To not want this?

[shimmerysilverglitter]

Will try to keep this short. Split us with ex about 4 months ago, things pretty amicable and he sees dc every day. One of our dc has Autism.

Ex's parents live abroad, about a 7 hour flight away. We have never visited them while together basically because ex was a waster with money and couldn't get things together enough to make this happen.

He told me yesterday that his parents have offered to pay for him and ds - he has autism, to fly out to see them in this country.

My issues are this:

Last time ds stayed alone with a family member ie without me and ex this family members partner lost his temper with ds (does not understand about autism and doesn't believe he has it anyway and ended up being quite rough with ds. When I told MIL she said "well he can be quite naughty" justifying this person and how he dealt with ds. I just don't trust her anymore.

When ex gets with his Dad they drink a lot and basically turn into a pair of arses. Everything is about drink. All care would fall to MIL and they would be pissed every night. I would not be there to keep things on an even keel and keep ds away from seeing them drunk like that like I always did when together with ex, MIL and FIL do not have a problem with kids seeing this kind of thing, FIL and ex H used to get very drunk around ds when he was younger until I put a stop to it. To be clear MIL does not drink so much to excess but does not see a problem with "the Men" doing so.

I also have a DD believe it or not, she is 4 but considered to be to young to go on this trip and they have not offered for her anyway, probably because they know she wouldn't want to go right now as she is very clingy to me (because of things she saw with her father when we were still together I believe). I don't think it is a leaving out on purpose kind of thing.

So main care for an autistic child who MIL thought deserved a slap last time he was naughty with a member of her family would fall to her for the time ds is away with his dad.

I just do not feel comfortable with this, yes if ds was an hour away and could call me to pick him up but a 7 hour flight away??!

I feel that I am in effect banning ds from a fabulous experience but surely it would be safer and more appropriate for him to go when older and more able to take care of himself.

I also feel angry that this has been offered to ex without reference to me at all. It is as though now we are split I am of no consequence at all in the dc's life. I am aware that is probably my own petty issues though.

Sorry so long, please give me some opinions. AIBU?

[shimmerysilverglitter]

Well I talked to ex about it and he basically said he would never take ds anywhere without the go ahead from me so thats a bit of a relief. He tried to say ds would be fine with him etc but I was quite adament that this would not be happening in the near future but I was not ruling out the future. I am really not either, maybe in a couple of years things will feel different, more right and then ds can go, I would never want to deprive him of such a fab opportunity as long as it all feels right for him.

However the Grandparents asked yesterday when ds was on Summer Hols and I saw her write the dates down (Skype) so I am a bit worried they might force my hand and book the tickets as a "lovely surprise".

Ds does not at the moment have a passport though, it expired a few months ago so at least that is an excuse. Whatever happens I don't think I have heard the end of this though.

[nickschick]

biddys,that makes me crosss when people assume a smack will sort it all out .

Why dont we just kick epileptics in the head and stamp on the feet of those with hearing problems.

shimmery...lovely surprise or not any trip like that with your ds will require lots of planning and forewarning and certainly not at 7.

perhaps you could misplace his passport for a while until ermmmmm august .

[boiledegg1]

Well I'm glad your ex is being reasonable about it. Perhaps his parents are planning a surprise visit to you...that could be another thread

[shimmerysilverglitter]

I would like to update this.

Ex and I have been talking about this trip. We are getting on fairly well and so that ds can go he has said he will pay to take us all out there.

He put this to his parents and his Dad said "Ok, I know of lots of nice hotels that Shimmery can stay in". So my dc and ex would be at his parents house and I would expected to stay in a hotel. Ex reckons his Dad was joking but there is a long history of his Father trying to bully me as he bullies the rest of the females in his family and me not standing for it and it has got slightly worse since we split and FIL obviously now feels that he doesn't have to make the effort with me any more and can be as disrespectful as he wants.

He even tells his own wife who is with him in the country they live in that if she argues or disagrees with him that "this is a man's country, women have no rights here and I will have you sent back to the UK". I now feel really uncomfortable about going but guilty that I would be depriving all the nice people in this situation ie dc, MIL and ME ! of a fab holiday.

So opinions please.

[zoelikesjam]

can you book the hotel yourself/with your ex's money for you and three children before you go. then they cant do anything as the rooms booked and youve paid a premium!
Suprised noone else has asked but maybe its just me being nosey but where will you be going on a fabby holiday?!!!

[zoelikesjam]

two children lol

[BabyDubsEverywhere]

I'm sorry but I don't see why autism even comes into it? They previously slapped your child and get too drunk to function! That's all the reason I'd need to tell them not on your nelly!

[BabyDubsEverywhere]

Bugger, only just read the update, ignore me