so fed up with FIL feeding DS cheese - advice needed

[MummieGee]

Hi,

Just need a bit of a rant and if anyone has any ideas on what to do I'd be really grateful.

DS is dairy and soya intolerant, plus a few other things which make feeding difficult. Have been on restricted diet myself as bf and was planning on slowly introducing stuff back into my diet to see how he gets on.

Thought everyone in our family understood the seriousness of all this but yesterday at DS's first birthday party, turned around and caught FIL feeding DS a bit of cheese sandwich while DS is sitting on my mum's knee!

Stopped him before it got too far, and my mum said it was only a tiny dab, while wiping cheese and mayonnaise off DS's top lip. DS's top lip then came up with a couple of spots. Anywyay, it was obviously more cos DS has been up all night - hence posting at 5am - with his stomach, and sits up in his cot even though he's virtually asleep crying and hitting his stomach and trying to scratch his nose off.

Later FIL kept offering DS bits of cake bar and saying to me that 'DS just needs a bit of chocolate and he'll be fine'. I kept saying to stop tormenting poor DS, and tried not to be too annoyed but secretly I was livid.

Am SO annoyed. What were they thinking? I assumed everyone in our families understood the seriousness of the situation and now am upset that they all think I'm just being PFB about it all.

We're meant to be going up to stay with PIL next week for a few days and really don't know if I should say something or not. I really want to, but want to do it in a way that doesn't cause a rift.

DP and I don't live together, so he hasn't been up all night with DS - although texted him just now to say we'd been up all night. DP can't understand why I'm reluctant to let others look after DS - but this is a classic reason, you think people understand, but then they do things like this.

Just fed up really as have been so worried about DS's slow weight gain and now will be paranoid about letting DS out of my sight next week in case they try to feed him stuff again cos they think they know best. OK, outpouring/rant over.

Any advice on your experiences on family memebers who don't understand and how to deal with this without causing a rift would be greatly appreciated.

Should point out the PIL are the loveliest people and have been really supportive and lovely. Just this thing that's got to me.

MG x

MMMMM, well the first thing is that DP should tell his parents not to give DS any dairy asit causes him pain and discomfort....they wouldn't kick him so why give him cheese. As you are not their DIL or even living with their son I would steer clear of saying anything.

How aggravating! DS1 has dairy and egg allergies and I completely understand your reluctance to let other people be in charge when your son is so young. It is amazing how stupid people can be sometimes.

My in-laws are lovely too but 9 years later, still haven't quite got it. Recently they brought out petit filous for him - AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH. At least DS is old enough to know better - has been since he was about 3 fortunately.

I agree that your partner should speak to your in laws, and really explain that it is SERIOUS. It sounds like they think you are depriving your son for no good reason. I like the post above 'they wouldn't kick him so why give him cheese?'

And when you're with them, keep telling them what they need to be careful about with his food. Some of it will stick eventually!

tell them next time you see them that your poor baby had stomach ache all night because they couldn't control their urge to feed him things. You wouldn't do it to a dog - you shouldn't do it to a baby!

MummieGee - how very upsetting for you.

OK, how about you do a list, laminated thing they can put on the wall. Next to each item DS cannot have write why, i.e. stomach cramps, screaming, hitting himself etc. Make it 100% clear on the list, they can carry it with them in their bags and put one on the wall wherever you go.

If for any reason they manage to do this to him again, I would video him when he is at his worst, this may sound really really mean and I hope to God he does not have another night like this again. I would then go to them, almost playing it dumb, upset, seeking their comfort and say 'Watch This' - 'I do not know how I am going to cope if he accidently eats food he is not supposed to, PLEASE can you help and support him as he grows up?' Almost make them guardians of the food that goes into DS, give them a job to do.

As you say, they are the loveliest people in the world, put them to work on a task and fingers crossed they will rise to the occasion for you.

Hope you manage to have a lovely few days away. I would ensure wherever you go, whatever you bring into the house it does not contain ANY of the things DS cannot have. That way there is no risk of contamination. Poor pickle and poor you.

Thanks for the advice and support. Will give some of them a try. Have had the day from hell, poor DS has been bad all day. He couldn't eat he felt so poorly.

DP told his parents that I'd texted him at 5am and you could tell FIL felt bad - although did say he blamed my mum for not stopping him! Haven't told my mum off yet, saving that till tomorrow.

DP was here this afternoon and saw how upset and ill DS was and felt bad as well. Just said to him that it won't happen again, will it and he said no, and he'll have another word with FIL.

Anyways, am about to drag meself to bed to try to sleep while DS is asleep.

Thanks for the support.
MG x

DD is dairy intolerant so i can sympathise. Hope your DS is feeling better tonight and gets some sleep.

Why is it that people think a little bit can't hurt? They don't have to sit there and watch the children suffering all day and night with their stomach cramps and worse. Maybe next time we should take the children round to the offending person's house and tell them to look after them!!

Why don't they understand that we don't give them cheese and chocolate for a reason - not because we are mean!!!

I really sympathise with you. It is just so hard looking after allergic children when close family members just don't get it. I posted a while ago on my inlaws inability to understand my son's nut allergies (with them continuously having nuts around him), that was 7 weeks ago. Since this point, my relationships with my in-laws are ruined - totally and utterly. I am devastated as I thought of them like my own mum and dad (I've been with my partner for 17 years). It makes me so very sad that everything has had to come to this. All we do as parents of allergic children is try to keep them safe. Why does this have to be made so very hard by people that are supposed to love us?

maybe dressing them in something like this would help? www.kidsaware.co.uk/shop-product.php?product=98

Someone elsewhere suggested being allergic to a food you looked at it as ground glass and dog pooh. Ask your relatives if they'd willingly feed your child that.

Having accidentally swallowed glass once (don't ask)I can assure you it does less damage than foods you are allergic to.

agree about the video - but if they do this again is there any way you could get either one of them or your DP around to see? If not make sure you phone them up (yes in the middle of the night). Say you can't go to sleep because your child may be ill again and you just need some support because you are so distressed.