About My Step Children/the ex wife?

[midori1999]

I have a DSS, aged 13 and a DSD aged almost 18. (her birthday is next month) Their Mother is and always has been difficult, refuses to meet me, speak to me, throws a strop if we park outside her house in the street as I am then apparently 'coming to her door', except I always stay by the car as she has made it clear she doesn't wish to meet me.

We live in Northern Ireland due to DH's work, the children live in the South of England, so logistically acess is difficult. The ex refuses to allow DSC to travel unaccompanied on a plane, despite the fact that this would mean DH could see the children more often, due to both time constraints and finances.

DH and I want his children to come and stay for two week during the summer, whilst my own children are with their own Dad, so that we can give DSC our full attention. The ex wife says the children do not want to stay with us as they don't like it/me, but the children are saying they want to stay, although there are some problems with DSD getting time off work. The ex wife wants DH to go and stay where they live for a week or so to see them, but this means DH will have to find accomodation as he is not welcome to stay at their house, and will then have to take them out all day every day as he has in the past.

I don't want DH to stay there. Partly due to finances, and partly due to the fact we lost our twin girls very recently after a very difficult pregnancy when they were born very prematurely and sadly neither survived. I am finding things difficult and it is harder when DH is away. Plus, we are trying to concieve again and there are time limits on that due to his work and concerns with my health during a future pregnancy. Obviously the more he is away, the less likely we are to concieve.

The ex has thrown all her toys out of the pram and is making it very difficult for the children to come over here. I feel that is DSD has other commitments, then that is a real shame, but DH can see her when he collects/drops off DSS, or we have offered to have DSD for a few days and then fly her back alone so she can be at work. I also feel that she is almost an adult and for how long should he be expected to visit around her life? until she is 21, 30? Has children of her own? DH agress that as an adult DSD should accept things regarding access will change, but his ex is making him feel guilty/using emotional blackmail.

Surely it's normal for access arrangements to change once a child reaches adulthood?

YANBU
The ex is being deliberately and childishly unreasonable due to obvious jealousy.
I am so sorry to hear that you lost your babies, and I wouldn't expect you to be coping well alone at such an awful time.
As you say your step daughter is old enough to make her own decisions and arrangements.
A boy of 13 should also be open to reason I would think, and might welcome an open explanation of what his mother is doing/planning, rather than think perhaps his father is not too bothered about seeing him.

I am very sorry for your loss.

Why do you need to discuss visits with your stepdaughter's mother if she is an adult? Just talk directly to the step-daughter.

"You are an adult now, any arrangements are made between us as adults."

You don't need the mother's permission for an adult to visit you!

I am really of the opinion that you should, now the girl is 18 (well, she as good as is!) just cut out the mother and deal directly with her.

Oh I know how you feel, I am too going through the same thing where the ex wife makes the access very difficult and will always interfear. I know where you come from when you say the eldest is 18 it will never stop as these type of women are obviously bored and have all the spare time in the world to make your life hardwork.

My advise to you is not to rise to her and however hard it gets just remember she is not doing the children any favors in the long run!

Keep your chin up and smile

Midori, I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles too, midori. I must say that, as someone who was brought up in England and Northern Ireland I am amazed at the ex-wife's refusal to let these children (if you can call an almost 18 a child) travel unaccompanied. For sure, I'd never have got home at all if that'd been my mother's rule!

However, you are clearly lumbered with this wretched woman and her unreasonable demands so I think you have to be firm about how these visits can take place. For sure, it is perfectly reasonable to deal directly with your DSD. It may well be that she'd rather have a series of short visits that fit around work and the other commitments she'd be expected to have at this age and with airfares so cheap, I'm sure this wouldn't be impossible. Her mother should not be involved in the access arrangements of an adult in any case. "Access" itself being an inappropriate term.

At 13, your DSS is also certainly old enough to state his preferences directly although I can understand him not wanting to upset the parent he lives with. But I think your DH may have to lay some rules down here and say that while he'll (reluctantly) accept the need to collect his son, this is purely to bring him to England for a visit. Which is where visits will be taking place.

I am extremely sorry for your loss. Your DH ex is being VU IMO. My dad lived in Jersey my mum in Wales I started flying unaccompanied at 8YO. My mum took me right up to the plane my dad was allowed to meet me at the other side so I stepped off the plane and there he was, I had loads of tags saying unaccompanied minor and sat next to a air hostess.

They even used to take me in the cock pit which was great for story telling . The no flying unaccompanied thing is a excuse. I would say that in that case your DH ex has two choices you can stay down there due to your recent loss with your DH or the dc can come to you no negotiations. Hope this gets sorted soon and wish you luck TTC.

totally agree that all talk of access to an 18 year old is just non-sense.......it's up to her at that age, not her mother, and you should just deal with her direct.

In terms of flying alone, DSS wouldn't be alone, he would be flying accompanied by an adult (his sister). Failing that I guess the only other option is for DH to fly over and collect DSS. Can't see how the X could argue with that tbh........

Is there any kind of written/legal agreement regarding access? I guess that's your route if the x is really digging her heels in.

Yes I agree with diamondsandtiaras if you make the stand once and pay for your DH to fly both ways with them she will probably back down next year.

YANBU she is. I dont get why people have to so blatantly use their kids as weapons like this.

Even though both kids are old enough to speak their mind it isn't easy especially if their mum is as overbearing as she seems to be.

Sorry for your loss midori.

Thanks. DH has arranged to collect them in the car/ferry, although we haven't confirmed arrangements yet and DSD may not be able to come this time, he is speaking to his ex tonight.

I don't think she'll budge on not letting DSS fly with his sister, I think she is being deliberately difficult. This has been going on for the two years we have been living here. She says they cannot be trusted to behave together, yet she leaves them home alone together, when IMO there is far more chance of problems occurring.

It's such a shame as she then puts ideas into their heads that their Dad doesn't care about them (he hasn't seen them since Christmas as I was on complete bedrest and in and out of hospital since February, but he does phone them twice a week without fail) obviously if she'd have let them fly alone they could have come over in that time. The children seem to be the ones losing out here, and DSD is having some problems.

The daughter is old enough to make her own mind up now. I wouldn't go through the mother for contact.

I hate that ex partners treat their children like this. It makes life so hard for the dcs.

That's a bit odd alright. My X comes to see the children occasionally but I really don't like him being in my World iyswim. When the children are older I would rather they went to him than he hung around for a whole week. I'd be scared of bumping into him.

Maybe she's threatened by her daughters relationship with YOU. Basically she doesn't want you to have one with them at all. I understand that a bit, but it' hard for me to understand totally as anybody my x met would be less awful than him, so I always feel better when he is with somebody as he's less bitter and angry and awkward. But I left him. Did your husband leave her?

PS I think a responsible 18 year old could accompany a 13 year old between two English speaking countries without coming to any harm. It's an adventure, or feels like one!

YANBU

My neice and nephew have been travelling unaccompanied on airplanes across the Atlantic twice a year to see their Dad. Since they were 11 & 8! They are now 18 & 15 and my ex SIl doesn't even bother to drive them to the airport anymore - they have to do a 4 hour train journey in the UK by themselves now!

Communicate directly with the step children direct on their mobiles. Facebook is also good for communicating with them.

Once the older one is actually 18 she is allowed to accompany the younger one anyway.

I think i have read your previous thread on the same subject...

(am I right that your husband is in the army and that you live on an army base in Northern Ireland? And that you chose to move away from where his children were living due to a higher wage?)

I think in the end your husbands ex-wife maybe did not want the children travelling alone to NI or staying on an army base due to security.

And because it was your choice to move away for your husbands career that it would only be fair that he did the travelling to see his children.

At 13 I would not be comfortable with my son being put in this position. (especially with the troubles that are going on atm)

These things tend not to always be black and white, I think the BM has her childrens welfare at heart as she seems to have done nothing to prevent their father from seeing them.

littlemoominmamma, no we did not choose to move to NI for a higher wage, we had no choice in the matter, my DH has to go where the army send him.

If his ex wife is worried about security, she has never said so, she simply says the children cannot be trusted to travel alone together as they won't behave. I wish I could believe she had the children's best interests at heart, but I genuinely believe she is being deliberately difficult.

DH text her when our second twin died at 9 days old, asking if she could tell the DSC, as he wanted them to know, but really wasn't up to speaking to anyone. She didn't text back and then when he was up to ringing them, he text her again to ask if she'd been able to speak to them so when he spoke to them he knew what they had been told, and she didn't text back. He text her three times and then tried to ring her mobile but got no reply, so he then had to ring the children not knowing if they even knew their sister had died. She also caused a fuss as the DSC weren't really able to come to the funeral as it meant DH going over to collect them and then taking them back, plus he hadn't seen them for some time and it wasn't the best circumstances to see them in. Then she said she wouldn't have let them attend the funeral anyway. I just don't know how anyone can behave like that when someone's children have died. She is bitter and lonely and likes causing trouble, sadly it is her children who are suffering.

Littlemoominmama if your partner is is the Forces he doesn't have a say in where he goes! It sounds as if even if the OP had chosen to live apart from her DH and be close to her step children their mother wouldn't have allowed them to spend time there anyway.

I used to fly to Spain alone to visit my GPs from when I was 8, and left to travel around South America when I was 18 so I certainly do think that it's not unreasonable to think an 18yr old can travel with her 13 yr old brother to a guarded amy base in NI.

Deal with the 18 yr old direct in the future and hopefully the 13 yr old will be sensible too when he's older. Personally I feel that the prevention of letting a 13yr old spend 1hr on a plane to be collected at the other end can only be born of spite rather than that childs best interests (to develop a good relationship with his father).

I hope it's not impacting on your own health.

I do get very irritated with people assuming that Northern Ireland is a war zone. Sure, the last few days have been difficult in Belfast (it's the sodding marching season) but normal life over there is precisely that - normal!

As for the nonsense about it being the OP's DH to be the one who travels to visit because he had the audacity to move, well that's utter nonsense too.

I agree with SnailWhaleTail that this is all about spite and little to do with the best interest of the OP's stepchildren.

I am only going on what was said on the previous thread, where she said they did have a choice and it was a career move.

Having a father in the services I am aware that you are given a say in where you go (especially NI) and that being seperated from children is considered compasionate grounds. i.e. my father said no to going to Malta to live for 5 years.

I don't see your problem with them travelling accompanied on the ferry, I have been on it many times with my children and they find it quite fun.

Although some mums are happy to let their children fly unaccompanied some are definately not, you cannot force this mum to put her children unaccompanied on a plane.

I realise things would be a lot easier for you if all you had to do was pick them up from the airport but if you see them as little as you say you do I don't see the harm in your husband picking them up - maybe his ex-wife could drive them to the ferry terminal.

I agree gloria, I travel to Belfast alot to stay and it can be grand, however I have also seen it when it has not been so grand and we cannot pretend that it is sometimes not very "normal" (I am not ignorant of the situation in NI and I do not wear rose tinted glasses either)

OP had every right to move as you have stated BUT cannot expect not to have to do any of the travelling to pick up children.

I have never said that we had any choice, and we never have had a choice, so that may have been someone else? DH was posted to NI before we were married. The choice of postings is not what it used to be, you can only now specify 'north' (under which NI comes) 'south' or 'abroad' and there is no absolute guarantee that you will get what you ask for.

There's no real problem with travelling with the children on the ferry, except it limits how often he sees the children, as it requires an overnight journey each way and would use up two travel warrants, of which we only get three per year, and costs around £300 plus each return journey if we have to pay for it ourselves. Obviously he hasn't been able to see them as much as he/they want due to what has been going on here recently, but if they could make flights themslves, it's not unrealistic he could see them one weekend a month and have also seen them during the last few months when things have been difficult.

I don't know if your Dad is still in LMM, but you are not given a say; you go where you are required. You may negotiate where if you are lucky, but it doesn't always work that way, believe me.

Being separated from your children is not compassionate grounds, absolute rubbish; you either put them in boarding school, weekend, or move your family with you. I have 44 years experience of the services as a daughter and wife, and your info is woefully outdated - afaik, we don't have any service personnel in Malta, and haven't done since 1979.

The chances of his ex wife driving them to the ferry port are zero, she will not take them past their front door to facilitate DH seeing them.

Ha! Posting orders as an option or polite request?!

Har har de har har har!

Midori I do hope that you find a way around this so that everyone is happy - I do think you should do some of the travelling, I understand that the children are living in the "south" so maybe "north" was not a good choice (sorry, just my opinion)

I don't think this BM is being so terribly out of order not wanting her children to fly alone (this seems to be her only request and she seems to not be preventing any contact)

If you get three travel warrents a year you don't even have to pay for the ferry for three trips so this free travel could be seen as a bonus.

Children need fathers, and fathers sometimes have to make huge efforts to see their children but apart from the children not flying alone there seems to be nothing preventing this.

Some airlines provide a service to accompany children. (Maybe it is not the mum but the children who are not confident enough to fly alone.)

Midori stay strong...you have been through an awful time.

She sounds like a terrible mother putting her emotions first and not the needs of her children.