I know IABU but I really cannot get on with my mother (& I am almost 40)

[Romilly70]

(Bit of background, bear with me please: we usually live in France and DP and I are here in the UK for about 6 weeks whilst we move his mum into a new house and refurbish it for her. Also I am 24 weeks pg with baby#1.

While we are here, we are staying with my parents in the house I grew up in and there is tonnes of room. I guess part of the problem is I also think of this as ?my house? as I grew up here and as DP and I have only been together for just over 2 years, we haven?t had a chance to buy a place together yet and I didn?t have a house just a one bedroomed flat in London, before I moved to France.)

My mum is doing her best to just keep out of my way, but her very existence just seems to wind me up. I have even had therapy in the past about this; she used to whack me a lot when I was young and yell at me, a lot to do with her own unhappiness. She also falsely accused my dad of lots of things; affairs etc, which were all rubbish, but generally made my childhood and teenage years pretty fraught.

She has now turned to religion in a big way; goes to church every day, and has religious pictures all over the house, which she kisses every time she sees them ? on waking, leaving the house, coming in and before going to bed. This winds me up so much?. She definitely considers God to be her no.1 priority and says her religion is her way of coping. (This bit is the part I find rich, as she has never worked in her life, has plenty of money and has time to do volunteer work so that she can feel appreciated and valued which is how I guess she deals with her own self esteem issues.)

My Dad has told me very calmly that her behaviour doesn?t bother him; so I should just let her get on with it and just try to be interested in what she is doing.

DP has said that what goes on between my parents is their decision and I should not interfere.

It is so childish I know, but I just don?t like my mum & find her irritating. I know my mum and I are both being equally stubborn and to be fair to her, she is trying to keep out of my way as I have been having really bad palpitations with confrontational stress and also, when she and I get into a row, I can feel the baby kicking like mad and I am afraid he is getting upset.

I really know IABU, but this pattern has been set since I was about 5 years old and I don?t know how to break it. I really don?t want me DS to grow up hating me as he has felt me hating my mum in the womb. I also want to try and have a decent relationship with my mum.

(I am prepared to be flamed, but I am also desperate for some Mumsnet words of wisdom.)

You can't stay in someone's house and then slag them off when they've been good enough to let you stay.

Do yourself and your baby a favour, move out and find somewhere else to stay if she drives you mad. It's her house, not yours.

I'm flabbergasted at your cheek really even if your mum is toxic.

If you've got issues with the way she parented you, then deal with that but don't stay in her house and bleat about how much she annoys you.

Sounds like you've both got a bit of growing up to do.

I am curious why you have gone to stay there if your mother makes you feel so bad, espicially if you are PG and it appears to be affecting your baby. Can you not stay somewhere else or even do a long stay at a hotel or aparthotel? it may cost but better than feeling like this and putting strain on yourself and baby.

You obviously have unresolved issues with your mum which is likely to be the root cause of your feelings. The only suggestion i have to try overcome this is therapy and speaking to your mother about this. However, it maybe better to wait until after your pregnancy and once your are settled with your baby to do this as it will probably be very stressful and upsetting and being pregnant is not a good time. If you tell yourself you will try and get some help to deal with your issues after your baby is born and set this as a goal and try and put your bad feelings about your mum to one side for now.

I have alot of unresolved issues with my dad and feel very much like you do about your mum. However, i would never even spend one night at my dads house for this very reason.

Hope all goes will with baby!

It's really hard to break the habit of a lifetime.

How about writing down some typical examples of what she does that annoys you - and then come up with some alternative ways of responding (verbally or just in your attitude).

You could think about how someone else might respond to her without your history.

Visualise yourself acting differently.

This gives you a 'practice run' for real life, when it's all too easy to resort to your standard reflex.

My dad used to drive me nuts but I've been able to just accept him as he is and it makes for much more peace - not only between us but also within me!

Good luck!

Fuck me, harsh comment. Op's mum whacked her about and made her childhood a misery! She is also having panic attacks and is pg. Have a heart.

Dc of toxic parents are usually the ones who cannot extricate themselves as adults. For many reasons. One of them - constantly seeking approval and hoping things will change. Also misplaced guilt and a feeling that they 'owe' their parents (because their parents were never satisfied with them).

Anyhow, I am NOT a therapist but I DO have a toxic mum.

My advice - get away from her as soon as you can and live wherever you can. It's really unhealthy for you. Then get therapy. Can you talk to your dh? Does he understand?

thank you, I appreciate the comments and they have given me food for thought.

I guess the reason we stay in my parents house is, if I'm honest, convenience. As I am still transitioning to France, a lot of my stuff is still here which I am sorting through, before we take it all over. (Also we couldn't really afford to stay anywhere else.)
The other thing is, I absolutely adore my dad and it is a pleasure to spend time with him. Also DP is pretty good at keeping me calm and seems to know how to handle my mum, with the right amount of attention (which is basically all she wants.)

My mum is not a nightmare all the time; there is no comparison to how she was during my childhood. Everytime I have visited we usually have some kind of disagreement; both strong personalities, but it tends to blow over and then off I trot to france and when she next sees me she is very happy and loving for a couple of days then we all revert back to old patterns.

I guess being back in the childhood home, there seems to be a lot of triggers to how we both used to act out when I was a kid. My mum once said to me that I have an idealistic view of what family life is like. I guess I need to give up trying to change her / punish her.

I did find therapy really exhausting, like a huge emotional detox, and It's not something I want to do at the moment, but will maybe revisit when the baby is born. Ditto, trying to speak to my mum, it invitable ends up in a huge row, as we both think we are right.

Well as I now have the baby to consider, and he is my no.1 priority i am going to just keep out of her way for the next 3 weeks, till we can go home and just agree with her to keep the peace. Even whilst typing all this I can feel my heart rate going up cos I have to engage with her by thinking about her.

anyway, thanks for all your advice, i will try to break my patterns of how I respond to her and see if that helps...

Me and my mum are also in a dispute situation (and I too am 40 and a lot of it goes way back). I took the plunge and asked her to go to counselling wiht me to try to improve our relationship. We had our first session last week, it was hard but we definiately are making more progress than we have in the last 25 years

Romily whilst you are living with your mum what about trying this old technique which will help you to feel better.

All you have to do is pray for good things for your mother. If you are not a religious type (as I suspect) then sit down somwhere quiet and spend some time wishing good things for your mum.

I don't know why it works but it does.

I'm not sure you are out of order wrt the comments you've made about your mum, I think that when you return to your parents house, where you've grown up and are in the company of parents, it's natural to revert to how things were when you were there before.

As others have said try to change something about your response (otherwise you'll be forever stuck in the rut you were prior to leaving). Think of something in advance even if it's something that's crazy or inappropriate. What if when you're annoyed with her, insead of arguing you just said " I'm going to put the kettle on and have 15 mins to myself" or "I'll get my coat and have a walk around the garden".

You're right not to stress on your baby's behalf.
Good luck hun!

twinterror I did ask my mum to come to counselling before with me about 3 years ago, but she refused; saying she didn't need it. I guess that was her perogative, and she may feel different now. however, I still would like to wait and see if other techniques work, and maybe revisit it in a few months if i have no joy in improving our realtionship, once the baby is born. (i suspect my priorities will be pretty different once i am a mum....)

easywriter I do understand where you are coming from, I don't believe in organised religion, having had catholicism forced down my throat till the age of 18.

Also, i was quite hurt as my implied that her faith was more important to her than her family. I think though, that could be her acting out and trying to hurt me; chidish, I know, but that is why I am perhaps disproportinately anti-religion.

However I do believe in putting out good intentions / positive energy out to the universe.

I am already starting to feel better with the good advice you have all given me. best of all, baby is nice and calm.