Starting school, how do I help this mum??

[IAmOptimusPrime]

I have recently met a mum who has a ds with multiple food allergies, they carry epipens/piriton. The main problem is that she has no trust in anyone, she will not let him go to pre-school and wants to be able to go to school with him to supervise when he starts in September. They do not go to playgrounds, supermarkets etc. and pretty much stay at home.

My dd nearly 7 is allergic to eggs, milk, nuts and has suffered an anaphylactic reaction to egg so I have experience of how scary it is to put your trust in other people to look after your child at school. But I have always been of the belief that this will not rule our lives, she will not (as much as possible) miss out and that although there are many situations she will face that scare the crap out of me I will not be beaten by it!

I know she is scared, totally understandable, and think she needs help coming to terms with letting go. I apologies if I sound like I am being harsh but I worry her fear is leading to her ds missing out and I want to be able to help her but don't know how I can.

I have suggested calling a meeting with the head and reception teachers which she thinks is a good idea and have talked about medical plans but she has said that she does not trust them at all.

Any experiences would be very helpful.

she can also ask for a meeting with teacher and a school community nurse, as a starting point.

lots of children, with a longer list of allergies are ok in pre-school, nursery and primary school.

soon, unless she wants to home school, she is going to have to leave the child.

good luck , be gentle with her!!!

Oh dear, this is a really difficult one. My DS has severe multiple food allergies too and it is very scary but I've always believed in the importance of leading a 'normal' life as much as possible. One suggestion would be for her to go on one of the Anaphylaxis Campaign parent workshops. These are excellent and talk about the importance of 'letting go'. They also have a booklet for parents on the same subject. We can't wrap our kids in bubble wrap and protect them from the world, they need to be with other children doing normal, everyday activities. I don't envy you - I'm not sure I'd have the patience!

I think the best the thing you can do for your friend is to listen to her, and to make it clear that you will support her whatever she decides to do. Perhaps, if she is able to talk things through with a non-judgmental person who really is trying to understand where she is coming from, she may come to see that eventually 'letting go' is an inevitable part of giving her DS the skills he will need to deal with his own allergies as an older child/adult.

I think I can understand where she is coming from. I'm not a naturally helicopterish parent, but I am very careful about keeping DS away from pointlessly unsafe situations. We do go to the park (but I sometimes wipe down play equipment in summer when there is ice-cream about). We go to the supermarket, but he knows that he must not touch anything unless I say it is okay.

I don't allow my DS (aged 3) to go to pre-school... we did try, but the staff there just didn't seem to understand how serious his allergies were, and kept forgetting to put even the most basic safeguards in place. When they did remember he had allergies, they stigmatised him to the point that I felt I was putting his emotional safety at risk by sending him.

Having worked in my local school, I am seriously considering home education, but if I do send my DS to school I too will want to accompany him for the first few days/weeks so that I can do my own risk assessments. I trust the teaching staff and the support staff, but I am worried about lunchtimes and about what would happen if supply staff were drafted in at short notice. Perhaps I could volunteer as a classroom assistant and lunchtime supervisor.

We all deal with these things differently. Please do be gentle with your friend.