Managing social occasions - just don't bother going?

[TheDetective]

I'm really struggling to go to places with my not quite 2 year old DS.

He is intolerant to dairy/soya (soya not as much as dairy, he can tolerate low levels of this).

This last 2 weeks I've had 2 incidents of him being able to access food he can't have - and as he doesn't understand that he can't have them, or why, it's becoming difficult.

First incident was at a soft play. Plates of half eaten food left on tables - and DS got to them while I was following him, and grabbed at something and shoved it in his mouth.

Second was yesterday at a baby shower, food laid out on the table - sandwiches, cakes, all things he can't have. He managed after 2 hours to get hold of a bloody biscuit that someone had left on a paper plate on the coffee table.

I ended up just getting out stuff and leaving while thinking 'fuck he's not going to sleep for the next 8 weeks', and wanting to scream and shout at the people there for being so inconsiderate. They all (10 of them) knew he couldn't have anything off the table, as he was offered the food as soon as we got there, and he was just stalking the table with people saying, awwww can't he have some, and me saying to each person in turn no, and why (while also standing there saying no over and fucking over to him).

Anyway, as you can probably tell I'm getting to the end of my tether with the whole thing. We've done 3 challenges and all unsuccessful, so we aren't doing another for a while yet.

I just don't want to go anywhere until he is old enough to understand he can't just take food off the table, or off plates, and why. Or he grows out of it. Whichever comes first.

By the way, before anyone mentions it - I always take his own food everywhere we go. He has plenty of options with us, and if we go to parties I take 'treat' food, so if he in some way feels he is missing out - he isn't. If you see what I mean.

How have others handled this situation? And please don't say 'oh my kid didn't take food' or 'just tell him not to' as that a) won't work with mine and b) his understanding is delayed, so while other almost 2 year olds would know not to, he doesn't yet.

Sorry for the ranting style of post. I'm a bit stressed!!!

Well given the circumstances I don't think you'd be at all unreasonable to avoid such settings for the time being! It sounds awful for you. My friend's son is autistic and after a year or two of having terrible times at parties and things, she now just doesn't go!

but of course that's a shame for her...so she's made it so that she has someone to care for her son when there is something she wants to attend but which she knows will end up upsetting her DS.

It's really hard. And even when they do understand and don't normally take 'unauthorised' food you still have to be vigilant that they don't forget or accidentally take something they shouldn't (or pick it up off the floor and shove it into their mouths).

My son is the same age and I too feel parties are a headache. Firstly the hassle of replying to the invite and bringing up the subject of the food, the getting there and having to have the same ' awwww can't he have that' conversations, then feeling like a total helicopter parent making sure they aren't gobbling up stray cakes off the floor or grabbing a drink of milk left unattended. Then the buffet itself. Yes, to enough to put you off! I get why you feel like declining future invites for the time being, I do too sometimes.

BUT - hard as it is, your son is only going to learn he can't have these things if he comes into situations where you have to say no to him while other children can have the treats, so parties are a learning experience towards this. It's also going to be important to make him feel as normal as possible, and taking him to parties is all part of childhood, so it would be a shame to exclude him from them. It might be harder if you leave it a couple of years and then take him to one when he has no idea how to play party games with the other children. You probably know all that already though; doesn't take away from the difficulty though does it.... I do share your feelings sometimes too.

My sister had this and once she'd drilled it into people's heads, they began making cakes with no egg in them. For instance I made ALL the dishes at my DDs parties egg free so he could eat the same as the other DC. It wasn't hard...but with more complex allergies it wouldn't be so easy.

This is definitely the hardest part of having allergic kids! The way I cope with it is to try not to make it a big deal - for myself or for the kids. I find that if I get cross or stressed about food they pick up on it, so we keep it matter of fact - "you can't eat that, it'll make your tummy sore. Don't be daft, you have plenty of other treats in your own bag" etc. I also feed them before we go anywhere so they are not hungry, and bring them a bag of stuff that could equal or better any party treats. I let them see it before we go and tell them it is nicer than the food the other kids are getting (it is SO not...). My older daughter is nearly four and still hasn't shown any signs of feeling hard done by. She started being careful about asking what she could eat when she was about three. Until then, I had to just be a helicopter parent, but a very unapologetic one. Try to remember that food intolerances don't tend to last long in the grand scheme of things - this too shall pass!!

Hi, in similar situations i have tidied away half eaten plates, shuffled the buffet table to move the food he can't have out of reach of him, and taken items back to the kitchen, and insisted he ate his food off his plate, they do learn eventually, but i think this is the hardest age.