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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to let my DS make up his own mind?

14 replies

feedmenow · 14/07/2010 18:35

Ex DP moved out over a year ago. I have tried very hard to keep things as amicable as possible for DS (8) and DD (18mths).

This is all made a lot harder as I work with ex dp!!

The children see him a few times a week (he mostly comes here to see them)and are with him every other weekend. I let DS ring his dad whenever he wants.

Every day, ex dp says to me "Get DS to ring me later", so most days I remind DS to give him a call. But sometimes I forget or sometimes DS forgets. Then ex dp rings him and says "why didn't you call me?".

I over heard DS the other day answer the phone to his dad saying "I was just about to ring you...." as if he had to explain himself.

Well, I don't think DS should HAVE to ring his dad every day. I think he should ring him when he wants to. And if days went by without him ringing I would probably prompt him.

Today ex dp said to me "Get DS to ring me". So I explained to him that I thought we should leave it to DS, told him that I thought it was unfair pressure on DS.

Ex dp, of course, got unpleasant about this.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
Callisto · 14/07/2010 18:42

Not at all fair to expect an 8yo to call his father every day. Your ex is being rather childish and manipulative imo.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/07/2010 18:46

Why can't XP phone his DS?

overmydeadbody · 14/07/2010 18:48

YANBU

Of course it should be DS's schoice.

If his dad wants to talk to him, he should call ds, and if DS doesn't want to talk, he should just say "not noe dad, I'm busy" or whatever.

Original poster
feedmenow · 14/07/2010 18:49

Whereyouleftit, he does phone DS, but he often ends up rining when we're eating/bathing/children going to bed, etc. So it's easier for DS to phone him at a time that suits us.

Callisto, thank you for saying exactly what I'm thinking!

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 14/07/2010 18:50

i agree, leave your son to contact his dad when he wants to. and your ex dp, being a grown man, can of course ring his son himself if he wants to speak to him, without all the "why didn't yoiu ring me" crap.

Lonnie · 14/07/2010 19:06

I can see where you are coming from but cant you also see where your XP is coming from? He is missing his children and thats hard. So instead of saying "I dont want to put pressure on ds" why dont you say. Listen its hard for him to remember he is only 8 and sometimes life just takes over and I forget why dont you call I wont mind and I know its important you speak and are close with him still.

that way he wont feel like your trying to sabortage his relationship with his son and you wont feel like your son is having to do somethign you dotn want him to have to do

WidowWadman · 14/07/2010 19:17

So basically you're saying that it doesn't suit you when your ex makes an effort to ring his son, but don't want to remind your son to be in touch with his father either.

I can understand the ex's disappointment. How about agreeing a time when it is ok for him to ring his son, so he his calls aren't an inconvenience?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 14/07/2010 19:19

Your DS is 8. Do you allow him to decide when/whether to do his homework, eat his meals, bathe and dress? Or do you pressure/nag/remind him to do these things?

Is his relationship with his father any less important?

ivykaty44 · 14/07/2010 19:24

Why does he have to call his father? Why can't his father text him and see if he is free to talk on the phone?

tbh I wonder if his father forgets and this is why he asks you to remind about the phone call - as then the onus is on you to remember and not either him

lazarusb · 14/07/2010 19:44

Can you ask his father to ring at a time when you can mostly guarantee ds will be free for 10 mins, half an hour before bed for example? Wouldn't you want to talk to your children daily if the situation was reversed?

hairytriangle · 14/07/2010 21:39

I disagree with Callisto. Just because you are seperated, he still has the right to have as much contact with his kids as he wants (and as they want).

I really do hate this thing where women get custody and the man seems to them come second as parent.

We hear a lot about hopeless fathers - but never about the fathers who are pushed out of their kids lives, just because the parents are seperated.

I'm not accusing the OP of pushing her ex out of the kids lives, but it really does grind my gears when parents with custody think its unreasonable that non-resident parents want to have contact with their kids on a daily basis!

(I am a woman, btw)

pithyslicker · 14/07/2010 21:51

I'm separated from my ex and we do shared care. The children speak or see both parents every day. That is what the children want to do and it is supported and encouraged by both of us, makes for two happier children in a crappy situation.

hairytriangle · 14/07/2010 21:52

That's really lovely pithyslicker

ivykaty44 · 14/07/2010 22:42

I have a friend who does take shared care seriously - he has the chidlren from Wednesday night through to the Mnday morning or tuedays morning - then the dc stay with the mum on the others weekend

This though is differnet from the dc being all week with the one parent

OP - can you ask your ex dp to have the dc more and then there will not be a need for so many phone calls?

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