AIBU or am I a massive bitch?!

[aHorriblePerson]

DP and I are living apart at the moment for 3 months for work purposes. I don't even know why I told you that, it's not relevant. Anyway, DP's brother has been with a new girlfriend for a few months. She's nice enough but something about her winds me up. I don't even know why, because she is always very nice.

Dp rang me yesterday to say his brother's girlfriend has just found out she's pregnant.

Instead of being happy for them, I just feel really, really annoyed. So annoyed that I couldn't sleep last night. I don't know what's wrong with me. I managed to say all the right nice things to DP and sound excited, but I still managed to throw in a few phrases such as 'Well he'll have to stop wasting his money on crap now then' and 'will she give up cigarettes now?. Also, because they only saw each other about once a fortnight and she was on the pill I said they were very unlucky to manage to get pregnant under these circumstances. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME??!?! These are not appropriatee things to say about a couple who are pregnant. I think I just came across as a bit bitter. Or a lot bitter, I don't know

I don't know why I am so annoyed. I've tried to figure out my feelings but I suppose it must simply be that I am jealous of her. I wasn't even really aware that I really wanted children yet. Of course I want children in the future, but not for a few years. I want to get married and buy a house, and I want to become more established in my career and blahblahblah. I do want a baby but not for a few years yet. So why am I so bloody pissed off? I am a bitch. What can I do?

you sound like you may be missing your dp, and alittle jellous?
Your allowed to be thoes things, just say the right things to them!

You are not horrible!

Instead you have realised that these feelings are about you and your desire to start a family in future.

Turn it around to pursuing what you want - if its a career first then throw yourself into it, if it's a baby start trying. In general take the focus off her and onto you.

It's perfectly natural to be envious of others but I find I'm most envious when I'm slightly disattisfied with my own lot - and it's then I know I need to change a little something in my life.

YAB a bit U, but you know that. The main thing is that you only let off steam to your DP, not the BiL or girlfriend.

I suspect it's not just one thing which made you react like that, but an accumulation of being seperated from your DP, something about the GF that winds you up a bit and the fact that you are a little bit jelous and that the jelous feeling surprised you.

Anyway, hopefully you've got it out of your system, you feel a bit bad (which is good, you recognise what you're feeling), so you can move on and just chalk it up to a bad day.

You're only a massive bitch if you were to say those things directly to the couple involved (which I'm assuming you're not going to do!). Otherwise you're being honest and human.

I think it is relevant that your DP is away - even though you don't want children yet, there's no possibility whatsoever if you're apart.

Maybe have a serious chat about when to start trying with your DP when you're back together in the same place?

I think it has unlocked a desire in you to have a baby. Obviously you weren't aware of it.

Will this be the first GC? Were you hoping to be first since you and your DP have been together longer?

When I had DS, we tried for 3 years, were told it was unlikely we would have children naturally and were waiting for IVF. We found out I was pregnant 3 weeks before we were due to start IVF.

When DS was 3 months old, my cousin got his 15 year old GF pregnant by accident. I was (and still am, I'm ashamed to say) mightly pissed off really. Most of it is because it was so hard for us and they come along and accidently get pregnant but part of it is because I was enjoying DS being the first and only great grandchild. I know its petty. But I don't feel the same way about another cousin who had a baby when DS was 18 months.

I'll admit to behaving like a brat about my OH's siblings pregnancys - I think a lot of mine was down to feeling that I had some sort of right to have the first baby of them all because we'd been together longest - a bit of thunder stealing if you like - I don't have any grandparents or uncles/aunts to offer up on my side so feel I'm missing out a bit.

It's all changed to a slightly more bitter envy now I've found I'm unlikely to be able to have my own, but I've been completely honest with my DP about my feelings and that they're frankly nutty and unreasonable which he accepts. I'd never talk about it to anyone but him and people who aren't involved with them though.

You're normal, and your not a horrible person because you've been able to recognise that you are a litte U.

It won't be the first as DP's older brother has children but they are quite a bit older. But I had wished we would be the next iyswim.
Also I have been lucky enough to get a job abroad for 10 months, but DP cannot leave his job here, so that means we'll be apart a lot for a while
So I also kind of feel as though everything will be happening while I'm not there. But surely that doesn't matter, because I'm not meant to be the centre of everyone's bloody attention haha.

I also get on v v well with MIL and she's very proud of my career and tells everyone about it, and now I feel like 'SIL' will be the perfect 'DIL' and...something. I'm not that sure of how I feel. I just know I feel very very jealous and a bit sad.

It's pathetic.

You're all being very kind.

I agree with DetectivePotato - are you sure you don't want a baby yet?

You are on mumsnet. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't be its for everyone, its just that I didn't even know about it until I got pregnant (but maybe I'm not very observant!).

A couple of years ago I kept saying I didn't want a baby for a while, and I really believed it. But when DH gave the green light, and I sorted my head out about work it all happened very quickly - now got a toddler.

Maybe you think there are some barriers to you having your own baby? I think your feelings are all natural and you shouldn't feel like a bitch (as long as you don't upset the happy couple!).

I think how you feel is perfectly natural and there are probably many people who feel the same but don't say. You can't help the way you feel.

Also griffalo has a point. Why would you be on mumsnet without children? (Not saying that you can't be). If I had no children, a website that was aimed at parents where people talk about their DCs a lot would just annoy me I think, unless there was a hidden desire for children, and you thinking that you would be next shows that you do want a baby.

Regarding the been on MN without children, I came for a nose after reading about it in an article as been fairly bitchy/straight spoken (depending on your point of view ) and liked what I saw!

It's one of the few places for women on the net that isn't populated by prissiness and a need for smelling salts if someone types the word 'fuck'.

Also I haven't seen any of that 'hate is too strong a word' bollocks

Yes, I came on mn a few years ago after reading an article in the times. Being here has probably increased my desire to have children though.
Feel a bit weepy today, I'm probably a bit hormonal or something, I've never felt this way about children before haha. I suppose my time will come

You aren't being a bitch, sometimes just a couple of words like finding that out can really really put things into perspective for you all.

I was desperate to have a dc, thought I was pg after much trying, found out that morning I wasn't when young sil announced her pg. She had come off the pill 2 weeks before, whereas Dr was suggesting having tests/ ivf etc to us. Even though I now have dc of my own and another on the way I still feel resentful of that moment and how hard it hit home to me. It is hard that there are some incredibly fertile folk out there to whom getting pg is not a struggle, there are some where it is a heartfelt struggle with no happy ending and there are the inbetweeners who suddenly realise that it might not happen for a while for them which I think is the camp you sit in. To start with it isn't going to be possible ttc not being in the same country as your dp and also you have other goals that were there before this came up. It is ok to feel jealous, just try not to feel to resentful in the future - also probably doesn't help that you don't feel too fond of the girl yet!

You're not a horrible person.

Do your BIL and his GF want to have a baby?

Hi, by the way, I guess you own't be keeping this name but I don't have children yet either (and am not trying) - I'm just here because there's not many other places on the internet you can talk to adult women about a range of subjects (and also a bit crap) - every other forum is either very topic-specific and/or full of 15 yr old boys.

They didn't want a baby and they were shocked and a little disappointed at first, but they want to keep it.

Hi Trillianastra I won't be keeping the name but I might follow you around the board for a bit. Just kidding.

Rang DP to talk to him about it today. The GF isn't yet 12 weeks, so it isn't public knowledge anyway, so DP said we don't need to talk about it for a while, so that I can have chance to take it in a bit. And also I'm not meant to know yet iyswim... so I don't need to do any congratulating for a few weeks, which gives me time to feel less sad, and more happy and excited for the two of them. Because it is always nice when you get a new member of the family.

"It's one of the few places for women on the net that isn't populated by prissiness and a need for smelling salts if someone types the word 'fuck'.

Also I haven't seen any of that 'hate is too strong a word' bollocks"

Very true. This is why I like MN too.

You aren't horrible - you should name change now

It's funny how certain things trigger emotions that you didn't know you were harbouring.

Of course living apart from your DP is tough and knowing you are going to be doing more of it over the next year isn't easy - then this on top.... don't worry about your reaction, just sort your feelings out and go from there

I don't think you're a horrible person but if I were you I would question why I felt a bit resentful. I only say this as I felt exactly like this before I got pregnant with my DS. I had a really good job and it hadn't crossed my mind that I wanted a baby, so much so that everyone was in shock when we told people, it just wasn't on the cards! However my DP's cousins started announcing their pregnancies and my DN arrived and I just felt a bit jealous about these forthcoming babies. I wasn't on the pill so once we had decided I went from these feelings to feeling thrilled within a month or so and then I was petrified!

As long as they do not feel your resentment you will be fine, you cannot help how you feel.

When I became pregnant my sil, who does not have children, was deeply resentful.

It has marred any relationship she ever could have had with dd, and we no longer have any contact.

This is a worst case scenario.

Sorry, didn't mean to come across all "voice of doomy" Its just her resentment really caused a lot of problems for me.

Do you feel resentful in some way of a new female joining the family, and the fact that a new baby might attract the family's attention onto her? I could be talking a lot of shite (I often do ) but there's sometimes a bit of alpha lioness type thing that goes on in families.

I think it might be a bit of that maisie and I have no idea why. I'm quite a shy reserved person and I don't especially crave the limelight. She is a really nice person and DP#s brother very much deserves a bit of happiness. But even before she was pregnant, whenever she was around at family functions I felt really wound up.

It's horrible to think I might resent the attention that she will rightly deserve for bringing a baby into the family. That's another reason why I feel bad.

I think next time I visit them I'm going to spend some time just me and her, and have a girly day out or something. We do get on quite well even though we are very different, so I need to get over these bizarre feelings.

MrsSaxon- you are right, it would be horrible to show my resentment. She hasn't announced her pregnancy yet so there is no way she could get any vibes of my feelings and I would never, ever, ever want her to know. It is her special time to be pregnant with her first child and I would never want to ruin that.

You sound lovely - she's very lucky to have you in her new family

My OH and I had been TTC for 3 years. My SIL announced on April Fools that she was pg and it was an 'accident'. My sister was already pg with her 2nd at the time.

4 Days later i found out i was pg. Joy, shock, horror all went through me. My SIL and sis were so happy.

The next day my sis had to go for a scan and found that her baby had died. I felt awful as i had resented her and sil pregnancy.

What will be will be, My sis is an amazing person as she never passed her feelings onto me of envy, and i believe i never did the same either.

I really hope you can work this out in your head take care xxx

Well, they did get pregnant alarmingly soon ... maybe your hunch about the girlfriend will turn out to have foundations, who knows?

Sounds like you're missing DP and a bit jealous of the other couple truning into a little family, while your own relationship is kind of on hold.

YANBU but - You're a massive bitch!!! Just coz I feel like saying that tonight