The things people say....

[mamado]

I am so cross. We met up with friends at the weekend who we've know forever and stayed over at their place with all the kids in tow. Obviously the allergy thing comes up because food was on offer etc (my dds have allergies to milk, egg, peanuts and sesame). Anyway one friend just would not stop going on about it - saying how it was so sad that my children are 'such martyr's to their own suffering'. That comment upset me so much I didn't really know what to say - i mean they only have a few allergies which we manage perfectly easily and well....

I thought it was maybe cos he'd been drinking (and to be honest everyone else present was quite shocked and told him to shut up) but he just went on and on about their suffering... even the next day!

Do you all get comments like this too? What should i have said? I wish I'd somehow responded in the right way and then maybe I wouldn't feel so cross now....

"What an odd thing to say! What on earth makes you think they are suffering? Now if I let them eat things that triggered their allergies, then you'd see a suffering child!"

Some people have a very narrow attitude towards food, they are the sort who can't imagine eating a wide variety of things so if you take out one foodstuff, they'd be suffering, don't get angry, pity him. He's obviously the one with food issues.

People really do say the strangest things. We often get 'oh no, poor you, I don't know how you manage, it must be so awful' etc. I just smile and nod and walk away if possible. The worst comment I ever had was from another mum at a toddler group who, after I explained why DS couldn't have a biscuit, said 'ooh aren't you brave bringing him somewhere like this!' I wanted to say 'it's got nothing to do with being brave - what do you suggest I do, keep him indoors 24 hrs a day?' but I just smiled and nodded and walked away.

I only tell people who really need to know about DS's allergies (e.g. when there is food around). Very often, they ask how on earth we cope, and how did I find out, and what will happen when he goes to school. I appreciate that most people are just trying to show sympathy wth me but, if I don't turn the subject as quickly as I can, it can lead to a long and involved conversation about how dreadful allergies must be, and I don't like DS hearing that over and over again.

mamado, I think your friend must have been a bit tipsy. There was no need to use the words 'suffering' and 'martyr'!

Im getting 'how on earth do you cope?!' a lot at the moment but its quite new to us at the moment, its getting worse not better (the latest being that is allergic to the cold' so Im not at the smile and walk away point. Im at the thinking to myself 'im not coping at all!' point and smiling and not saying anything point.

I did get the 'are you SURE its not a viral rash' twice from the same persom after he was covered in urticaria. I took to taking a photo of an Actual Hive and sent it to her because for some stupid reason I didnt want her to keeping 'daft QuiteTrash, thinks her babys allergic when all along its just a common viral rash'. I wanted to kick her.

Sorry on a bit of a rant there.

What a great reply don'tmindifido! I'll file that away in my brain for some later use! I did think he was just tipsy, but as he carried on the next morning I reckon he's just a bit of an idiot who thinks he knows/understands more than he does!!!

We still get the how do you cope aspect and dd1 is now 8 so it doesn't go away. You're right greenbananas, the most upsetting part is when it's in front of your dcs, the last thing you want is to make them feel bad about have an allergy.

I had a mum at school say to me (I'm writing a blog about allergy safe recipes etc) that 'maybe it would be of use to one or two people but surely no-one else has allergies quite like us' ...

But in the particular occasion I was first talking about it upset me so much as it was from a long-time friend and he just wouldn't stop going on about it.....

Ha ha! Freefrommum I like your attitude!

Ha ha! Freefrommum I like your attitude!

the ones we've had are

• when 'friends' (hmmm) implied that it was somehow our fault for not letting DD roll around in the mud and get her finger nails dirty. DD was about 5 months old at the time

• 'but we didn't have so many allergies 50 years ago' - I still don't know what to say to that!

• when we ask people to be careful after eating nuts or handling foods, 'i'm sure it's really hard but because I know how you are (i.e.me) I don't even want to give your DD a hug. To this I want to say 'fine - f off then if it's too much to just wash your bloody hands!'

• a favourite of my MIL, 'I read that the best way to deal with allergies was to just give a little of the allergen until they get used to it'. She said this about 4 times and at that point I asked her where she'd read this so I could have a look and speak with DD's allergist about it. She made an odd face and has never mentioned it again! HA!!!

food.

• another thing my MIL says ALL the BLOODY TIME when we go over to eat, 'oh I think this should be fine for DD as I've been really careful. When I check she has ALWAYS used flour to thicken the food. ALWAYS!!!

I'm sure there are others and writing this has made me smile a bit, at how bloody annoying people, mostly family members, can be! In those situations, I often drift off into cartoon land (where I'd live if I could ) and whack said people over the heads with a massive mallet ). BUT obviously can't so instead I feel awkward and uncomfortable and would rather leave in a hurry. :(

OP, your friend sounds like he was just a bit pished. As he's is a good friend maybe you should just let him know that he was being a bit of an idiot.