Letting go (& update on overnight trip)

[Weta]

Following on from my message yesterday about my anaphylactic 6yo going on an overnight school trip, the school has now said that DH can attend all day on both days and just come home to sleep, as can any other parent who would prefer to be present (it's only half an hour away). The teacher who's going is really nice and seems very capable, and I'm having a meeting with her tomorrow.

So that's all good, but I still feel really churned up about the whole thing. Somehow I feel guilty for not sorting it so that he can go without us and for being the 'overprotective' parent, even though I think 6 is young for this kind of trip, and he will be delighted to have DH, and the other parent helpers also think it's too young even though their kids don't have allergies.

I guess I know that one day I'll have to let him go, and am kind of terrified by how strongly I reacted to this trip and worry that my desire to protect him is excessive. I think as the parent of an allergic child you put so much time and energy into keeping them safe that it's very hard to relinquish control and let someone else take the responsibility.

Does anyone have any advice on learning to let them go?

That sounds like a very postive response to your understable worry weta .

'Learning to let go' for me will be easier when the school care for my child as I would - and the reason why my DD isn't going on her yr 3 trip is because the school are acting as responsibly as I would. If you feel secure in the knowledge that they are acting in the same way as you as their parent, then that's the time not to worry as much.

Out of interest, what kind of problems have you had with the school in terms of acting responsibly (or otherwise!)?

oh - long story and posted on another thread but basically, the school refuse to book soul use accommodation - therefore the children could be in an unlocked room next door to random strangers. School have been extremely rude in not listening to my viewpoint.

Fair enough, that sounds really dodgy!!

My Ds (epipen for egg and allergic to dairy) first went on a residential trip in Year 8 at age 12 years. He has now been on three more the last one over Easter. The first three, as well as contacting teachers, I also contacted the accommodation...easy as first was a hotel, then centres that cater for schools (all abroad). The last trip I just emailed the teacher about a week before departure. Most seemed glad to be forewarned and very helpful and pleasant. Centres who have lots of school groups are the easiest as they have children with epipens every week and have good systems in place. Sometimes Ds didn't eat very well...reported having a "bread sandwich" for lunch as there was no suitable filling... but he did eat and so far all has been well. Fortunately he can now recognise if something looks suspect eg breadcrumbed anything. I send lots of snacks and emergency food eg cereal. Mostly it comes back but I feel happier. Dust mites can be a big problem for Ds as well. It gets easier but my Ds is much older. I would have struggled to let him go at 6. Even now I don't agree to foreign exchanges for example where I would have no control. I hope all goes well.

Thanks... does make me feel better to know I'm not the only one who struggles to let a 6yo go! At the moment we provide all his food because the cross-contamination issue is just too risky - alright for one night but next year it's two nights and by age 10 they go for a week-long ski trip, aargh!! though he has just started a desensitisation programme, so maybe, just maybe, things will be better by then.

Weta I don't think you are being overprotective at all and don't feel guilty you HAVE sorted it out and having his Dad there during the day is an ideal solution to protect your ds.

I know you're not in the UK but the Anaphylaxis Campaign do 'letting go' sessions and a booklet for parents and children. The sessions are for kids from age 11 so you are certainly not being unreasonable being worried about a 6 yr old!

anaphylaxis campaign

Thanks ggirl, I do feel much better about it now. And I think I'll raise this issue at my annual start-of-the-year chat with his next teacher and say that we would like to have the option of going along on any school trips. Though I know the accompanying teacher this time has asked to have his class, so at least she knows our position already and is very receptive.

By the way , when Ds was 6 I was asked to go on nearly all of the one day school trips as a parent helper. At the safety briefing it was often said that "the mother of the very allergic child will be accompanying the trip". So the teachers actually wanted me there and were relieved not to have to take responsibility for Ds!!

Weta - I really feel for you; it's tough.

I still need my phone on all the time and get nervous if I'm too far away from DS' school in case something happens. Nothing ever has in school hours (thank goodness) but that doesn't stop me itching when I'm away from him. I am better than I was a few years ago. I think the main reason for my chilling out a bit is that time has shown the majority of people who care for my son to be good people; people who want to be responsible and who want my son to be safe and included. I've just found that people are remarkable in the efforts they will go to for him. It's a heart-warming experience. That said I still meet the odd git - but they are far and few between ... . It is not easy and you've worked hard to get to a workable solution for your lad which makes you a BRILLIANT MUM.
[WINK]

Thank you, I really appreciate all the support I've had on here. I think I'm generally pretty good at relaxing when he's at school or with friends or whatever, but I am definitely very sensitive to feeling that I am overprotecting him (or that other people think I am!).

Though unlike you, I mostly am surprised at how little imagination people have to consider what it's like for him to be excluded, and how often he is excluded (not from activities but from stuff to do with food). But that's probably because of living in France and Luxembourg where people are much less aware of allergies. I'm always amazed when anyone actually offers to make any food for him or change what they are having for his benefit!! For the first time, someone has said she will make a dairy free birthday cake so he can have some (I will just give her the dairy free margarine and rice milk), but then her son is autistic so she understands only too well about exclusion...