to be fed up with this?

[haribomum]

grrrrrrr i cant take any more!! my aunt is a very strange character. AIBU to feel like telling her to not come to my house anymore?

heres the background -
aunt lives in council accomodation and suffers from hoarding. her house is worse than anything i have ever seen before. toilet rolls stacked from floor to ceiling and she is incontinent and wont throw out tena pants. there are thousands of fag packets everywhere and used tea bags fill the bath.

beacuse of the mess the house is in she wont report any repairs to council so her toilet doesnt flush and she has a big leak in her ceiling and under her sink.

yet despite this she is awful to her neighbours. they all ahve young children and they play in the courtyard. she has reported them for waking her up at ten in the morning and moans that they leave toys around. she once took their slide and hid it in her shed. its still there, they never got it back.

despite this she thinks a lot of herself and judges everyone! she is a long term benefit claimant but when people ask her occupation she says early retirement.

she is really really driving me insane atm. she turns up at my house whenever she wants and always moans about it being messy. i have 3 dc under 4 and am preg so exausted. but my house is clean and dcs are fed well. most of the mess is toys. she recently moaned to my mum saying she might ring ss as i cant cope with tidying up after them!!

i am so annoyed. my house is spotless compared to hers and she has bought up young children in this mess. my dc are well looked after, i let them have toys out to play and tidy up once they are in bed. i feel like an awful parent now.

yanbu. tbh i think you need to speak to the council and ss on your aunt's behalf....she shouldn't be living in the conditions you describe and obviously needs some help. i would have thought there's some kind of mental health issue that needs to be addressed.

YANBU can I suggest not letting the horrid old bat in your house??

YANBU

I agree with diamondsandtiaras - your aunt doesn't sound quite in the right head.

She clearly does nothing but drive you mad, so I would tell her not to come again. With three little ones and a fourth on the way you don't need the aggravation and stress. Not to mention putting up with being told that your house is a mess by someone who lives in a tip!

Agree with diamonds. You also need to look out for yourself and your children so I would stop her coming over for a while, it may help her see what she is like (well, you can always hope!). SS should be involved with her, the condition she lives in is not healthy and could cause serious illness.

i would never report her to ss or council as i think she would have a breakdown or similiar. and she has a daughter living with her. its just terrible to see. they smell of damp as their house has no central heating. council have offered to put it in but she wont let them due to the mess.

she recently emptied some newspapers into my nans recycling and they were dated from 1950s.

i am going to ask her not to call round for a while i think.

haribo i don't think it's a question of reporting her to ss.....they're not there to cause her distress or reprimand her for the state of her house, they're there to help her. I know you've got a lot on your plate but i think telling her to go away and ignoring the situation is frankly quite cruel.

YANBU, but she needs help. Its not healthy to live like that and reporting her wouldn't be getting her into trouble, it would be getting her the help she needs.

She also has a bloody nerve saying that you should be reported to ss for having a bit of mess in the house, who doesn't?

Yes I think the nicest thing to do would be to inform SS so that they can help your Aunt get the place sorted. There must be mental health issues for there to be that degree of mess and hoarding.
As for her comments on your house I think you would be doing the right thing to ask her not to come round for a while, give both of you a break.

diamond everyone has tried to help her! i have been to her house many times and emptied rooms for her, whilst the whole time she was shouting abuse at me for doing so.

i no she struggles with cooking so i have said its ok to come round for her meals. the response i get from her is awful. 'oh this chicken is fatty' , 'are we not having a proper meal tonight?' 'oh i like my carrots sliced better than that'.

im not saying i thing ss would reprimand her. i no they would want to help but she would not see it like that. she would end up beimg abusive to them and cause trouble for herself which she does not need.

also i am not being cruel. i just dont need to put up with this any longer. i have tried my best and feel like i am being punished for it.

yes she does suffer from mental health issues. she has depression and anxiety.

i wouldnt know where to start with ss. who could i ring?but im still not sure its the right thing to do.

I know she'd react badly but she really does need help, I think SS is the way to go TBH. Maybe you could just ring them and ask if they know the best organisation to help (is she elderly? help the aged or something?)

YANBU obviously but she needs help from someone.

no she is not elderly she is in her fifties.

think i wil give them a call. just want her to get help but i no she will forever hate me for it .

Haribo it doesnt sound like she likes you much anyway - you are aware she is threatening to cause you problems with social services? At the end of the day you dont need to associate wtih her so dont do it to yourself anymore. Get her some support then walk away - you have a family to worry about!

I agree with the others, she clearly needs help. I would ring SS and ask them if they have a community psychiatric nurse who would be willing to visit and make an assessment. They should be happy to agree not to say who asked them.
Good luck.

exactly she'll hate you whatever you do, I think at least this way she'll get some help. if it all works out, at least she could get better and one day you may even get a thank you...

Hello Haribo- hoarding is a properly recognised mental condition in itself, and can be extremely difficult for the sufferer and those around them. Sufferers react very badly to forced cleaning of their house, which I know ss used to do to suffers, but I think they might have improved now.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsive_hoarding

www.childrenofhoarders.com

w ww.compulsive-hoarding.org/

books.google.co.uk/books?id=Aw2d3kdCC5EC&printsec=frontcover&d q=hoarding&source=bl&ots=7TpkVh_bTd&sig=9cuZH58i8vHkPoZgMHXwkGbTwEY&hl=en

www.squalorsurvivors.co m

very famous hoarder mr trebus-
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edmund_Trebus

very good documentary on people and dynamics behind hoarding-
"grey gardens" by the Maysles Brothers and

Surely the neighbours did something about the slide? I would have done something is someone had STOLEN my dc's slide.

Social Services are not there to get people into trouble, they are there to help.

For the sake of her and her daughter you need to get her some help.

Who are her brothers and sisters? Could you talk to them first?

"i would never report her to ss or council as i think she would have a breakdown or similiar."

She's already had some kind of a breakdown. Sane people do not hoard used Tena pants and fill their bath with old tea bags! Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and it sounds like she's going to be a nasty old bag to you whether you contact SS or not.

You need to start by firmly telling her that you know she has threatened to report you to SS for the 'state' of your house and that is why she can't come round anymore. Don't be surprised if she reacts aggressively and denies everything until you're left wondering what's real anymore - this is normal with mentally ill people.

And then do talk to Social Services, or your GP, or a charity like Mind and ask for advice. Tell them you are concerned for her health and mental wellbeing.

And good luck! It's hard to be the 'bad' guy and do the right thing, but you need to do it. It's the kindest thing for her (and her poor neighbours) in the long run.

Can I ask you how old is the daughter? If she is young, then something definitely needs to be done for her sake, if no one elses. And if she is older, then could you speak to her? (Sorry I am not being much help and YANBU)

hi thankyou everyone for your replies. her daughter has just turned 18 and finds living there hard as she cant have friends round etc and she trips up alot due to the sheer height of the mess everywhere. but despite this she too is very defensive over their house. its almost they believe they are right to live like that.

im not sure if the nieighbour has done anything about the slide but she has reported them many times for keeping their dcs toys out and she often kicks them. i am 100% sure the neighbours and council must know what she is like. she will report someone if she sees them walking late at night with a bag etc say they are selling drugs.

i am going to contact someone to help her with this. but i will have to explain they wont want to be helped and i know for sure she will not let them in her house.

my mum is her sister and has often offered to help her and has been over there cleaning etc throwing things out. but sadly she has also caused a lot of trouble for my mum with reporting things etc, and atm my mum is so angry with her she has little time for her.

writing this down i have noticed she always reports people! she is always saying how she has rang up different supermarkets complainig etc, rang the police due to the neighbour next door being on speed again as she was running up and down the stairs. she has 2 youngs dcs ffs. she also reported her to ss.

It sounds to me as if perhaps she is hoping that by "reporting" other people that she will get noticed, IYSWIM? She needs help, and soon.