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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to keep on fantasizing about a man that's hurt me in the past?

16 replies

MamiLove · 13/07/2010 09:32

(Not physically, of course).

I don't need to tell you the story, I think you all have been there and know what I mean. I was a silly and in love He was a selfish coward. I put an end to it because I was 'this close' to loose any respect I had left for myself.

Just realized recently I might still be in love with him. Or plain obsessed, at the very least. Weeks and months go by and it doesn't get any better.

Please, how can I survive this and be happy again?

OP posts:

Original poster

MamiLove · 13/07/2010 10:04

By the way, ^I know IABU...

OP posts:

Snobear4000 · 13/07/2010 11:09

You need to go have a fiddle with yourself. You'll be right after that. Don't call him.

GooseyLoosey · 13/07/2010 11:11

Treat him as a fantasy but not part of RL. I have lots of fantasys and they don't interfere with my relationship with dh.

Agree, do not try to resurrect this relationship.

lazarusb · 13/07/2010 14:28

Take off the rose coloured glasses- remember the crap bits, not the good bits. Value yourself! Surely you are far better than to need this person in your life?

Original poster

MamiLove · 13/07/2010 14:57

Yup, there were lots of crap bits... I know it's too pathetic, but I might just write them all down and read them whenever I start daydreaming about him. Right now I only remember the good moments...

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Chil1234 · 13/07/2010 15:36

The only way to cure obsession is through time, distance and by finding someone new to distract your attention. Easier said than done, of course... but worth the effort.

mylittlemonkey · 13/07/2010 20:35

Best way to get over an ex is to get under the next one! Concentrate on the future and not the past. Try fantaising about the wonderful man you are going to meet not the looser you left behind.

Original poster

MamiLove · 14/07/2010 00:31

sigh Thanks girls, you really make me feel a lot better, even if it's really THAT obvious. It makes me feel so silly... I don't know what my problem is, or why I got so hooked up. Big hug and thanks again!

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BertieBotts · 14/07/2010 00:37

I had an ex like this - it took me two relationships (to be fair one was a 2-week thing, nothing serious) 3 or 4 years and an abusive arsehole (the second relationship!) for me to get over him...

Hopefully time is the key, not the abusive arse! But a rebound relationship can work wonders as long as you are open about it being casual and you are careful if there are children involved.

Original poster

MamiLove · 14/07/2010 00:50

I don't know Bertie... part of me wants to go out (and does so), and throw myself over the first good-looking stranger I see (that I haven't done yet). But I feel that I need to ask myself why on the very first place did I let this happen... I am afraid that if I don't find the reason I might repeat the same mistake over and over. But then, a part of me tells not to think so much, and just try to have fun.

The truth is I miss him terribly. Everything I see or think, I would like to discuss with him. It's been like that for the last couple of years, before we got involved in a relationship, and now that we're not together anymore it's like that again. And yes, I tend to forget all his faults and remember only the good things. But most of all, I'm hurt, because he said that he loved me, I believed him, and now I feel I've been used. It kills me to think he's happy with another woman, and not waiting for his phone to ring, like I am. And yes, I also loathe myself for feeling so much self-pity and being so ridiculous. :-S

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Chil1234 · 14/07/2010 06:46

You're lonely and therefore feeling sorry for yourself. You don't love him, really, you're just resentful that he's 'moved on' (awful phrase) whereas you haven't. History doesn't always repeat itself and the advantage of a bad relationship is that you will recognise a good one when it finally comes along.

goodnightmoon · 14/07/2010 07:55

sometimes we just have very strong, visceral reactions to certain people and it's really hard to get over that sense that they do or could know you better than anyone else.

It's particularly hard when you've both felt or professed love, and yet it just doesn't work.

Please stop idealising him though. It sounds like you made the right decision to cut yourself loose and that he's not going to suddenly become what you'd hoped he'd be to you.

Try and keep an open mind to other guys you meet and try to curb the obsession. I've been there and it's just such a waste of time.

TimeForMe · 14/07/2010 08:16

Have a look at this blog gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/ and have a read of the book 'Getting Past Your Breakup'. It's very to the point and very good! HTH

Original poster

MamiLove · 16/07/2010 09:27

I can't thank you enough for your replies :-)

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guineagents · 16/07/2010 11:09

mamilove. I could've written yr post. I really feel for you. It's so hard. I split up with my ex 4 years ago. I spent 1 year alone pining for him, 1 year in a relaionship that didnt work cos I missed him and the only in the last year have I met someone who has changed things around for me.

So for me it took 3 years to get over my ex. I thought I was going totally crazy. I cried mmyself to sleep through most of my pregnancy. I think partly it was cos I knew he was with another woman and wouldnt come back. I actually went to the point of losing all self respect. I remember being heavily pregnant and literally beggibng him, on my knees, to come back. ( believe me this is not the sort of woman i am!!)

please be gentle with yrself and believe things will get better. I felt bad cos thought was going mad cos couldnt get over him. Sometimes thats just the way it is.

Even today I find it hard as we meet out and about socially. I cant look at him and part of me hates him, but al least I can blank him now.

good luck and im sure youre doing great

Original poster

MamiLove · 16/07/2010 23:06

Thanks guineagents, it's a great relief to feel understood. I haven't gone that far yet (it must have been horrible for you). Right now, I just want to kill that feeling I have that he still loves me, that he'd come back me if he knew, that he is about to call me... even if I know it's not true! Why does my mind do this to myself? I wish I could just forget about him once and for all!

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