What does everyone do about parties if their DC has an epipen?

[Meglet]

DS is 5 but gets invited to loads of parties. At this age I can easily stay with him but I have no idea how to deal with it when he gets older.

He's allergic to some nuts but the problem would be the kiwi fruit (which is in Haribo) and pineapple allergies. I just couldn't leave him with a stranger and be able to relax.

At the moment I let the parents know he has allergies but I'll be there anyway so they don't have to worry.

Does everyone else just stay with their DC's? I don't mind staying TBH.

DD is only 4 but we have this to come too, and in fact I was about to start a thread about how people manage allergies when their child starts primary school! Initial thoughts are that inevitably there'll come a time when your DS will have to go to parties alone - once he's 14 you probably won't be that welcome to tag along - so at some point you'll have to let him take his own precautions. At what point that comes, I don't know, but I'm personally hoping that DD will take 'ownership' of her allergies sooner rather than later. Presumably a haribo could get offered to your DS at any stage, such as in the school playground, so he needs to be alert even without your presence? Sympathies, anyway, it's such a stressful thing to manage.

There are a number of children with serious allergies in my daughter's class at school. One has been hospitalised a couple of times as a result of her nut allergy - from touching something which had a trace of nuts. As her friend's parent, this makes me very careful when I give her anything to eat and I always check with her mum if I'm not sure. This little girl is also very careful herself - she can articulate her allergy but of course it's up to adults to tell her the truth about what she's going to eat. There's one occasion where she ate something at a party which she shouldn't have and had a reaction. Her mum doesn't send her epipen because apparently it's easy to use it ineffectively, but she came up to the party to sort things out and then stayed. The reason there was something with nuts in at the party at all was because the mother had tried to get in touch with the host mother all week to explain the allergy but to no avail, so there were things at the party which were ok for everyone else and a mistake was made. Both mums were a bit peeved with each other - the host thought she'd been told last minute and it wasn't very fair.

My point? Most of the parents are aware of all the kids with allergies in the class because we're concerned and want those children and their parents to be worry free. Some parents don't have any experience of allergies in the family so aren't as quick to make a mental note of the children who are. If you're in the playground, you should be able to gauge where is safe and where you need to take a bit more care. When RSVPing to a party, you could mention the allergy and party foods which parents might not realise contain the nuts and fruit he can't eat. Most parents are very accommodating and will make sure the party is free from those items. I'm coeliac and when people invite me to eat in their homes and don't really understand what it's all about, I give them a list of foods with hidden ingredients such as soy sauce, baking powder, stock cubes, sausages etc.

If you're really concerned, do what the coeliac children have to do and send food in for the party. This way, you can be 100% sure that your son is ok and can participate with all of his friends. It's such a shame for them to miss out.

I guess it will be ok when he's old enough to read ingredients or I know the parents really well. He know's he can't eat Haribo but at 5 I don't trust him to do it without thinking or for a parent to give him the wrong food.

It is stressful isn't it. He can't even go on playdates without me yet. I get really fed up when his little friends whizz off to each others houses at the drop of a hat as we can't do that. Maybe in a year or two I will know other school parents well enough to trust them, and put the fear of God into them about his allergies .

medjool I'd not thought about sending food in actually. That might be a way around it .

Obviously I will then wait around the corner of the house in case of emergency

Dd's friend has severe allergies; I met her when she was 8. Her dad used to stay at big parties (the whole class in the sports hall type) and either make himself useful or hide in a corner/the lobby with a book. Then he'd be there to help at food-choosing time. When she came to our house the first time they talked to me about what she couldn't eat, offered to send food with her, and checked I was ok with using the epipen. Quite a difference between 4 and 8 though.

My ds2, age 4, has just developed type 1 diabetes, so I'm also facing the parties/playdates problem. We went to a party today and I was there with my carb-counter on the iphone, trying to work out what he'd eaten and how much insulin to inject. And then watching him the whole time in case the excitement made him go hypo. Its a nightmare.

Maybe I need to find a 4yo friend with allergies or some other medical condition - those mums will be up for learning how to help my child on a playdate and I'd learn how to help theirs ...

I started leaving DS1 (anaphylactic to dairy and also allergic to kiwifruit) at parties (although they weren't the whole-class type, generally about 12 kids max) from about age 4 or 4.5.

He is now 8 and we've never had a serious problem with parties or playdates - I always send his own box of party food, having first asked the host what type of food the children will be having. I make sure it has plenty in it, and discuss with him first to make sure it's stuff he's keen to eat. And always include crisps and sweets :)

He is under strict instructions to eat only the food we provide (pretty much the case in all aspects of life, so he's well used to it and doesn't want to eat anything else for fear of a reaction).

The only problem we once had was when he couldn't find his box at the party, so then I made sure he saw where it went, and that the host parent was very aware of where it was too. I also leave his medications and instruct the host about using them.

Playdates exactly the same - I always provide his food, except for a couple of trusted parents who have become close friends of mine. I guess he started at 4.5 going to people we knew well but by 6 I would let him go anywhere (obviously talking to the parents about it first).

I think many children grow up to manage their own allergies, DS had a friend (age 8) who coped so well with his nut allergy and knew exactly what he could or couldn't eat that his mum didn't even mention it to me - I think her relaxed attitude really helped him learn how to cope.

Yes, I think I might be more relaxed with a small party. When DS eats at a whole class party I can check the food first then watch him like a hawk as he eats so I would notice any reaction. I would never trust another parent to be able to do that, they have enough to do hosting the party.

My dh or I always accompany my ds (allergic to nuts and egg) to parties. We find that the host is often relieved at our presence. As he gets older my plan is to sit in the car directly outside where the party is and read a magazine for a couple of hours. My ds is 7.

My 5 yo DD is in reception and has been to a few parties this year, although none have been for the whole class.

She is allergic to dairy which tends to be in most party food so I have always taken her own food having checked what type of thing the host is offering first.

I even go as far as making her a fairy cake (usually the biggest and with the most icing I can get on it ;)) and pack choc etc so she shouldn't miss out.

I have stayed with her as much for the allergy as for the other medication she has to take but I've always tried to keep out the way by helping the host with setting up the food, clearing away so hopefully DD isn't so aware of my presence.

Has your ds had any bad reactions? I ask because my DD had 2 nasty anaphylactic reactions last summer which she remembers all too well and for this reason she never eats any party food unless I've taken it. I think even at this young age they learn how to manage their allergies (although you are right they often still have to rely on adults giving them the right info)

I'm hoping to start leaving her at parties in yr1 if I'm brave enough!

DS is allergic to nuts last year (Yr1) he wanted to start being left at parties so he goes with his own food, an allergy band showing his allergy (useful for well meaning friends of family who might not know about his allergy) and in the car we have a ritual of:

Me: what are the rules about food?
DS: NO SWAPPING MUMMY!
Me: What about if someone says it's ok for you to eat something as it has no nuts?
DS: I say 'no thank you, I'm ok with my own food'
Me: and...
DS: I don't eat it

I very rarely actually bugger off and leave him for the two hours as most parents have been nervous of having the responsibility for the epi-pen so I tend to sit in the car and read a book/watch the West Wing on my iPod. I've left him at a couple where we know the families are very clued up, generally ones that have been fine having him round for playdates (or in one case both parents were doctors and they have a full time Nanny who has a first aid certificate!).

DS is nearly 5 and has multiple food allergies. I always take food for him to parties and always stay but so do all the other mums at this age anyway. DS is my 2nd child and I seem to remember with my 1st that parents stayed at parties until they were about 7 so I guess I've got 2 years to figure out what to do about this issue! Maybe I'll try the sitting-in-the-car idea until he's old enough to administer his epi-pen himself (or one of his friends is willing to be trained how to do it?). I also go with him on playdates as I haven't yet met a parent who feels comfortable being epi-pen trained plus I don't feel ready to leave him yet. He's very aware of his allergies and has never accepted food from anyone or accidentally eaten anything he shouldn't but the fear is always there and there's a real chance that it will happen one day. The thing is, while he's never needed the epi-pen, he very often needs Piriton at things like parties because he's touch allergic so comes out in itchy hives from playing with other kids or touching contaminated surfaces. I have to be there to watch out for the early signs that he needs Piriton and not sure anyone else would be able to do this while keeping an eye on the rest of the kids. In school, one of the classroom assistants is responsible for keeping an eye on him and knows the signs to look out for.

back again. Thanks for all your suggestions. Will read and digest and hopefully chill out a bit .

Interesting to see I was one of the few to leave my son at such a young age - though I should add we were living in France and now Luxembourg, and basically every parent left the children from age 4 so I didn't want DS1 to feel too different. Plus they were small parties, and generally the food only consisted of cake and sweets so pretty easy to substitute (and for the host parent to manage).

I'm the same as freefrommum. DD also has multiple allergies and is also touch allergic. I've stayed at the 3 parties she's been to. 2 were at venues where the kids played and then ate and one at a house with about 15 kids and I was one of the only mums to stay. The other stayed for another medical reason. At the 2 venue parties it was great as there was no issue of food whilst they played. At the house, there was an entertainer and she did her thing first then the kids had a break to eat and then they went back to the entertainer. I found that really stressful as of course they all had their hand cleaned before they ate but not after so I was really glad to have been there to keep an eye on her. I think the host parents were also pleased as they didn't want to deal with the whole epipen issue.

i'll probably continue to go with her to parties and when she feels I'm cramping her style then I'll sit in the car and read or something. I offered to do this at the house party but the mum said it was fine for me to be there.

I always take a snack for them as I haven't found a way of making decent sandwiches with wheat free bread.

Just out of interest, how do you help your children deal with the fact that kids won't have washed their hands after they've eaten. I need to start helping DD deal with that as she starts full time school in September -eeek!

DS is only 3 so when he is invited to parties all the mums still stay. I suppose I will leave him when he is a bit older, but only when he and his friends are able to decide when he needs Piriton for contact reactions, hives etc. I can't expect all children to wash their hands and be careful with dropping food at parties, but that is the aspect of parties that worries me most at the moment.

I always take food for DS in his 'special bag', and this always includes a safe home-made cupcake that he can eat when the birthday cake comes out. Taking his own food helps to avoid him having to make difficult and rather grown-up decisions about which adults have really understood his allergies and who can be trusted to check ingredients properly.

Sometimes people have offered to provide safe food for DS but I have stopped accepting this offer because I think it is safer for himsimply to have the "only eat food from home" rule. I don't want to put DS at risk by trusting people who forget about traces of milk etc. and/or cross-contamination, and I don't want to upset my friends by trusting some of them but not trusting others.

I can add the flip side to this in that my DS's best friend since he started school ( age 4.5) has series allergies including both nut and fish allergies- to the extent that even a trace of say oily fish can give him a reaction. He first came to tea after school in the first term at school and mum came too for the first time- we drew up a list together of "safe foods" which I could make for tea and she got me to practice with an old expired epi-pen on an orange!

My DS and another friend had his allergies and his friends "special foods" explained to him and they would "defend" him at school when other kids wanted to swap things or trade sweets on the way home etc.

So my advice would be - clear explanations to parents and get his friends on side. Even age 5 my son would remind me the day before his friend came that we shouldn't have salmon for tea, we need to buy chocolate buttons for treat and not haribo ( allergy to those too).

At parties, she would contact the host well in advance to explain and where she thought there might be a problem would send in his own food- no-one ever had a problem with this. Infact quite a lot of people took it as challenge to adapt their party food to what this little boy could eat.

Ds is now 11 and has severe allergies to eggs nuts fish and sesame.
We talk to the parents to see what the food will be and either Ds is super careful about what he eats/ doesn't eat anything or we send something with him. We recently went to a party where the host didn't understand the severity of DS allergies and so there were nuts in bowls around. He chose for himself not to eat anything there as people could have handled nuts and contaminated the other food. Very sensible of him. We ate when he came home.
for play-dates we always have a conversation with the mum as to what he is safe to eat. I have never had a problem as people are terrified that they may have to call an ambulance so are over anxious to get it right on the whole. Ds is also very anxious about other people's cooking and quizzes them and reads the ingredients on packets. He is very mature about it on the whole (although slightly more anxious than I think he needs to be sometimes)