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Allergies and intolerances

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Original poster

How can I help PIL with my coeliac disease.

21 replies

PandaOrLion · 02/10/2022 20:04

We stay with PIL every few months as they live a few hours away. Every time we go I…

  • talk to PIL beforehand about the meals they’re planning and if I can/can’t eat them.
  • bring my own breakfast, bread, snacks and flour
  • bring at least one meal I can reheat
  • offer to cook for everyone.
Yet every time it doesn’t go to plan and I become ill. The meals they say were having always change, they get a take away which I can’t eat, get stressed about catering for me but also become ambivalent about it.

Any suggestions for what else I can do to make it manageable for them? They’re lovely and all the rest of the family love live nearby so we always stay here so everyone can meet up. Just the food stuff makes it stressful for me.

OP posts:
Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 02/10/2022 20:17

You already make it easy, they just can't be bothered or don't believe caeliacs is real.

Stop staying with them.

Backtonormalnow · 02/10/2022 20:19

Can you cater for yourself completely so you don’t have to eat what they prepare at all?

Squeezedsquash · 02/10/2022 20:21

You make it easy already - assuming you’re not vegan as well or something, it’s not hard to do a potato or rice based main even if you cook traditional food. And there is so much clearer labelling and choice down the free from aisles now.

ThePoetsWife · 02/10/2022 20:23

Don't go. They do not care enough.

As you know, it's so damaging for you to keep being exposed to gluten.

WheresTheCakeThen · 02/10/2022 20:24

How about every time they present you with a different meal to what they told you they were doing and it isn't suitable, make a point of going to the nearest shop to buy something else or have extra breakfast stuff with you which you then eat at the table with them. They could cater for you but they choose not to. By refusing to eat the unsuitable food they provide you are showing up their lack of respect for your health (and protecting yourself from the effects of eating the wrong food).

Original poster
PandaOrLion · 02/10/2022 20:28

No, not vegan or anything.
They alternate between believing suggesting I take a lasagne apart and eat the parts I can and telling me I can’t have roast beef because it’s meat…

as a family they each have lots of things they’re quite fussy about so I think it’s probably seen like that, but it’s so frustrating. Last night we agreed to have jambalaya and then at the last moment it became a Chinese or fish and chips take away. I ate left overs I’d bought from home but just feel miffed as my friends, even of their generation can manage it well.

OP posts:
ChampagneCamping · 02/10/2022 20:32

Take all your own food and cater for yourself completely

WheresTheCakeThen · 02/10/2022 20:38

Also, your DP should be having a word with them about you being effectively left out / disrespected at mealtimes (should be doing this without you asking them to as well!)

Original poster
PandaOrLion · 02/10/2022 20:49

DH has been brilliant - he’s been advising from the kitchen as he is much more patient than me- ie we had a roast today and he cooked all the things that would otherwise have contained wheat. He initiated the phone calls beforehand but this has been the first time where they haven’t followed through with any meal they said we’d have. All valid reasons for it all and makes sense for everyone else but leaves things tricky for me.

im really happy taking stuff to heat up, but if we stay for 5 days or so it feels like a lot of food to prepare beforehand. We usually just bring leftovers from home.

I think today it’s really got to me as there were six options for desert and I couldn’t eat any of them. Nieces and nephews are all quite young and visit a lot so there is lots of buying things for them and although I enjoyed the orange I had I felt super jealous of everyone else with their crumble, profiteroles, cake etc!

OP posts:
MuchTooTired · 02/10/2022 20:49

It’s a shitter isn’t it?! Waves at fellow coeliacs person 👋 I find the game of 20 questions to be quite irritatingly helpful for people who don’t quite get it, multiple apologies for my dietary needs as we whittle it down to there being nothing I can eat, empathising it’s a pain in the ass and banging on about what happens to me if I eat any gluten. Ultimately though, I’d just have to cater for myself and say that I can’t risk getting sick having a takeaway/picking the gluten bit out/food that I’ve not checked the label on myself.

Have you always had coeliacs since you’ve known them or have you been diagnosed during that time? Could it maybe just be not thinking or remembering? Not understanding the consequences to you by eating it?

Original poster
PandaOrLion · 02/10/2022 20:53

@MuchTooTired waves diagnosed since I’ve known them, but I never visited them before the diagnosis (Covid etc).

the whole family is fussy so I think it’s partly hard to remember what each person has - SIL is vegan, BIL won’t eat any fish, nephew will only eat pizza, niece won’t eat dairy etc. Its a large family so there is a lot to remember, hence why we started planning it before I visit each time.

OP posts:
Rainallnight · 02/10/2022 20:57

That sounds like a massive PITA. Do they know it’s actually making you sick? If they think it’s just fussiness/intolerance, can you spell it out for them that following your last visit you vomited/were in pain/etc?

FurAndFeathers · 02/10/2022 21:04

I think you need to be more assertive and also make sure you have a bag of supplies with you:

oh you’re making lasagne? I have GF pasta with me, and will make my own.

oh you’re all getting a Chinese, I’ll order Indian as that’s GF.

Oh no I can’t eat that - I was ill for 3 days after our last visit and gluten is incredibly damaging to my long term health.

oh I wish my coeliac disease was a dietary preference! Unfortunately I have to be really strict it I’ll become very ill - shall I cook?

Backtonormalnow · 02/10/2022 21:10

Tbf it is hard to appreciate the severity of the disease. I have a relative with it and it is impossible for them to eat out any more as even if they choose meals supposedly without gluten, or if they ask for a gluten free version of something when they order, they have still been very ill so there must have been cross-contamination. I would be wary of cooking for them myself.

Dilbertian · 02/10/2022 21:33

I have a coeliac IL and it has taken several years before they trusted me to cook for them at my home, even though I have a lot of experience with allergies and intolerances. Many people lump all food presented under the same faddy umbrella. Considering the cost to you of being glutened, you have shown great restraint and consideration for their lack of consideration for you.

I think you need to be very blatant. Take supplies that you can cook without exposing your food to cross-contamination and eat it at the table with everyone else. State clearly that you cannot eat whatever is being dished because it will xuz - list symptoms graphically.

Can you research take aways and restaurants near your ILs? There may be places suitable for coeliacs. Suggest a takeaway from one of them, explaining why. Your dh needs to back you up in all these things.

Original poster
PandaOrLion · 02/10/2022 21:39

They live quite rurally so shops and take always are all 15mins drive away - there isn’t a lot of choice. I’m really, really happy taking food to heat up, less keen on cooking for myself here as there is so much half-eaten food lying around for the grandchildren I can’t guarantee it wouldn’t end up in it.

If honestly just prefer it if they said they can’t cook for me, or just stick to the meals agreed as surely that makes it easier for them too? Just tricky when one thing is said, one thing happens and then lots of comments about it which they think are helpful but aren’t!

OP posts:
catfunk · 02/10/2022 21:41

Just stop visiting

Floralnomad · 02/10/2022 21:47

Stop going for such long visits . Stay max 2 nights and one of those arrange to eat out and cater for yourself for the other evening . These people are not lovely , you have a disease that needs catering for and they are not prepared to put in even minimal effort to do so .

RandomMess · 02/10/2022 21:51

Stay nearby in self catering accommodation. It's not worth being ill for.

Take all your own lunches/meals to their house.

Or DH takes the DC without you mad you enjoy the break at home?

namechange3394 · 02/10/2022 21:52

Your DH needs to deal with this. I'd be really upset if my parents couldn't be arsed to cater to my partner's dietary requirements.

wildseas · 02/10/2022 21:57

Can you take freezer meals (home made if you prefer) with you?

Eg you know that you’re staying 5 nights so take 5 evening meals which you pop in their freezer and then just reheat.

Just say that you’re feeling a bit anxious about it because you were poorly the last time and then refuse to eat their food!

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