Birthday party in a Chinese restaurant

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My son (nearly 9, allergic to all nuts) has been invited to a friend's birthday party in a Chinese restaurant.

I emailed the restaurant to ask about nuts, and they said a) use vegetable oils, but b) they have peanuts in their satay products and c) it is always a buffet so there is a risk of contamination. Urgh.

We'd never normally eat at a Chinese in order to avoid exposure, but since he has suspected ASD and is not often invited to parties I am keen for him to join in if possible. One option would be for me to sit with him and help him choose food, but I still think there is a risk. He would get to go to the first activity part of the party even if he had to miss the meal, but obviously would probably feel left out.

The mum was not particularly helpful when I mentioned my concerns, and just said he could miss the meal, so no help there.

Any thoughts? Thanks all.

How severe is the allergy? I think that will sway your decision here...if it were my child's party and one guest had an allergy, I would try my best o avoid contamination...if his allergy is not awfully severe, I would think about asking the venue to allow you to provide his meal for him but make it a sort of Chinese style thing....and then go along to "help out" and ensure he's safe.

I'm not sure how the mum could help you to be honest - the restaurant have explained the high risk of contamination and she can't change that. What did you want her to say? I think in this circumstance your son may need to miss the meal but join in with the rest of the activities?

Thank both.

Fixit I didn't expect the mum to say anything in particular, but she didn't give the impression of giving the tiniest s**t about the fact that this affected my son. I'm quite used to taking full responsibility for his allergy and do not expect people to bend over backwards about it, but I was surprised at her response. No veneer of politeness even, just 'He can miss the meal and come to the activity.'

Jitney He is not severely allergic - he is not one of those children that turns blue in the same room as a bowl of peanuts, so maybe me providing him with an alternative meal and going along would be acceptable. I'll ask him what he'd prefer.

I suppose OP this is one of those times where you have to decide if it's time to let him manage his allergies himself....perhaps, if you think he's mature enough it would be good to let him go alone. You could discuss the thigns which might put him at an elevated risk...for instance, sharing food (obvious) not allowing anyone to put their fork in his food...that kinds of thing.

As he will be going to high school in a couple of years, he might be in more situations like this over the coming few years...

Can the restaurant not do him a small nut free dinner - crackers, spring roll and rice or someting? Even if you had to pay for it.

I spoke to the restaurant on the phone and they said that there is only 1 dish with nuts (chicken satay skewers) and that there are separate tongs for every dish, and that if he asked them when he arrived they would show him what not to eat. I asked if they could set a plate aside for him in the kitchen but they seemed to think it would be cold by the time they got there.

I'm a bit undecided about whether to let him try the buffet as it is not under the restaurant's control whether people put the tongs back in the wrong place.

I do understand about teaching him to manage his allergy. He does brilliantly in all kinds of situations ever since he was small - always asks if it is a food he is unfamiliar with even when I forget to , etc.

But this is a situation where there is an obvious risk, and there won't necessarily be an adult around who knows how to use an epipen (unlike school or playdates in the village where I am within two minutes drive). So I think I will go along if he is going to eat the restaurant's food. If I pack him a meal I might not stay.

My dd's consultant (Addenbrookes) said that there is massive risk of contamination at Chinese and Indian restaurants and she should definitely avoid them. Dd is allergic to peanuts. I would send your ds in with a box of his own food. It would kind of ruin the party if he had to be carted off with anaphylaxtic shock. I would also want to be close, just in case.

Thank you for this. My son's friend has said that she has asked for a nut-free buffet that day, but even so your post has given me pause.

Okay, thank you again. I am pleased to hear all this as it will help me make a decision.

I am starting to feel that it simply isn't worth the risk. Why risk it? It is no trouble to make a packed lunch after all.