This is my very first post although I?ve been bit of a lurker since the birth of my DGS 9 months ago. Please be patient with me while I sort out the acronyms and abbreviations etc. This is not really my issue but having been asked for advice from my DIL I thought I would ask for other people?s thoughts and advice. It is a bit of a long post so I am thanking you in advance if you get to the end!
I just want to give a bit of background (which I realise is completely irrelevant but may help you understand my involvement). My DS (21) met my DIL (22) an extremely short time before DGS was conceived. DIL has had a troubled childhood, went through an emotional court case at the age of 16 (resulting in her leaving school with little or no qualifications), has many family issues and some (understandably) insecurities. When DS and DIL met she had just returned from a few weeks volunteering in Africa and wasn?t working. She has had a few jobs since leaving school including care work, shop work etc. DS is not a high earner (min. wage) but with a little help managed to secure a mortgage on a little cottage and is very determined that DIL and DGS will have as secure and stable life as he can give them.
Following the birth of DGS, DIL suffered from PND. We (DH, myself and all the rest of our extended and close family) have given them as much support as we can ? I love DIL which is probably why this has upset me so much today as I feel so hurt for her.
DIL was very overwhelmed as new mums can be and found being with people is a lot easier. As I mentioned, the whole family rallied round with support and encouragement and lots of coffee and cake! DS?s Godmother (my best friend) has her and DGS for lunch on a Tuesday, my mother takes them out on Wednesday and we encouraged her to go to baby group etc. to meet other new mums. She would count the weeks down until half term/ Christmas break etc so that I would be off work and she could spend the day time with me which is lovely when I read some of the posts about the dreaded MIL. DGS also goes to amazing nursery one day a week to give DIL a break.
Anyway by the time DGS was six months old DIL found a little job at a little coffee shop that we frequent. It is a charity run shop and was a paid position for 12 hours a week. She filled in an application form specifying the days that she could work (Friday as DGS is at nursery, Wednesday as her own Nanna and my mum could share the care and Saturdays as DS is at home ? or me during the rugby season!!)
She also offered at the interview to cover holidays and sickness when possible---any school holiday as I am available and if she is given enough notice to arrange childcare at other times. She has stated from the beginning that she can never work on a Tuesday (except in school holidays) as she has no child care.
Since she began in April she has worked an average of 22 hours a week. This has included a couple of full time weeks and 16 hours on other weeks. Her work has proved satisfactory and she has gone in at short notice. She has also worked occasionally as a volunteer in times of dire need! She was told that there would be a possibility of 16 hours contracted work as opposed to ad hoc which would then mean that they would be eligible for help with Childcare tax credits. She loves this job and enjoys working with the other paid assistant and the volunteers.
Two weeks ago her Granddad died suddenly in the early hours of a day she was due to work. She doesn?t have a great relationship with her mum and her grandparents have played a large part in bringing her up. She lived with them at particular troubling times. She came to me in the early morning extremely distraught and at my suggestion she phoned work and said she wouldn?t be in that day.
She went back to work the next time she was due in and was asked to cover for the other paid assistant to work the day of her Granddad?s funeral. Obviously she declined. The day following the funeral she was due to work again. Following the funeral service DS came to collect DGS from me as DIL was going to spend some time with her family. From the sound of it huge rows broke out between DIL?s family members. DIL was accused of trying to be ?someone? because she BF for a few weeks, delayed solids until 6 months, sends DGS to a nursery and needed to F* off to her ?perfect little family?. She was also accused of ?palming? DGS off to her Nanna. The past (court case etc) was also brought up and DIL was considerably distressed by it all as was her poor bereaved Nanna.
She phoned her colleague that night as her line manager was off work due to her own family bereavement and asked her to work the following day for her and she would return the ?swap?. Without going into details she mentioned that her Nanna would be unable to have the baby due to the bereavement (my mum was on holiday)
and also she (DIL) was extremely distressed herself. The colleague agreed to cover her shift. The next day colleague popped into work but did not mention that DIL had phoned her or that she had agreed to cover the shift. DIL got a call asking where she was and once explained was told that it was fine. A couple of weeks have passed.
Today (the point of my post) DIL went to work and was told that if she wants to increase her hours she needs to ?prove? herself and that it is her job to ?support? the other colleague. It was a very negative conversation but no mention has been made of why the other girl agreed to work and then did not turn in. She came home once again distraught. She had asked what she could do to ?prove? herself but was not given an answer. The other colleague keeps threatening to resign when she can?t get a day off that she wants!
So I suppose my AIBU is my suggestion that it may help if DIL writes down all the circumstances of the last few weeks including the extra hours, the circumstances of the colleague not turning in etc. I think she feels like she did not fight her own corner today. Do you think this may make a bad situation worse?
Apologies for the extremely long post, other perspectives would be much appreciated!