AIBU to think that 2 is too young to teach children to hit back if someone hits them?

[DetectivePotato]

At toddler group yesterday and they were all 'on form', pushing each other etc. They are all between 2 and 3 and at similar stages of development. My friend and I saw a girl push my DS and he pushed her back, ensuing a pushing battle between them. I took DS away and told him it is naughty to push others and we don't do it. My friend then said that she is teaching her DD to hit others back if they hit her first. Her DD has only just turned 2 so she is younger than quite a few of the toddlers there who are nearing 3.

She did say its probably too young to do it, but carried on telling her DD anyway. I did point out that I would tell this to DS when he was older and at school, but at this age I think they are a bit young to be taught that, especially with loads of toddlers all going through the hitting/pushing stages at the moment. I just said I preferred to tell him it was wrong to hit.

Your friend sounds like an idiot imho. I don't think it is EVER a good age to tell your child that.

Children who hit back when others hit them will end up in trouble at school etc. It is not acceptable.

I was secretly pleased when DD(2) belted the 5-year-old boy who hit her and reduced him to tears the other day, but I think I managed a straight face when I told her not to hit back, regardless of the provocation...

What Janeite said.

Mind you - I remember the mother telling my then 18 month old ds to be careful as the little girl he'd pushed (and been told off for doing so by me) had a big brother who would get him!

I do think she may have problems with her DD in the future with some of her ways. She threatens punishments a lot but doesn't actually carry them through until they have been threatened numerous times, then she does the 'punishment', time out - holding her DD on her lap. Her DD gets upset and she cuddles her and asks her whats wrong.

I'm not a perfect mother at all but I do keep my opinions to myself on that one.

quitely pleased is fine...
actively incouraging violence is wrong.
always wrong.

imho

The problem with teaching children to retaliate is that they are going to be given a very different message at school. Having two opposite messages given to them by home and school is going to cause all sorts of problems for the child. They will be punished for hitting back at school and, as a rule, it's wise that these two aspects of their lives are harmonious. Obviously there will be times when, as parents, we don't wholly agree with an aspect of school life, but to have this discrepancy so blatently demonstrated to a child is not a good situation as it means that the child has split loyalties.
Therefore, 2 is too young, but so is 3,4,5,6 etc. It's not the age that is the problem, rather the message that is being conveyed to the child. Older children can, however, be taught that it's okay to sometimes have a difference of opinion but that it's important to respect others' views - especially when in their company.

Please don't tell your ds to hit back when he starts school. Not only will he get into trouble but sometimes children can't tell the difference between being bumped/struck accidently or on purpose. As far as they are concerned they have been 'hit' both times. An incident at school once - a girl was running up the playground, she collided with another girl and fell against a boy. He turned round and punched her. Not nice at all.

Your friend is BVU. It is never acceptable to teach a child to hit, whether it is in retaliation or not. She and her DD will encounter problems in nursery/ school with attitudes like that Encouraging violence is always wrong, no matter what the provocation is.

YABU because it is simply not acceptable to give your child that lesson at any age.

I think most of you being unreasonable I'm afraid.

It's never ever ever ok to teach children to retaliate to violence with more violence.

Ever.

Full stop.

I agree - why is it ever all right to say children shoukd hit back? You don't retaliate with violence. End of.

I meant (after reading the thread in Chat) that if my DS is being bullied and the whole, walk away, just ignore approach just isn't working, I would tell him to stand up for himself. Sometimes it is the only way to get rid of a bully. Sorry I really didn't explain myself well in the post. I certainly wouldn't want him to hit someone who accidently bumped into him or anything.

Sorry, didn't do the maths...

some of you...

not most of you.

I think it's always wrong to teach any child to ansewr violence with violence. I do, however, think it's also necessary to teach that violence may sometimes be necessary - this should be taught at an age when the child is both capable of discussion around this moral challenge, and to learn how to fight effectively.

YANBU but some people might think I am!
But I don't care, because I know how to fight

I wonder how many of the teenagers who carry knives and go looking for fights have parents who encouraged them to hit back when they were toddlers.

Or, Just13, how many adults who are professional, responsible and respectable members of society despite some of us being told, "Don't start it but make sure you finish it darling"?

YANBU. It's never a good idea to tell a child to hit someone back.

I have just remembered that my dad always told me to hit someone back if they hit me.
The only time I ever did, was when I was being bullied at age 13. It was verbal at first, then she kicked me on the stairs going into Biology. I immediately kicked her back, which stopped her completely in her tracks and she never bothered me again. And I was a sort of school hero for a while afterwards too.
I am perfectly professional, responsible and respectable now though

purepurple thats the sort of situation where I think it is ok to stand up for yourself.

I was told to hit back (in response to bullying) and most in my family were. We have never carried knives in our lives.

I HATE it when children are told to hit back. I have a friend who tells her son to do it and I really disagree.

I have always taught my eldest son (19) to walk away and to never hit back or fight...on a night out last year a fight started and some freinds of his were involved,one of the lads got hit had was knocked over hitting his head and ending up in a coma. My son went to another bar, the lad died and my sons freind is in prison.
Had I not always taught him to walk away I think he would have got involved and ended up inside too, teaching him never to hit back saved him from prison or worse...

Your friend is wrong to actively encourage her child to hit back.

However on one particular trip to the park a boy of about 5 seemed to be following my DD aged 2 around like he was looking for a fight. He shoved her yelled in her face pushed past her. His mum did eff all I must have told him to bugger off leave my daughter alone about 5 times but in the end I said to her she needs to tell him to leave her alone and she did.

"You leave me alone bad boy! I do not like you" in a voice like the queen followed by a hefty shove had had him floored. He left alone not been near her since. I did tell her in a smug stern voice "DD 2 wrongs dont make a right, no shoving"