I'm a moaning Minnie- but where's MY weekend gone

[mrsflux]

Im just moaning and fed up so I'm going to get it out my system here.

I've had no weekend because dh has either been drunk/ hungover/ working.
Friday night- out with other dad friends drinking. Fair enough everyone needs to get out but he is out 3 times next week too.

Saturday- he was sick and failed to clear it up before I woke up so I was greeted with a very grim bathroom. He did take ds swimming but that was 1h and I go too to help change ds afterwards. He then went into work.
He quit after a few hours and after saying he wanted to shop went about in a grump so we came home. The hangover meant he was grumpy all day. And useless with 15mo ds.

Sunday- went to work at 11 and still there.

I know workin is no fun for him hut you'd think aim a company that size someone would understand how to plan for approaching deadlines!

I am moaning but I would have liked some fun family time.

YANBU - you've had a crap weekend! Make plans for next weekend and tell him now so he can't make excuses or go out with the boys. Oh, and make him clean the bathroom!!!

I did make him clean it! Handed him the tools necessary and told him exactly what needed doing- which was obvious if you had eyes!

Ta for the sympathy!

There's no way he needs to go out 4 times in a week and work all weekend. He's acting like a single man. You need to communicate your distress to him - before this gets any worse.

is this normal for him? Does he always go out 4 times in one week and also work the weekend? Or is this a one off.

If its a one off then it's not such a massive issue, sometimes we all have very busy weeks, then nothing social for months.

However, if it is the norm then no YANBU

Gosh.... I really feel for you.

my DH works VERY hard 5 days a week, but expects weekends 'OFF' - this means I have to look after our two (25MO and 11MO) pretty much alone 7 days a week, week in week out.

Even if we all DO go out together, it's always my responsibility to feed the kids, ensure the change bag / food bag is sorted for the day, ensure changes of clothes are appropriate / sun cream is applied etc.,

the house is my responsibility, as is driving home so he can have a drink.

I don't dislike my life at all, and I don't begrudge him a little 'time off' but a little reciprocation would be nice (rarely, if ever, happens)

On a weekend, I get a lie in (11MO gets up at 5am) but I still have to get up at 7am when DS gets up, as Dh won't feed them...

So you have my sympathy!!

You have my sympathy! I've had a crappy weekend too thanks to my DP, he more or less wanted to be doing stuff other than spend time with me and DD. He rather begrudgingly stayed home on Saturday but I rather wish he'd gone out instead....he mumped about all day.
And Harimo...I wouldn't be too pleased about that balance of chores etc myself! But I guess 7am can seem like a lie in when you have a little one

I feel for you, op. I've been there, done that.

About 2 months ago I had a major meltdown about weekends and we did come to some arrangements. So weekends are kept clear now for family time. It doesn't always work, and as dh works from home quite a lot he quietly slopes off and it's only after a few hours that I discover he hasn't been mowing the lawn or playing with the children but working instead. If he needs to work then he has to do it after the dc are in bed.

All I can suggest is that you discuss it, when you're not too cross with him, and explain that you really would like to ensure your ds has both parents around at the weekends, and see if you can make a plan that you both find acceptable.

I had frineds who thought that my dh was really out of line because he does so little in the house and goes away for work for weeks and weeks at a time. Last year he took no holiday at all. Some days (Christmas day) he only worked for an hour or so but he takes his laptop with him wherever he goes (even to the loo!) and frets if he is out of email contact for more than a couple of hours. And then says that he wishes he didn't have to work so hard, when clearly he allows it to happen.

But I have managed to grab time back from a workaholic, not a lot, but a bit. Please op though, don't wait until you have 3 dc and are totally exhausted by being everything to everybody and are at the end of your tether. Nip his selfishness in the bud before it goes too long.

Harimo - 7am is not a lie in. Why are you accepting that your DH won't feed the DC? Seriously, you need to change the way your household operates or you will be exhausted very soon. What your DH does from mon - fri is not more important than what you do, so he does not deserve more rest and consideration than you. I would imagine that you too are working VERY hard with 2 DCs age 25MO and 11MO.

OP - I think it is U for your DH to go out 4 times in one week and be hungover/at work all weekend. Your DS is as much his responsibility as yours. You are not going out and just assuming that he will take care of everything else, so why should he. People will do what they are allowed to get away with, so if you keep tolerating this, then he will keep on doing it. If this was my DH, I would be putting a stop to the 3 nights out he is due to go on. He has a child now and can't behave like a single man. Having fun should be equal for both parents imo

To he fair the 4 nights out isn't usual- he prob averages 5ish a month. Still way more than me.
Weekends are also normally sacred but for whatever reason his team seem to have forgotten a massive deadline was approaching and had so far done naff all!

I will be explaining my feelings and this had better be a one off!
Am especially cross now as he rang earlier and I picked up pretty quick to hear him saying in a very 'kevin the teenager' tone "expecting a bollicking!". I was not happy!
Told him that there's no point bollocking him as won't achieve anything now and not to expect me to be unreasonable!

Her!

Think I will be doing less organising of ds stuff for weekends. Will let him pack bag/ lunch and see what happens. (if my worrying that we won't have enough nappies wipes snacks etc will allow!)

Karma - thankyou.

TBH, I nearly started a thread along these lines, so don't want to gatecrash the OP's thread too much...

But, DH is actually away Mon - Fri and really doesn't know what the kids will / won't eat, how to get them to behave, where their clothes are etc.,

is that an excuse? Probably, but I can't much be bothered to argue about it. I certainly don't want to fight about the time we do get to spend together.

THe only thing that really gets to me is that he thinks I do nothing (His words, last weekend)

sorry, OP...

Harimo - I have to laugh (kindly & with you) at your DP, even looking after 1 (as I do) is far from nothing. It is a bit of an excuse though that he doesn't know all that stuff and by never engaging with it, I guess that means he never will...

Oh Harimo. You need to find a way to get away for a couple of days and leave him in charge. He will regret ever thinking that you do nothing, let alone saying it. As for your lie in, could you leave some breakfast things ready prepared and leave their clothes ready so he has no excuse to be so pathetic. I am really quite on your behalf.

OP, YANBU. My DH also has trouble with the concept that he needs to participate in family life.

mamavoo - I'm really not over egging this, and it doesn't really bother me TBH, but I wouldn't trust him to take the two of them into town never mind actually LEAVE them with him for a few days.

DS nearly fell down the stairs the only night I did leave them alone (that was because I was in hospital having DD)

It really doesn't bother me that much (he is a good dad in other ways... honest!!) but sometimes (as the OP says) it would be nice to have a weekend....

Harimo - I agree with the others tbh.
Challenge him to get them ready one Saturday morning. Sounds like he sort of guy who'd flippantly say course I can and then struggle. Or learn where stuff is and then you can have a break!

Oh an dh has just called to say he'll be home at 9!

[faking being calm]

If I 'challenged' him to get them ready, we would end up having an argument.

He doesn't see it's his job to do this.

He would end up shouting at the kids and then I'd get stressed about that.

Sorry, feel like I'm hijacking OP here.

The number of times, I've popped for a shower and found DS in the room with me, and then I can hear DH calling him downstairs, no clue where he actually is... Sorry, no way would I leave them with him

mrs flux (an others on here it seems) again
Why are you enabling this behaviour.
Going to the swimming baths because you have to help change him. Are you talking about two children here.
Gat. A. Grip on your behaviour to accepting this treatment.
You are an adult, if he thinks you do nothing and doesn't believe you you are in trouble he is belittling you and saying he is unable to do your work.

Nip it in the bud now. Lie in. Leave dress him even if it means an upside down nappy leave him do it and of course don't change him again when he comes home. He has to learn by making his own mistakes.

mamas12 Think you've mixed up my post and some of the others. Dh is great with ds and can do almost anything I can. He never says I do nothing or belittles me.
We have had a rubbish weekend and it's more noticeable for me as normally our weekends are lovely fun family time where I get a bit of a break and see my boys having fun.

oops sorry if you think I went ott.

you are a new mum so you are excused a lot in my book.