseling could help. Check with your university...

Hope it all goes well for you

Get a cleaner

And can I be really cynical and say, if you're going to dump him marry him first. Because at the moment you would only get a pissy amount of money for your son if you split up with him

secunda your cynicism makes me smile !!

We've got a cleaner sorted - she starts on Monday. I feel better for having had my meltdown. I think it didn't help when I was chatting to my 20 year old sister about it all, and she said my life sounded really hard and boring. I don't think it is, I think I'm just at a different life stage to her, but that made me feel quite low as well. We definitely need an injection of fun now and then, but we do get on incredibly well most of the time. It's just when I'm feeling low, I don't/ can't see that.

I am having psychoanalytic therapy at the moment, and tbh I think it's stirring up a lot of shit, hopefully it will be helpful in the long run, but it's really challenging me at the moment.

The moment I had the cleaner booked, I felt so much better, so it must mean that was really niggling me. Thanks for all your kind words. I really appreciate it.

Now I'm just beginning to notice a bit of a pattern in these mood swings - a few days before I felt really low, I felt buzzy and amazing and wonderful and full of beans. I'm hoping this isn't some early-warning bipolar type awfulness? Or perhaps just stress/ messed up hormones/ too much on my plate?

Beachtent, I also did my PhD with two little ones, and it can make you feel a bit mental at the best of times. One of the problems is you are never 'off work', you should always be doing a bit more, and you are packing in all that work into a couple of days, leaving yourself exhausted for the rest of the time (which is pretty full-on, housekeeping and running after a toddler). I guess you have no time off. Getting a cleaner is a great step.

I'd also say that doing a PhD at home is very isolating, and leaves you lots of time for over-thinking stuff and paying a bit too much attention to yourself (I mean that in the nicest way, I was exactly the same). It's pretty normal, I found, to have days where you have quite a lot of energy, perhaps on the days you do your work when you have to get the adrenaline going to get everything done in a short time. You will then feel exhausted and a bit low on other days. You could mention this to the GP if you feel it to be very extreme, but it sounds a standard, if not entirely productive way of managing the too many things on your plate. I think it helps to get out of the house a lot on your toddler days and talk to RL friends who aren't doing PhD's!

I may get flamed for this but hear me out.

What about your dp? How is he feeling at the moment?

I just mean, this is about how both of you are feeling. I went through this exact same thing years ago and spoke to my dh about it and he told me how it was from his perspective and from then on it's always made me stop and think about it from 2 angles.

Your husband is working all day every day. He's knackered, he comes home from work to an exhausted partner and a hyperactive son. He's then expected to take over.

You are knackered. You spend all day trying to keep the house in order, dealing with your hyper son, doing your doctorate. Then you have a sullen husband to deal with.

To get through this you need each other, and a break from the daily grind. You obviously have your mother or mother in law handy. Can she not babysit once a week, every week?

Can you make a deal with your husband that he clears up the kitchen every night and makes the dinner once at weekends?

There's no point in having a go. He won't appreciate it - in the same way you wouldn't appreciate it if he had a go at you.

And, the housework. I'm a bit like you. Not a pristine tidy house, but like things to be reasonably clean. But, it shouldn't be your priority. Do the minimum to get by. Get a cleaner if you must (I didn't) - but don't let a messy living room spiral into a resentful marriage.

Good luck. It's not easy, we have all been there, but you'll get through it. TALK to your partner, but both of you need to see it from the other's point of view.

i'm glad you got a cleaner because you saying the hoovering 'needs' done every couple of days and your DP seeing it needs done every couple of weeks is a classic case of having different standards.

it's not surprising you need the house cleaner than he does, you're there more often and are looking after your child there.

your DP is out the house working and wont see the mess when he comes home knackered.

So. that's step one.

What about your social life? how about having a 'date night' once a month and taking it in turns to organise?

My DP and i do this weekly during the edinburgh festival (we live in edinburgh) - wednesday nights we go to something, we take it in turns to find something and buy tickets. without this routine we'd never go to anything unless i booked it.

Thanks onetoomany and fartmeister - wise words! I think life just feels a bit claustrophobic sometimes. And I think my dp can just bumble along thinking everything's A-OK until I lose it. He doesn't seem to get the little things that might just be a little perk to keep me going. I'm always doing little things to keep him chipper, like telling him how fab he is (and he is), encouraging him to follow his heart with all his little and big projects, not to mention keeping him fed, clothed and watered. I just feel that he never acknowledges that what I'm doing is fucking hard work, he never says, 'God, beachtent, you're working flat out and I really admire it, I think you're ace!' (which of course I would love to hear). No. The other day, he suggested I go and see a personal stylist because my dress sense appears to be a bit 'hit and miss' - like I have the time to put together a perfect outfit every morning! And he also suggested he pay for some personal training sessions for me to help me lose weight (I need to lose 2 stone but it is hard as my hormones are out of whack). Now, I know he meant these things as positive ways of helping me feel good about myself - I would feel a lot better if I had fab clothes and a slim bod, but FFS! I feel like I'm struggling to keep my head above water at the moment. A massage and a bunch of flowers might have been a nicer thought. I don't want to think about self-improvement when I'm struggling to get the basics done every day. I think it's just an insensitivity about him that I will have to learn to manage. But to me, this does underline just how out of tune he is with me.

I just feel like I have to do all the thinking for everything - every aspect of our son's care and upbringing, the running of the house, my doctorate, our social lives, rare holidays, cooking, cleaning, everything health related (and I've had quite a few serious health problems recently), the kind of ways in which he might be able to make me feel better with explicit instructions, when to stop, when to go, when to say yes, no, not now and on and on and on and then still have the energy for feisty sex at 11.30pm. I know he works all day, I know he's tired, that's why I'm breaking my fucking back trying to make his life easier. And no, he never 'takes over' as soon as he gets home - it just doesn't work like that.

And we're getting married in 3 weeks. Yay.

Oh beachtent. You need to take a step back. When you listed all the things you feel you are responsible for I thought you were going to explode, and I'm sure that's how you feel. BUT, thinking about booking a holiday shouldn't be such an issue that it even makes your to do list. If I was to list all the things I'm responsible for I'd have a breakdown, so I don't mentally make those lists.

Think only of what you need to do to get through the day. I mean that in a positive way. What do you need to do on Monday for example? Hoover, take your son to the park, make lunch, go to the dry cleaners, have a friend and their child round for a playdate, make dinner. That's do-able.

My dh isn't the most vocal. He never buys me flowers. He rarely arranges for a night out. But I have to accept that's the way he is, rather than spending the next 30 years having a go at him. It won't accomplish anything. Think of the good things about your partner. You're marrying him. You love him. (?) Why? OK, he's rubbish at housework. But what are the things that matter long term. He loves you!

You and I are very similar. My husband mentioned years ago something about how I should do some more exercise. He said it in a bumbling awkward way that made me go WHHHAAT??!! But when I actually thought about it, I DID need to lose weight, I DID want to exercise like I used to do years ago. So I did take up exercise and felt better for it. MUCH better. That would be a way of getting out the house, wouldn't it? Three times a week you could go for a run, go to the gym, go for a swim. You'd be getting fitter, feeling better and getting a break from the 4 walls. And then your mum/mum in law could babysit every weekend or every other weekend for a night out for both of you. One week you choose, then next week he can. He might struggle initially to think of where to go, but I bet he starts to really enjoy it.

You need to talk to him. But not nag. Not that I'm suggesting you will, but I did. And it doesn't help. You both need to discuss what you both need to do to change this. The resentment will build up and build up and you seriously don't want that kind of marriage.

Oh dear, I hear a marriage of two perfectionists, it can be quite tiring to try to be the optimum mum/worker/homeworker/housekeeper/slim/well-dressed etc...I'm guessing your husband suggested this stuff to give you some time to yourself and to pamper you (it doesn't sound like he was saying it in a nasty way, I may be wrong) but how it comes across to you is as another set of pressures and 'things to do'. My husband also thinks suggesting I go to the gym is helpful when I'm moaning about being exhausted. Well, yes, but sometimes you just want a night off, not another set of tasks to be done.

I think in this situation, you need to be as direct as he is with you, stop doing every tiny 'extra' for him, focus on the couple of things which are really important for him, then let him know your needs really clearly. So: 'I'm tired and my health problem is bad today: can you take DS for a day out to give me a rest?' or whatever. If you carry on doing everything, especially in a 'hidden' way, you will do too much, get too tired and feel completely under-appreciated.

I suspect you are a bit nervous about the wedding too, I wonder if you are getting quite anxious and worrying about him/the relationship as a focus for this. I find doing meditation/relaxation exercises (I use a portable headphones) really helpful and allows me to be a bit calmer and take a step back.

Fartmeister, sounds like our husbands are similar too!

I just think there are many reasons why I married him - and the lack of rose buying/arranging nights out/ability to clean the toilet pale into insignificance compared to those reasons.

cleaner,night out, glass of wine all in that order.Also be mindful this situation will not go on forever, even though it probably feels like it at the moment.

Ah blast! Just typed a long reply, then something weird happened and it all disappeared! Oh well.

Just wanted to say - thank you. Thank you all for being so kind and generous and taking the time to reply so thoughtfully. I was worried someone was going to tell me just to sort myself out and not be so finickety, so it's very reassuring to know that I'm not alone, and that how I'm feeling isn't a sign I've totally lost the plot!

onetoomany I think you're right about the upcoming wedding stirring up a lot of things for me, and in a way I'm glad it is, since it's far better I think about these things now. But I really do want to marry him and am certain I will feel proud to be his wife. He is a lovely man, and I don't want to let the daily grind of domestic life wear our love thin, because it shouldn't (and won't, so long as we have a cleaner! )

And fartmeister your husband sounds very similar to mine! The things that drive me nuts about him are so intertwined with the things that I love about him, I daren't try to change him. I do think it is disrespectful to think you can change someone, so I intend to try as hard as I can to adapt to him, just as he does with me. But sometimes it is hard. And about the holiday being included on my 'to do' list - that's been a bit of a sticking point with us since dp would never feel the need to go on holiday, ever, or take a break from work, ever. He's just like that. But I'm the kind of person that needs regular breaks away - I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel if I don't (plus I just love travelling). So it's another thing of 'I don't need it, so I'm not going to think about it, ever'. And that annoys me - but I'll get over it!