AIBU to be really annoyed with DH...

[APrivateWhinge]

...for the following reasons:

1/ I had 2 hours sleep last night. DH had more than that yet is insisting on having a nap. DH could have gone to bed at least an hour earlier (as I was soothing our 8 week old baby) but instead he chose to sit downstairs watching TV and eating snacks. Now that is fine if he wants do do that, but surely if you choose to stay up late then it's your own fault if you're tired the next day? Short of physically dragging him out of bed, I am stuck with the situation. Obv can't have a lie in myself as DS needs looking after and we can't both opt out of doing that. Needless to say we will be having a chat about this later on, but in the meantime am v pissed off.

2/ Yesterday we were in a real rush to go out. Of all the jobs that needed doing, he decided that his time would be better spent opening shrink-wrapped bottles (which had been sitting on the kitchen table for the last couple of days becase they came free with our new steriliser). Now the thing is, these are small 150ml bottles and I had left them wrapped up because we are just about to move to the larger 260ml bottles. So DH pissed around opening up stuff that would have been better left wrapped up, yet at the same time he only put HALF the pram in the boot of the car. So he wasted time doing something totally unnecessary yet failed to do the key task required of him (and the only task he had to do, on the basis that I got the baby and his changing bag ready).

3/ DH keeps on telling people that I only had one stitch when DS was born. Err, no - I had one continous external stitch. It took 25 mins to sew me up - unless the dr was the world's slowest suturer, I think it's a safe bet there was more than one stitch in there... He has, BTW, had this explained to him several times. He also knows that I don't like having private medical details bandied around for public consumption. Not sure why he persists in telling people stuff that isn't even correct and which is none of their business anyway.

4/ We have just moved house and there are shitloads of jobs that need doing. In particular, becase a load of our stuff that is currently in storage is being delivered tomorrow, loads of stuff needs to be tidied up to make room for all the boxes. What has he done towards helpong with this? Invited his mother over for the afternoon FFS. So obviously not planning to do any work then. Basically, a hell of a lot of stuff needs doing this weekend and it has got to be done. It's not the sort of stuff I can leave to DH to do later - for example, we will be screwed if the removal people turn up and we have nowhere to put our furniture. So it looks like I'm stuck with it. This is just so fucking typical of him - he pisses around doing nothing then when he does do something, he does the wrong thing (and I really don't think I'm just nitpicking here - see 2 above, how can anyone sensibly prioritise opening up a new set of bottles that we don't need anyway over putting stuff in the car that their child will need that day?).

5/ He acts like he does loads with DS (and to be fair he does help with night feeds and does cuddle and try to settle him in the evening) but the lions share of the caring still falls to me (and I'm doing all of the housework). This is possibly a bit petty, but it just grates a bit that he gives the impression that he does loads. He does have a long day at work, but I know loads of the men in our NCT group have cut down their hours massively - he goes around saying that he has done that too, but in reality it's only around half an hour that he's cut down (so he's still in the office till around 7pm). I do understand that he needs to work, BTW, am just fed up of hearing how tired he is (I have made a point of trying not to moan about this as I think it just leads to a "who is tireder" competition and I think that's hugely negative). I just feel like saying that I work his hours too, effectively, but I don't see him producing nearly a litre and a half of milk a day.

And breathe....

No need to respond, BTW, just feel better for having had a rant (and am therefore less likely to go off at DH later when we talk about things)...

PS Have namechanged as I prefer to not whinge about DH under my usual name. Feels too much like whinging to friends about him - which I never do as I think it's unfair.

YANBU

"he pisses around doing nothing then when he does do something, he does the wrong thing"

my DH does exactly the same thing - if we have people over and the place is a tip he will decide the urgent job (over cleaning the loo or the kitchen) is installing the outside light, or something along those lines.

My dh also plays the 'constantly tired' card and gets on average 3-4 hours more sleep than me. Sounds like most dhs I know.

Look, it's annoying etc but tbh a lot of what you say is petty. And I get the feelig you criticise him a lot.

If a bloke posted detailing in minute detail everything their dw did 'wrong' he would be labelled controlling. Think on't.

If you sum it all up, he's a bit rubbish, he can't handled any level of sleep deprivation which seems to be a male trait, but he works hard, loves his dc and isn't intentionally 'bad'.

You need a sit down, a talk, clear the air, explain ONCE (not endlessly and without attacking him) why you are upset, why you need more support and how he can provide it.

Yeah, my DH is pretty much the same. I no longer assume he will figure out what needs doing and when - I tell him.

Have you tried giving him tasks and deadlines?

When MIL turns up, gush "oh I'm so pleased to see you, we really need your help today moving stuff as our furniture comes too"

You have an 8 week old baby, what you describe is perfectly normal, although the doesn't really help you I know.

As other posters have said you are being petty and critical over some things in your OP BUT it is entirely understandable. I was EXACTLY the same. DH pissed me off soooo much those first few weeks I almost asked him to bugger off and let me get on with it. But it was MY problem not his, he hadn't changed, I had and I did not realise the fundamental change in me. You have different priorities at the moment, yours is to care for your new baby and 'nest' but it sounds like he is a bit lost and doesn't really know what to do with himself.

The turning point for me came when i decided to specifically ask DH to do certain jobs. Our lives changed dramatically almost overnight. DH KNEW what I needed from him and I had the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. He also asked me to stop 'nagging' him, apparently everything I said to him was said in a confrontational manner, as if I was looking for an argument. I worked hard on being kind to DH too, not in a fake way but to get back to how we were pre-ds. Looking back I was very very stressed about doing the right thing for ds that I lost the plot a bit and I think forgot I loved DH if you see what I mean.

Please don't think you need to 'order' your DH about or give him lists or deadlines, that would be waaaayyy to controlling. He's an adult and a person and (presumably) deserves some degree of respect. Make a list by all means but then sit down with him and take the approach that this is what needs doing, lets split this evenly. If he doesn't do his jobs then feel free to nag

These first weeks and months are really tough and put a huge pressure on you as individuals and as a couple. it WILL get easier

hth

I think you´re over analysing.

With luck baby will sleep at some point today & you will also be able to.

He helps with night feeds-that´s one big plus I would say!

YANBU.
The first few months are exhausting and everything gets blown up so even tiny annoying things become massive stressers.
Do what MamaG said, get MIL to help, and then when they are done/doing it, go to bed.
In the morning, feed DS and then place him on DH's chest and ask him to take him downstaris for a bit so you can get dressed. Then go back to sleep.

But I do feel for you, I hated those first few months at times. It does get easier. Was he like thsi pre DS?

YANBU about him bandying around intimate medical details about you - that's bang out of order. And it sounds as though he is pretty irritating arsing around with sily little things when there are clear tasks that need doing NOW.

But expecting him to cut down his work hours just because you had a baby 8 weeks ago? WTF??!!

Presumably you are on a reduced income on Maternity Leave, so it's madness to expect him to cut his hours too! The reason you are doing the lion's share of caring and home stuff is because you're there full time to do it, while he's out at work. If you want to swap positions, then go for it, but don't berate him for things that aren't his fault, because it weakens your case when it comes to things where he is being an arse. And as for saying 'he doesn't produce a litre and a half of milk a day' - FGS, are you going to hold that against him?

Deal with the things that are genuinely not right, but stop the competitive, over thinking, because it will ruin this time together. FWIW with my first dd I returned to work 3 days a week a month from where you are now (ie baby 12 weeks old) - it was pretty normal in those days, and actually I think one advantage was that it truly encouraged parents to pull together and stop trying to count up the minutes spent on each task. Being a parent should be fun, not a nonstop chore!

Oh dear! You must be very tired

Yes a lot of those things are annoying. But try to let it go... for your own sake.

To clarify, am not actually expecting him to cut down his hours. Just expecting him to not tell people that he has when he really hasn't. Bit petty to feel that way, I know, but it rankles when people say how lucky I am that he does so much...

Oh my god, you've got MY dh by accident, keep him, it's fine!

Ahhh - the "what a hero" because he does something around the house or with the baby.

I entirely see why you are annoyed, particularly when he is bragging about what a help he is and clearly he can be a bit ineffectual

I do think a lot of DP's are the same, but that doesn't stop it being irritating.

Make a list and give it to him. That might stop the rage a little

My DH was a bit the same when DD was tiny, he thought he was helping but never did anything that actually needed done if that makes sense.
I resorted to saying things like "X needs done but I have to feed the baby would you do it" or "X, Y and Z need done this morning, if we both get them done now we can get out/have some time to relax".

I remember being really resentful of the time he got to himself and all the sleep he got since I was breastfeeding and couldn't express, and hated the fact he never really seemed to help with what needed doing. I felt like DH spent all the time he wasn't at work relaxing whereas I never stopped. When we both talked about it I realised he had been doing a lot more than normal, it just hadn't been what I considered important, and I was able to explain what would help most.

Just explain to your DH what would help you out, and ask your MIL to help out when she comes round!

YANBU to feel frustrated about this, my DH is no better. But YABU not to sit down and discuss this face to face.

It's annoying but when women start in a nagging tone there is something in the male psyche that just switches off.

My DH only responds to lists, he is totally crap at deciding priorities. I even have to number them.

The sleep thing is annoying, my DH never EVER wakes up when DS crawls into our bed at 5 am. Always me. This morning DS was asleep lying lengthways in the bed with this crossed feet over DH's mouth and he still didn't wake.

I set my alarm and leave it on DH's side, so he has to wake up and turn it off. Then I say, while you're up let's make the most of today together.

Yep I agree you are just being a normal new mum but you do need to tell him what you need him to do.

x and y needs doing which one do you want to do?

I used to do that knowing which one he would prefer and of course I made the choices on offer too.
I know I know e.g. I hate washing up and didn't mind changing nappies so those were the choices I offered because I knew he preffered the washing up.
Of course there were loads of other jobs that needed doing but at that moment in time those were the ones I felt needed doing right now so those were the choices then. Later on in the day the choices would of course reflect what needed doing then and which ones I knew he would prefer.

sorry I'm rambling but I hope you get the message.

YANBU especially as you've said you don't whinge to friends about him and have name-changed specifically so you can let off steam on here.

I think men often do feel a bit of a spare part in the first few months. And then often the things they do drive us mad!

With DS1, DH and I agreed who would do specific tasks (er, that'll be be breastfeeding then!) E.g. He did ALL nappy changes when he was around, he did bath time and most of the changes of clothing iirc. It made him feel like he had a role and also really helped him bond with DS.

There will still be times when he'll exasperate you (that's what MNet is for!) But it will get easier as your house gets sorted and your DS doesn't need so much blooming milk, nappies etc!